[black-roses]

I have been going to counselling sessions but there's are some topics I would be embarrassed to bring up. There is this guy I have known for three years I feel sorrow and helpless because all of sudden I want his babies and I know I can't that I am being irrational and crazy somehow but I feel this overwhelming feeling and it's almost like if I don't have his babies I will die of overwhelm. He has been gone and we haven't talked in a while because of my nature of thinking the worst of a situation he did something minor like say his friends saw my boobs and all of a sudden I am saying "your all evil" and he's like what? and i am like "You came back just to hurt me". Not only that but I feel a tightness in my chest when I think of it because I just assumed the worst of him and a lot of the situations with people. I feel anxiety and I know I was unfairly taking the issue out of perpotion I feel anxiety because he doesn't know how I truly feel on the inside because I am the type of person who hides all her emotions and pretend their not there so I don't process my insecurities and the faster on and on until it turns, into a feeling of out of control and then the feelings of revenge, hatred and wanting to gut the bastard at his house. He may have been joking or whatever his intentions just wanted to gloat about me but I am someone who absolutely hates having my name brought up in sexual situations because I have been a victim of my uncle wanting to sleep with me and ever since that happened I have been able to process sexual desires and feelings and when guys talk about it I just feel cold to the bone and raw on the inside. He couldn't have known that I was affected by something like that so he wouldn't understand and to be honest I am glad he doesn't know because in these situations I just keep these emotions to myself. Telling others just makes me get made fun of and victimized and treated like some kind of object that is manipulated. It is such a stupid thing to get upset about but for me it just felt like he was going behind my back and almost bragging about me being harmed by my uncle and I just felt laughed at. When I know that's not what happened and he doesn't know that and there's no way he would know or understand and it's just killing me on the inside and I can't deal with what happened to me and I need him here and he's not and I feel like I AM SUFFOCATING on the inside alone but he shouldn't... be... here...

[elevatedsoul]

i cant talk about sex either... it sucks.. try not to beat yourself up... its not your fault...
when ever the subject comes up around me i kind of tune out... but not everyone can do that... i never reply when someone says something about intimacy... or anything...
eventually they get the point that im not interested in talking/hearing these things...
i dont have to explain to anyone... it doesnt matter what they think...

[black-roses]

I'm glad that someone knows where I am coming from I am not sure why I feel this way I guess I could still feel a bit fragile about the subject because I am depressed and am worried that they might throw there poor boundaries on me. I tell her some of this stuff but not everything else I guess I am just embarrassed about the subject I guess it's okay to be when it's a psychologist that you have only seen for a few sessions.

[elevatedsoul]

it does take a little time to feel comfortable... dont have to rush it...
sometimes our minds do these things to protect something... they will cause emotions and feelings and we will avoid stuff... it is like trying not to get burned... but we have to learn that somethings are not hot... because we dont know...
we are fragile... but being so fragile means we see a lot more than others... we have to..

[black-roses]

.That's so true