[LelouchLamperouge]

Sorry for the extremely long post...I definitely do not expect people to the read whole thing or if any at all lol. I just wanted to add as much detail as I can remember about my first experience there for myself so I can refer back to it if I needed to.

First off, let me start off by saying this is my first ever time getting hospitalized. I never wanted to go to the E.R. and always fought hard against it if someone would bring it up like therapist or pdoc. I've SI'ed, on my wrist, from not doing it since around the end of last year. Honestly, when I was doing it, I was having some thoughts of cutting deeper just to hell with it. However, there are things that I do want to try and wait for to see if they help and improve things. I have a treatment plan with my therapist who is on leave that I do at least want to try and finish and see how it turns out. So I have to try and wait for her so we can continue and complete our therapy work. Things like EMDR and etc. There is also someone who I have become really, really close to and we both have decided that we'd try our best to keep pushing so that we can someday soon see each other. We live in different countries. That being said, I, for the first time of my life, asked my brother to take me to the hospital because I wasn't sure of what I was going to do to myself. I blindly tried my best to take a foot forward and reach out to my brother to get me into the hospital. My idea was only just for a few hours. My purpose for cutting is not to try and kill myself, well not really, but I was having thoughts about it and try going deeper. That being said, for the first time ever, I allowed myself to be admitted to the hospital E.R. on Tuesday night and asked my brother to take me there. The main reason why I went there was that I just needed some place for a few hours because I wasn't sure what I was going to do. After getting all set up, getting blood work and etc done, they gave me my own semi private room. It seems like there weren't many rooms because people were in the hallways and I'd see a person laying on a gurney in the hallway right outside of my door. After being there for a hour or two, I started feeling better and my brother also talked to me about going home and I felt a lot better I think. I wanted to go home now. A police officer comes now and starts talking to him. I had to show him my cuts and told him I was feeling better and wanted to go back home with my brother. He said that I can't and that I'm going to be transferred to the psych hospital on what they call a 5150 hold. I have to be involuntary admitted to the psych hospital and stay there for up to 72 hours. This starts giving me a lot of worry and stress because I have things that need to be taken care of at home and I also attend a university. I never wanted to be forced to stay for multiple days. I try to talk to the officer to tell him I am better now though and that I didn't need to go but he wouldn't change his mind or allow because he said he felt he wasn't comfortable sending me home with the cuts on my wrist. So now I am waiting in the room, on my gurny, until I get picked up. It felt like I was here just waiting forever. I think it was like 3 to 4 hours when I was finally transferred. I think my whole time at the hospital E.R. was about like 6 hours, from like 8 pm to 2am.

