[Craine]

I hate it that even with how often she would tell me that i am useless and that i was an unplanned baby, it still gets to me. It hurts me quite a lot because i would rather not exist as well, but constantly feeling like i burden my parents for existing because her life would be easier if i wasnt her daughter hurts me even more.
I know that whatever she tells me are just words but i cant help but believe her since she is my mother.
She doesnt realize how much her words hurt me and whenever she sees me crying, she just sees it as self-pity. Could that be it? Is being hurt the same as self-pity?
I want her words to not get to me anymore since i think i should be desensitized by it by now. How can i stop myself from being affected by her words?

[Septembersrain]

My mother was the same. One day she'd say she loved me so much. The next she'd point a gun to my head and tell me "She brought me into this world, so she could take me out.".

She was always on drugs or alcohol and if I angered her, I'd be verbally abused at best physically abused at worst.

This woman even sold my virginity to a man she called my "Uncle". Her multiple boyfriends always got so close to me I'd run away or act violent/crazy to deter them.

I could go on with more but the moral of this story is: You can't.

She'll always affect you, it'll always hurt. However as time passes you'll find ways to separate from her. Hopefully you'll find people in your life who can help you heal. With therapy and time, you'll learn to realize it wasn't your fault. You may never completely get over it but you can learn to be a better person from it.

And this is going to sound sad but someday she'll pass away like mine did. You'll feel sorrow, you'll feel relief, you'll feel guilt but keep moving forward.

I'm not going to say this is easy, it's not. I pray you and your mother will eventually see eye to eye and can repair your relationship. My mother and I were not able to, so this advice I'm giving, well... Its worst case scenario.

Sent from my iPhone 5c using Tapatalk.

Originally Posted by Craine

I hate it that even with how often she would tell me that i am useless and that i was an unplanned baby, it still gets to me. It hurts me quite a lot because i would rather not exist as well, but constantly feeling like i burden my parents for existing because her life would be easier if i wasnt her daughter hurts me even more.
I know that whatever she tells me are just words but i cant help but believe her since she is my mother.
She doesnt realize how much her words hurt me and whenever she sees me crying, she just sees it as self-pity. Could that be it? Is being hurt the same as self-pity?
I want her words to not get to me anymore since i think i should be desensitized by it by now. How can i stop myself from being affected by her words?

I started a thread a couple of weeks ago about Mothers abusing their sons emotionally and religiously. My mother told me to my face that A) I was an accident, B) She resented my birth(I also heard this behind closed doors), C)
I was a murderer D) I was wicked, E) I was an A##hole(rare vulgarity). She proved her resentment towards me throughout my childhood and until she died when I was 56. I thought our relationship had improved. I asked for forgiveness for a lifestyle they disapproved of and for any words or deeds I had done which angered her. Mind you I never willfully did anything to hurt her or my father. Many times I would get letters out of the blue filled with anger, vitriol and false accusations. I had said or did nothing. I finally with the greatest of tact wrote her back basically saying to "Love me as I am not for you want me to be" and didn't speak for a year. I remembered holidays and birthday cards but no talk. She died in 2012 and I hadn't seen her in a year and a half. I always told myself she was a good mother and worked at getting the negative out of my heart but suddenly two months ago the memories came back. Now it's the same old insomnia, guilt, shame and anxiety. She manipulated my father when I ever said something she didn't like and he would call and start with his hissing anger. Now all I have is a sister who has disdain for me because I don't read the bible or go to church. She has told me not to speak of anything in my life prior to 1997. She only calls for 15 minutes at a time and only talks about God and her job. She thinks I'm after something in her life and is afraid of me. Why? Because I stood up to her ONCE twenty years ago. Neither her nor my mother could tolerate a challenge to their 'authority'. Like mother like daughter. I don't think I'll rid myself of their influence since it began as a little boy. They say if I pray it'll go away.

[Fuzzybear]