[keal'thas]

Hi, If I wrote this a few weeks ago I'd a lot to say. but now I feel like empty. like a robot. not feeling anything anymore, not caring anymore, just waiting for the day to end and wasting it and living in fear and feeling bad. I really really want to kill my self. But the pain and everything is to scary. And don't worry if you knew what a coward I was you would know that I won't ever do it. at least not for now. but I think about it almost every hour

So I should probably tell a bit more of backstory.

So I always liked science and computers. But sadly I don't live in a really decent place. which the only way to get out of and have a future is to get decent grades and apply for a collage. I don't know exactly what got me here. But insane (I can't express how much it was) amounts of stress and anger torn me apart in time. I resisted it and stayed strong. but just like breaks in car little by little. I felt that I'm getting destroyed or I'm "ending". I don't like to do anything now. nothing was more pleasurable then learning anything or creating anything! I've always had so many sleeping problems that sleeping at night was a nightmare. And I had so many problems. but I didn't care as long as I had my PC and a book to learn something new. It was the only place where I didn't have to deal with people. specially ones I dislike. I slept for like 3-7h each day and sometimes skipped nights. but it wasn't even hard for me(sometimes I woke up on the sofa wondering where I am or what time is it or where everybody is or what happened!). I sometimes practiced/studied for like 12-10h a day. but now? I can't do anything. I can't focus on anything. I feel like I'm losing myself and it burns me up when I think about it. I feel like I'm already dead, I just have a body now.

and if that isn't enough problems. I can't study without thinking about killing myself and I can't focus on it at all. That's my main problem. I have very little time (around 2 months) and I've done nothing. If I don't succeeded I'm literally doomed for my entire life! How can I keep studying and possibly saving myself from this while I'm this much troubled? it's like a war in my brain every second and I can't study or focus or do anything while I'm at a war! It's like everything to foggy, I can't understand anything. I'm tired of thinking..... I'm tired of living... I'm tired of feeling or being a human.

sorry if I told too much or bored you but I feel like I'm literally going insane
And I'm not sure if this is depression but I got almost max score on the quiz

Everything seems hopeless and dark, the entire world feels like an unfair torture. My brain keeps telling me there's hope and it's my only chance. but my heart doesn't even respond...

I also feel so dumb. It's like my brain never works when I want it to. I can't solve math (or even daily) problems anymore. and I hate seeing myself like that. I can't take being a miserable person like that! what should I do :?

And my sleeping problems have become a million times. the worse thing I have to do is to sleep and wake up. I wake up with the most horrible feeling in the world. and kill myself to sleep. I don't even call it sleeping it's passing out.

I always feel like I want to pass out. I wish I would and never wake up

sorry for wasting your time with such a long thread ;(

and my friends/familly are no use. only thing they do is to remind me how doomed I am or be mad at me for not having energy, staying inbed, staying awake, or not studying

sorry if this gets double posted my net is horrible!

[elevatedsoul]

i would see a doctor about it... best thnig probly....

[angryworld]

Hi, welcome to the forums.

I feel empty and unfocused too. My "to do" list helps me.
Before i sleep, I review the day and make a list for the next morning in a notebook.
Then I close the book, knowing that I've already prepared for tomorrow.
If you get your sleep back, you can feel better about your days.

Therapy helped me, back when i could afford it. Is therapy an option?

Definetly see a therapist and a pcp, this needs medical and professional attention (((hugs)))

[keal'thas]

Sadly therapy is not an option. I feel so weird. I feel like I'm going with insane. And I also I almost always keep having this feeling in my chest. Like suddenly a fireball or lava grows in my chest I've made a plan and some stuff. I managed to study for almost 1.5h :/ that's a big deal compared to what I was when I post this! Although 60% of the time studying I was thinking about killing myself and trying not to fall asleep.