[mizora]

I have been asking myself this question for years, as if I could find the answer I could solve the problem. Yes, I am on meds. Yes I seeing a therapist. I really am trying, but yet it persists. So I am going to attempt to list the reasons I am depressed (besides the chemical in balance):

1.) I no longer have a very close family. I am an only child and all through my life I have relied on family to make me feel loved, comfortable, and at home. Through the years people have grown distant or died of old age etc. I really don't have any regular family events and no one seems to give a crap. I have tried over the years to create family events, I will pull together the few family members living close by with my in laws and do celebrations. I am starting to realize why TV shows are so cynical and all the main characters drink when they have to put up with each other. It's a long story but it doesn't seem to zip up nicely, I just hope my daughter gets enjoyment and can create memories from it.

2.) My mother is mentally ill (see my previous post-its a long story) and having a relationship with her is difficult. I can't have the support I need from her and I wonder what life would be life if I could.

3.) I have several friends in the past who have screwed me over and broken my heart so now I really don't trust people.

4.) I have extremely high expectations and I feel like nothing/no one measures up. I hate this, I really do and I wish I wasn't like this. I really give a lot of myself and make a huge effort to make people feel special, I get to know exactly what they like and find very unique gifts to surprise them. I love giving people I love things, it makes me happy! It's just when it's my turn I feel like I get over looked or unnoticed. Sometimes I feel like everyone could so easily forget me. I know, I know, I am not being reasonable. This is so stupid. Why can't I just get over myself and forget it? Give people a break? Just because I don't get the support I think I need doesn't mean people don't care.

5.) Getting older sucks, no one really cares about you the way they did when you where little. This kinda corresponds with the above but I really felt it needed it's own point. Life just feels more meaningless the older you get.

6.) Religion. I don't even know where to start there. I've lost mine. I wish I could have faith but all I feel is angry.

7.) Boredom. I have no interest in doing much of anything, a lot of times I just feel hobbies are stupid and pointless. Except writing, I like to write. That's why I am typing this entry isn't it? It's nice to have an outlet.

Anyone else feel this way? How do you get through it? I feel like it will never end, the more years that go by I just find myself drifting further and further into this abyss. I don't want to live out my life feeling submerged in grey, I miss the color of life and I want it back so badly. I want to be passionate and whimsical, I want to look forward t tomorrow again. It has been especially bad now for two years, I have dealt with depression off and on for 14 years. I just don't want to be this person anymore.

I can check off a number of these (6/7). Medication and CBT have helped. Since I have been on Citalopram (it is also an anti-compulsive) I no longer ruminate on these things - which I admit I was constantly doing before. The main problem now is boredom. Even if I DO have something to do I am likely to avoid or not want to do it/participate. It is hard to find the motivation. Volunteering has helped a great deal as it means making a commitment and I am thus forced to get out.

[Fizzyo]

[Fuzzybear]

[mizora]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

I can check off a number of these (6/7). Medication and CBT have helped. Since I have been on Citalopram (it is also an anti-compulsive) I no longer ruminate on these things - which I admit I was constantly doing before. The main problem now is boredom. Even if I DO have something to do I am likely to avoid or not want to do it/participate. It is hard to find the motivation. Volunteering has helped a great deal as it means making a commitment and I am thus forced to get out.

Volunteering is a good idea. I've been thinking about maybe going to church, that would be a commitment to get me out.

I am good at avoiding things to do too. I have a blanket I am crocheting but I just don't feel into it. I don't know what I want to draw or see a reason to start so I don't. I was on Citalopram before, it worked well for 2 years and then just stopped. I am taking Zoloft and Wellbutrin now and the occasional Clonazapam or Zanax depending on the situation.