[pastelcapricorn]

Okay, so for the last couple of weeks I've been struggling worse than I ever had been before (though, that sounds silly since I'm technically still a child, I've only been thirteen for about 5 months), and I was crying a lot more. I didn't know what to do at all, I felt like I was drowning, so I got the courage to reach out to my dad about two weeks ago.

I went downstairs and confronted the topic to my dad. It'd probably help to understand my dad a little bit better by saying,

My family split when I was three, my mum and dad had a massive fight and my dad got custody of me. My mum now lives 2 h 40 min (165.4 mi) away from me, and I can only visit her on holidays. Truth be told, I hate my dad - and I love my mum - I want to live with her but because some things happened, she can't have her children living with her. So... I'm stuck at my dad's until I'm 16. I've never told him but he knows that I dislike him.


So, after this conversation, he came in a few hours later and apologised. He told me he loved me, and that he cared for me and things like that. Yesterday, I felt like he didn't really understand what I meant when I told him I was depressed, and so I wrote a long e-mail to him explaining to him the full length of my emotions - since I was too scared to confront him face-to-face about the subject. I also discussed my self harm in the email.

Then he came into my room and he talked to me. He said things like "You're not depressed, it's just a phrase, your hormones are acting up because you're growing, and you're stressed because of school. You're fine." Now I know that not every student in my year self harms and constantly puts themselves down - as well as thoughts about death, but I didn't say anything. He also told me to "Stop scarring yourself - you'll be scarred for life."

In the morning, he spoke to me a little about seeing a psychiatrist. He told me all they'd do was give me anti depressants, fill me with drugs () - he told me that I should see a psychologist if I wanted help. I said yes, so he said he'd talk to my headteacher and see if there are any at the school - though I don't really want to see the school psychologist. I went to school, and when I came home he told me that he wanted to talk about it with my mum first. I think she understands me a little bit more than my dad does even though she doesn't spend as much time, so I'm hoping she understands that I need help. I know I need help, and even though I feel like I don't really want it I know it's what's best for me. Also, my dad said that if I wanted to self harm, that it's alright as long as I don't scar myself permanently or put my life in danger. I'm happy he understands that it's an addiction.

My life seems to be going uphill, I really hope that it does - I'm frightened to see a psychologist actually, but I know that only good can come from it. Even though I'm still just a kid, I know that what I'm going through isn't just a 'phase' like my dad put it... unless, it actually is. What do you guys think? I'm sorry, this was onger than I hoped it would be.

[Fizzyo]

Hi Pastelcapricorn,

I'm soooooo sorry to hear how much pain you feel.
It's hard, but I think no one can completely understand another person. You need to be inside their head and emotions to do that, and I'm not sure I understand myself so I don't fancy anyone else's chances.

I'm glad your Dad seems to be trying to understand.

My feeling is that seeing a psychologist is a good place to start. It's not easy, you have to work hard, but it may well help you get back on an even keel.

Good luck, I hope you get the support you need.

[pastelcapricorn]

Oh gosh - I'm so sorry I didn't see this >.<
Thank you so much for the support. It's been tough - it turns out he doesn't understand at all what's going on, but I'm going to continue to struggle and try to live through this on my own, since it's the only thing I can do now. Thanks again, and sorry again that I didn't see.

[Fizzyo]

Don't worry I only just posted, I'm sorry I didn't see your thread sooner.

You may be in your own, but you're not alone here.

Take care and be kind to yourself.