[pfeffa]

the big symptom of my depression is my addiction to ruminating over a relationship with a colleague whom i have a crush on. i can't stand it! i keep thinking about ways to get closer to him so that i can feel validated as a human being. meanwhile i am married and living a pretty happy life. (yes, my husband is aware of my emotional infidelity to some extent.) only i don't feel happy these days.

my friend suggested picturing a stop sign whenever my mind goes to this relationship (every other second, it seems) and it actually seems to work a little bit. maybe if i do it often enough i will actually stop thinking of this extraneous relationship less... any other suggestions?

[Skeezyks]

Hello pfeffa: The Skeezyks probably doesn't have much in the way of suggestions to offer. From his perspective, trying to stifle or stuff down thoughts & emotions only makes them come back stronger. What he does is to try to accept difficult thoughts & emotions... with lovingkindness & compassion. He allows them to come up, he breathes into them, perhaps even smiles to them. After a bit, he strives to drop the story line & continue to breathe into the raw emotion that lies underneath. He then allows it all to fade away at its own pace.

I once developed something of an obsession with a particular YouTuber for reasons which are probably not worth going into here (it's complicated.) I wanted so badly to have an internet relationship with this person. (I still do...) Nothing would make me happier. However, she consistently ignored me & after a few modest attempts, I gave up. She's no longer active on YouTube & neither am I for the most part. And I wouldn't want to be a pest anyway. What's over is over. But I still think about her almost daily. I occasionally check back on her YouTube channel. But, although she still has one, there's nothing there anymore. I feel very sad...

I send my best wishes your way, pfeffa, with the hope that you will be able to heal...

[shatteredexistence]

Your situation is almost exactly like mine except the sexes are reversed. She moved and I'm still not over it. I miss her every day and constantly think about her.

[pfeffa]

Skeezyks, i try to remember that what underlies my obsessive thinking is a need to feel validated. i try to have compassion, instead of disdain, for myself -- disdain because i haven't yet figured out how to self-validate. what helps me most is to think about who i would rather be -- me or someone else. i invariably prefer the thought of continuing on as myself. i practice compassion with others, but i am secretly such a snob. the idea that nobody is perfect becomes a problem, rather than an endearing fact of human existence when i am depressed...

Shatteredexistence, i feel your pain. And the pain of self-hatred for the obsession. Right now i am feeling a little better, but only because the person whom i obsess over has made a friendly gesture. it is disheartening to think that my emotional well-being is so dependent on the actions of another.

[Frankbtl]

Hi pfeffa,

Absolutely working on developing self-validation could be a big key to this issue, and it's great that you're showing so much insight into some of the roots of the problem which can in itself be a big step
But just wondering..........does your husband, or the relationship you have with him, or the life you live together, make you feel invalidated in any way, to have been an added trigger this??
I don't know whether it might be a case for "having a heart-to-heart talk" with your husband, marriage counseling, assessing (and acknowledging!!) your personal achievements and attributes or what you want to achieve..........or maybe there are things in your past which have made you feel such a need for validation which you may need to deal with.............
Just some thoughts............



Alison

[pfeffa]

Hi Alison,

I think the big thing in our relationship that in some ways makes me feel invalidated is not having any children. This is something that my husband feels strongly about -- he has a daughter from a previous marriage and doesn't want any more children.

That being said, it is pretty clear that i have been this way since long before the two of us got together. I have to say that i am glad that i no longer obsess over my relationship with him -- but it seems like i need to obsess over someone. My parents, in their own way, have sort of role modeled this way of being in a relationship.

Luckily my husband is up for heart to hearts and has gone with me to counseling when i felt i needed it. I am just trying to figure out how to work through whatever childhood issues i can in a way that leads to self-love. So far the years of therapy haven't gotten me there.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

[Frankbtl]

Hi pfeffa,

Sounds like a VERY big thing in your relationship!!!
Even if you weren't "overly keen" on having children.......to have it laid down that clearly that, for him, it wasn't an option............
I don't know whether you want/need to give some serious thought as to whether you still want to be in a relationship with him..........??
Although it's not to say that it can't work despite that "agreement"...........it may be that if you're willing to accept that, he needs to go a bit more "over and above" in recompense to make you feel as if he truly validates you and the relationship...........so maybe there's more you need him to do/show you??
And perhaps take some of the aspects you admire in your colleague, or some of the ways you might imagine him behaving towards you, more as a sign of how you'd like you husband to be when you're together...........there may even be some "little" things from that your husband could easily come around to doing which could make a difference in your relationship..........

But the obsessing...........as well as it being role-modelled, could it be a sign of insecurity, or wanting more out of life..........or do you see things in them that you'd like to develop more in yourself, then if you could pinpoint some of those things............or do they fill an "emptiness" which could be filled in a more positive way..............or a fear of being "alone" or "less than" without someone really important in your life..............maybe truly discovering some of the causes could lead you to ways to tackle it??

But childhood issues can sometimes be extremely hard to work through, so really good you're working on them..........and while it might be hard, just don't give up!!
Just one last thing though..............."self love" can be a MASSIVE goal to aim for when you're struggling...........I'd say maybe start with aiming for more "self worth", "self respect", "self value", "self compassion"............any of those, or any combination of those, and build from there???



Alison

[pfeffa]

Good morning, Alison.

Funny thing -- i tried replying to your message twice with no luck due to not being signed in. The process of responding to you has been very helpful though!

I realize that i romanticize the prospect of motherhood (my colleague loves to share heartwarming funny stories about his family), but i think that while being a parent would fill up my free time and challenge me in new ways, it wouldn't necessarily change my need to be validated externally by this super popular, clever and smooth colleague.

Although it might not be a bad idea for me to get a job volunteering with people.

The insecurity and desire for more in life is a big part of my struggle. I don't see myself as important to anyone (which pisses off my friends and husband). I realize this is a limiting way to view the world -- ultimately very few people, statistically, are important in a big way. Maybe i just need to see myself more clearly. I don't know.

Thank you for your time and your insights!

Best,
Pfeffa

[Killian Hook]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi pfeffa,

Just one last thing though..............."self love" can be a MASSIVE goal to aim for when you're struggling...........I'd say maybe start with aiming for more "self worth", "self respect", "self value", "self compassion"............any of those, or any combination of those, and build from there???



Alison

Hear, hear!