[rachel_]

About a year ago, my mother got drunk and went off on me about a variety of things. At some point in her tirade, she went
"Your father is a serial rapist."
Of course, my thought immediately was that the only reason I was here had to do with the fact that my father had raped my mother. I truly wanted to die and laid in bed for I don't know how many days. I loved my father. He could be a real a**hole, but he loved me and my brother, even though he went about raising us in a difficult way. My father was 50 when I was born, and I'll be 41 my next bday, so he lived thru the Depression as one of four sons of a single mother (his father died when he was 6 in a mental hospital after trying to beat the hell out of my pregnant grandmother). He served in WWII and was very much of that generation, though it never really impacted me until kids started asking "is that your grandfather" when they would see him with me. (I never wanted him to know, because I feared his feelings would be hurt. I never cared.) He has been dead since 2003, and recently I found out that my parents did not actually legally marry until I was 9. This matters not, but I asked my mother about the California marriage certificate I found and she confirmed that they had been common law partners until then. She said "he told me we were married. Why do you think I hated his guts?" (I still have not figured this out, because I didn't proceed further with her.) They married so my mother could get his Social Security, which says a lot about him. He cared enough for her and loved us kids enough to be sure we would be provided for after his passing. She's living on that Social Security check right now. I loved my father. I love my father, but the whole 'serial rapist' thing has me completely head-f*****. During the same conversation about the marriage, I referenced the allegations she had made against him to me about the rapes, and her response was 'Let's not discuss that.'.

She was the one who brought it up in the first place when she was trashed. I had hoped desperately it was something a drunk person would spew out, but she was sober as a judge when she said she didn't want to discuss the issue, which leads me to believe that there is truth in the allegation. I had hoped she had said it when she was drunk because she was mad and only wanted to hurt me, but now I fear even more that it's true. I cannot stop being depressed about this. In the last 5 months, I've learned also that my mother was the victim of sexual abuse from her father and her brother when she was growing up, though this does not necessarily bear on my story. I put this only to round out the picture of my mother's life.

I don't know how to reconcile this. I loved my father. How can I love a rapist, even one who tried to do his best to raise me and loved me dearly? Is it wrong to love the man who raped your mother, even if he's the father who raised you until he died?

I can't get past this. I can't.

Wow

Gee, this is a difficult one to respond to. But I want to point out that you are the same person after you learned this news as before. This has not changed who you are.

[rachel_]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Wow

Gee, this is a difficult one to respond to. But I want to point out that you are the same person after you learned this news as before. This has not changed who you are.

While I may be the same person, I still don't know how to reconcile what my mother said. Maybe I'll never be able to, and it will be something I'll have to deal with as my life goes on. Maybe that's the endpoint to my question. Maybe no one can tell me how I should feel about my father, and the only thing I can do is go on from here and figure stuff out as I move forward. I don't know.

[adam_k]

You can still love a person and not love the things he did, if he did them. Your mother may have had a lot of resentment and anger against him and you were who it got dropped on by making a big statement.

When you questioned her about what she said she may have felt ashamed if she lied and wanted it to go away.

If it is true then you didn't have any control over what happened.

All you knew is the dad you had and he loved you. Try to hang onto those memories and not the ones about what he may have or may not have done.

[rachel_]

Originally Posted by adam_k

You can still love a person and not love the things he did, if he did them. Your mother may have had a lot of resentment and anger against him and you were who it got dropped on by making a big statement.

When you questioned her about what she said she may have felt ashamed if she lied and wanted it to go away.

If it is true then you didn't have any control over what happened.

All you knew is the dad you had and he loved you. Try to hang onto those memories and not the ones about what he may have or may not have done.

Thank you. You're right. My father did love me and I have to keep those memories at the forefront of my mind when I think about him. Nothing is ever going to change that about our relationship.

Take care and thanks again.

[Killian Hook]

You have a lot to work through here, and it won't be easy.

In my experience, people can be "dry drunks," in other words, they can still exhibit the behavior of an alcoholic whether they are drinking or not. As Adam said, she might have felt ashamed about a lie, or it might have been avoidance. She might only feel safe enough to talk about what happened when she is drunk because of the pain she feels otherwise. A moment's sobriety does not give what she says then any more or less veracity.

I like what you said about keeping your father's love for you forefront in your mind.

In the absence of any more information, maybe you could write him a letter and tell him about your conflicted feelings? It might help you find a way past it. Just a thought.

--Killian

Rachel, people fail us all the time. My dad had passed 4 years ago. I found out things about him that was very distressing. I use to idolize my dad but what i learned was so overwhelming that it changed forever how i feel about him. Yes i still love my dad as much as you do. You have to find a way to let go ugly truths you have learned and let it go. My mom just died this April. She tried to tell me something a few years back saying she was a horrible mother to me, and then froze, could not tell me and walked away. She did this twice. She died without telling me, i had to find out myself. Try having both of your parents having truths you did not want to hear. Life is what you make it, so realize #1, you are loved. realize #2, you did love and were loved. realize #3, you still have the ability to love and continue being your wonderful self. (((hugs))) tc