So the people have finally come and I'm getting transferred. It takes them forever to do paperwork so I'm wondering what's going on. After that, we're finally leaving the hospital and I get transferred to another gurney and to the back of the ambulance. We reach the psych hospital and I guess we had to waited in line. I guess they take one person at a time and so there were 2 ambulance ahead of us. I'm not sure what time it was but I was waiting in the back of the ambulance forever and it was so uncomfortable. I think it was like 2 to 2:30 am. Once they finally call for us, I have to do paperwork for these nurses and stuff. I had to change into their clothes and they took all my belongings. I would like to just say that their gown is so, so, SO uncomfortable. There was not a second where it wasn't bothering me and not wanting to just rip it off of me. So I came here not wanting to be here. There are a lot of things that didn't help. The front, triage nurses just made me feel uncomfortable. They were complaining about some things (i think a coworker that doesn't work or something?) and they were just so like displeased. It made me feel extremely uncomfortable because I felt such a "scary" and unwelcoming vibe. After they admit me, they bring me in to set up to sleep since it was 4 am now. The whole place in general just gave me extreme anxiety and I felt really uncomfortable. Everyone was mostly sleeping on mats next to other people. People are snoring extremely loud and I just wanted to run out from this room full of strangers that I don't know. So they gave me a spot to sleep and they gave me 2 blankets. I use 1 blanket to cover the mat because who knows who has laid on that mat? Then I cover my entire self with the blanket and over my head. Now, I don't get any sleep or is really hard to because of being around all these people, being in this place, and just because I was so damn uncomfortable from these clothes. So it's morning time and everyone is waking up, and there's a old white guy that next to me that just has these insane outbursts and adds to my anxiety and not wanting to be here. A good part of the morning I just kept my head under the blanket. So they said doctors will start seeing people once breakfast is served. They serve breakfast but I didn't eat. I wait hours and hours and hours. They gave snacks at 11 am and served lunch at 1 pm of which I didn't eat either. I just felt too uncomfortable there and had a lot anxiety. More hours pass and now they're serving dinner at like 6pm and I didn't eat that either. This whole time, I've just been sitting in a chair. I just wanted to see the doctor(pdoc?) and see if I can get discharged but nobody has ever called my name or came to talk to me. Someone came up and talked to me (i'm not really sure what his role was). So what the hell...I guess I'll try to talk to him since he has been literally the only person who has come up to talk to me. Just asking questions of why I'm here, etc. A lot of things I was uncomfortable talking about and was giving me anxiety and especially because it didn't help that we were talking in a big room where every was and I have social anxiety. So he goes to get something for me to take for my anxiety atm. At talking for a little while he says so then I don't really need to be here then which made me a little better because hopefully I can finally get discharged soon. I don't think he was my nurse or doctor though so I guess it ended up not really mattering. He was just someone that came to me to talk. Well he was going around and talking to some other people too. So now it's after they served dinner and I still have not seen a doctor today yet! I was getting frustrated and annoyed. Not that I really display that on the surface or by actions. I also wanted to stick with myself as much as possible and just try to go home as soon as I can. So I just basically sat in a chair for 12 hours. I also want to mention somethings that were going on throughout the whole day. People were constantly arguing with each other, screaming, yelling, and having insane outbursts. This whole place just felt EXTREMELY toxic to me. This was just giving me so much more anxiety. I did not want to be here at all. Like they don't do anything in the facility at all either. Like me, along with all of the other people are admitted here, are just sitting/laying around all day long. I've been sitting in this damn stupid chair for like 10 hours. The clothing tag on the gown I was wearing has been extremely annoying and uncomfortable the whole day because it was constantly rubbing against the bottom of my collar bone. So I go to the front desk and ask one of the ladies if I can have it cut off and removed. She ends up saying she actually wants to talk to me. She asks why I'm doing here, what's going on, all those typical questions. She questions if I need to be here and if I want to go home and I said yea, I told her I feel a lot better and don't need to be here. She says I can be discharged so I think she finally gets my discharge in order. A few minutes later...I change back into my clothes, get my belongings, and finally leave with my brother who came to pick me up.

God this forsaken experience has been terrible. I just hated it there so much. I know I've ALWAYS rejected hospitalization before. The whole place just made me feel more anxious, irritated, and what not. The place and environment just was so toxic. But now....yea. Good luck on ever trying to get me to go to a psych/mental hospital/facility. Not happening.

edit: there was also something that really annoyed. I read one of my papers that the nurse wrote "cuts on wrists from suicide attempt". i did not attempt suicide. and also the people there spoke to me like my cutting was so disgusting and why would i do it and like it was an action for suicide. this made me feel so disgusting and angry

edit: i also just would like to add how incredible this person has been to me ever since i have met her. the person that i mentioned i have become really close with. shes been such an important person to me and has supported me for the past year. i met her last year through PC and we've become really close and always there for each other. i can say that she is literally the only person i "talk" to besides my therapist and psychiatrist. we've promised each other to try our best to keep pushing forward and hope that we can see each other someday soon. to be honest, with some intent of possible of maybe going through with suicide, i texted her sorry that i might be gone for a few days, etc. with my whole thing with the hospitalization, she had a conversation with me after. she said it hurts her to see me struggle and as if she's not good enough to keep me here when i said that i'm going away. she wants us to be able to continue being each other's support. i realized something then. i felt really hurt because of the hurt i was giving her. i dont want to do that. then i realized how much i would hurt if she had said that, something happened to her, suddenly stopped responding to me, or any of those things. so now i'm going to try because i don't want to hurt her. i know there will still be days where i might often feel like its better off me dying but i want to be there for her and i most of all don't want to hurt her at all so i will try my best to get through these things. i still completely don't understand sometimes why she cares for me or sticks around. i often say bad things about myself to her too and why she's even still here and talking to me, etc. sometimes i think im unconsciously try to push her away or do/say things to get her to say things to reaffirm inside me that she actually still wants to be here which i believe would drive most people crazy/away. i am thankful that i have and met her. im really not sure what i would have done/where i would be because she has there for me through everything for the past +1 year

[bugbear83]

God that experience sounded just horrible! And yes, I did read the whole thing. I was incredibly interested to hear how another person's hospitalization went, since I remember being so stressed and anxious during my own short stay in the "ward" as well. It's absolutely deplorable the level of support they gave to you, especially during those crucial few hours after admittance. The nurses and pdocs should have given you a schedule! Met with you immediately after admitting you and told you the plan for the next few days or hours! They should have had a clean, quiet place for patients to gather and watch tv or play games, not just lay around and yell by themselves for hours, that's horrible...

My experience was a little better, although I ended up staying for a week. I mostly rested and did puzzles, and while I had my complaints (mostly about the food) I at least felt safe after I got used to it. Those first few hours though, after finding out I couldn't sign myself out till they decided I wasn't a danger to myself anymore? That was terrifying...

I'm so sorry you went through that hon. Also keep your good friend close! It's such a blessing knowing that someone truly cares. I have someone like that too! Do you guys live very far apart? Hopefully you can see each other soon. <3

I've heard of some psych wards that work that way. They have a holding room that patients have to wait in before they are admitted onto the actual floor and given a room. These tend to be the public hospitals in our area. I would never go to one of those hospitals.

They don't all work that way. The hospital I have used doesn't have that holding tank system. You are admitted and given a room immediately. In fact, if they don't have a room available, they won't begin admission at all but will send you to another hospital (I've never had that happen though; they usually have a few beds open up each day). One thing you might want to do for future reference is find out what hospitals have psych units and investigate how their system works so that you won't have repeat of that situation.

[LelouchLamperouge]

Originally Posted by bugbear83

God that experience sounded just horrible! And yes, I did read the whole thing. I was incredibly interested to hear how another person's hospitalization went, since I remember being so stressed and anxious during my own short stay in the "ward" as well. It's absolutely deplorable the level of support they gave to you, especially during those crucial few hours after admittance. The nurses and pdocs should have given you a schedule! Met with you immediately after admitting you and told you the plan for the next few days or hours! They should have had a clean, quiet place for patients to gather and watch tv or play games, not just lay around and yell by themselves for hours, that's horrible...

My experience was a little better, although I ended up staying for a week. I mostly rested and did puzzles, and while I had my complaints (mostly about the food) I at least felt safe after I got used to it. Those first few hours though, after finding out I couldn't sign myself out till they decided I wasn't a danger to myself anymore? That was terrifying...

I'm so sorry you went through that hon. Also keep your good friend close! It's such a blessing knowing that someone truly cares. I have someone like that too! Do you guys live very far apart? Hopefully you can see each other soon. <3

Yea the whole thing was just a nightmare. I never ever want to go back to being hospitalized or 5150'ed. Good luck ever trying to get me hospitalized again. The whole situation was extremely toxic, unhelpful and not healthy for me. There was not a second that I did not want to be there after since I first crossed the front sliding doors on the gurney into the facility.

Even though I always rejected these places and scared to go to them, I can't believe how bad I experienced this place to be. Not only this place was not helpful, but it was toxic and unhealthy. If I was extremely suicidal, I am sure it would help put me OVER the edge. I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

[LelouchLamperouge]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

I've heard of some psych wards that work that way. They have a holding room that patients have to wait in before they are admitted onto the actual floor and given a room. These tend to be the public hospitals in our area. I would never go to one of those hospitals.

They don't all work that way. The hospital I have used doesn't have that holding tank system. You are admitted and given a room immediately. In fact, if they don't have a room available, they won't begin admission at all but will send you to another hospital (I've never had that happen though; they usually have a few beds open up each day). One thing you might want to do for future reference is find out what hospitals have psych units and investigate how their system works so that you won't have repeat of that situation.

That could be what it was. But still, how can they think that holding "5150" patients, those who are involuntarily admitted and extremely unstable, to be held and kept in these facilities/areas? I know that I won't be forgetting this experience.

[bugbear83]

Originally Posted by LelouchLamperouge

Yea the whole thing was just a nightmare. I never ever want to go back to being hospitalized or 5150'ed. Good luck ever trying to get me hospitalized again. The whole situation was extremely toxic, unhelpful and not healthy for me. There was not a second that I did not want to be there after since I first crossed the front sliding doors on the gurney into the facility.

Even though I always rejected these places and scared to go to them, I can't believe how bad I experienced this place to be. Not only this place was not helpful, but it was toxic and unhealthy. If I was extremely suicidal, I am sure it would help put me OVER the edge. I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

[passionfruit3]

Be thankful you didn't stay three weeks on the acute unit thats terrible

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[LelouchLamperouge]

Originally Posted by passionfruit3

Be thankful you didn't stay three weeks on the acute unit thats terrible

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I just remembered something while I was at the psych facility. I remember mentioning something to one of the staff there when I was referring something back to the hospital (the actual hospital) E.R. while talking to them. The person was like, "What are you talking about? This is the emergency room." Now that I think about it, I think I was basically put in a psych waiting/holding room. This system is so stupid. They were literally going to keep me there for 72 hour involuntary hold? I'm so glad/lucky I was able to do my best to get the hell out of there as soon as possible and do my best to make it seem like I was perfectly fine. If I honestly stayed there for 48 hours or more, I would have literally gone absolutely crazy. How can you keep someone who is determined to be a 5150 and extremely unstable in that setting/area? Like, I did not ONCE have someone come evaluate me or do an assessment. And absolutely nothing to do or keep yourself busy so people being held there either just stay in a bad state or get worse. I will never ever go back.

[passionfruit3]

Yeah your extremely lucky its mandatory normally to stay for up to three days that is a legal hold unless the doctor feels you don't need it or need more .It's weird no one assessed you but curiously what were you expecting from a mental hospital ?there usually under paided and under staffed and they have to deal with much worser patients than us . people are going to get pushed to the sidelines therenot going to get paid attention to not making excuses just saying as

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[elevatedsoul]

the place i went to was smaller and more structured... i think maximum capacity was 15 people...
but my experience still was really not that great... because i have social phobia too and they were trying to treat me for bipolar...
and i really wasn't there the whole time i was in another world just trying to escape till they would release me... 8 group meetings a day for 8 days... finally got them to release me.. it sucks in there... it actually made me worse i think... even though it was a nice place... i pretty much dissociated the whole thing though...

im glad you have a good friend that you relate and connect with...
but please becareful... i fell in love with a long distance relationship for 4 years and things just kept being dragged on while im trying to do everything i could to get money saved to either get a visa and tickets to see her or get her to come here or anything...
but it was a fluke... she ended up being in relationship with a guy there and living with him and it just made my symptoms go crazy...

not saying she is doing that to you, but just that one should becareful because never know whats gonna happen... and i dont want your symptoms to spiral out of control like mine did when that happened... it really messed my head up (worse than it already was..) i have alot of trust issues, so i thought it was special that i found someone i could trust... but when that one person you trust whole heartedly betrays you... the world ignites with napalm...

please dont self harm on the wrists, if you absolutely have to then try to avoid those areas because there are nerves that you can cut and will not be able to use your hand/arm or whatever anymore...