[dexter]

I've been so full of anxiety these past few days. I'm really almost to the bottom of my bank account and still behind on all my bills.

I sent emails out today to people who owe me money. People have owed me money since 1996... I've never pressured them for payback because it's not a driving factor for me. They usually pay a bit when they can but there is still over $6000 in "debt" that people owe me. I've given them money with no hesitation at all for rent, car repairs, credit card debt. Now I'm in danger of losing everything (including my sanity) and I'm begging them to please try to borrow the money from someone else to pay me back. It's just so frustrating. It feels like the ending of It's a Wonderful Life only in reverse.

I got a letter today that they lowered the limit on one of my credit cards. That was really a blow. I've always gotten letters about them increasing my limit. I'm not used to being a "bad debt". I was counting on that one card (the only one still active) to pay the repair expense for my computer but now I won't have enough. I not only have my only real connection to the world through my computer but also it is the source of my marketable skills.

To top things off, I called about tapping into my 401k today, there's not much in there but it will help me for a few weeks anyway. They said I had to talk to my plan administrator to get the terms I am eligible for. Well I was the plan admisitrator, so now I not only have to talk to my boss, but he's going to have to call the same person I talked to to find out what the hell I can or cannot do.

I tried to be good today and make some other calls... I finally called for a rheumatoid appt, the doc isn't in today. Don't know why. I called about my homeowner's insurance, they haven't been paid yet, and my insurance will be cancelled in two days.

That's a whole 'nother story from last week... two notices, one from State Farm that they haven't been paid, and one from the mortgage company saying if my insurance is cancelled they will automatically write up a new policy that will cost three times more. The mortgage company is supposed to pay the insurance company (out of my escrow). So I immediately think that they haven't paid it because I'm behind in my mortgage payments and so there isn't enough money in my escrow. So I call and they say it's because they haven't received a bill from the insurance co. I call the insurance co and they assure me they sent a bill, they confirmed the address, correct.

So the insurance agent can't generate a new bill from the office, I have to call regional. Regional can generate a new bill but they can't fax it, only mail it. This a week before cancellation. I head out and fax my cancellation notice right to the mortgage company hoping they will except it as a bill, and someone at the agents office says they can print my info and fax it for me, while it isn't a bill, it has the information they need to pay it.

But I'm still convinced that the bill has nothing to do with it, that they didn't pay because they won't pay, and the person I spoke with was in error.

Turned out it was the bill, the mortgage company paid it last week after I faxed, but insurance co hasn't received it yet. I'm down to the wire and I am worried about it. And I keep thinking if this were last year it would be no problem. First I would have been on top of it and it wouldn't have waited this long. Second if they said they didn't get the bill there would be no reason to second guess it so I would have resent the bill and not worried about it. Third if worst came to worst I would have paid the bill myself and not worried about it. I've been worried all week, trying as hard as I can to keep that stupid 600 bucks in my account in case I had to pay it myself. That would have left me about $50... no problem until I realize that I have to eat once in a while, not to mention prescriptions, three are at the pharmacy right now waiting for me to pick up. Even without paying the insurance bill I am so close to the edge here.

I'm just all in knots and panic over this. Mostly because I am starting to feel better but I'm not better enough to jump in and take care of this stuff. And I'm worried that it is all just going to push me back down. This time if I relapse everything is definitely gone. The mortgage co won't give me any more time and all other bills are way behind as it is.

I want to bury under the covers again and stay there.

I have been working on my resume. I'm going to post a proof shortly and give a link to it so I can get feedback on how it looks.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[heatherm]

((((((((((((Dave))))))))))))

The thing that stood out to me most of your post was "because I am starting to feel better ".....hang onto that ok? You are doing great handling all of this and should be proud of how far you have come.

Keep making those phone calls that you are doing....I know it will be hard to call your boss about the 401k ...but I do know that you can do it.


Heather

[dexter]

I am hanging onto that and thanks for the reinforcement. The good part is that it is noticable at times, mostly in contrast to some "bookmarks" I had when I was feeling worse.

When I wrote the poem "Haunted" it was because I was discussing with my T that I thought my kitchen might be haunted, because every time I went downstairs for food I was OVERWHELMED with noticable sadness, as if the kitchen was a focus point for something. I did not truly believe the kitchen was haunted but something about it triggered my depression.

Once in a while that still happens but when it does I snap out of it quickly because when I feel that overwhelming sadness, I realize that no longer feel that way every time I go to the kitchen... and that is a huge improvement.

I'm probably going to email my boss... there are some other anxiety factors there with other people involved at work, that now come into play with regard to the 401(k) (including the one who replaced me in taking care of that stuff) that make it a reall stressor for me. I've already worked out with a friend that if I go through with this he will bring the forms there for the boss to sign them for me because no way could I set foot in there myself.

That might be a goal to work through but it is so incredibly serious that I really think it is in my best interest to focus on other goals and just put all that behind me as soon as I can.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[Rapunzel]

You are getting better, Dex. I have seen a big change in you. Even at your lowest you were very helpful to other people, but now even when things are bothering you, you still have hope. You've been getting out more, being more assertive, and taking care of things that you need to. I just know things are going to work out for you. I know that the things you are up against are scary, and anyone would have anxiety over them, but I have confidence that you will make it through this.
{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}
Wendy

<font color=orange>"Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."</font color=orange>

[inkblot]

Dexter, I know where you are at. I have been there, and could be heading there again. I'm really scared about that and trying to prevent it, but feel that it's almost inevitable. I'm a bad debt person now from that time before, and that wasn't very long ago. I was great with my money before, got a car loan with no credit back when I was 20 and single. Of course, that was a long time ago. Now, this is all post-separation/divorce. I'm trying to think positive. The only reason I've made it so long right now with no job is that I "hoarded" my money while I worked. I didn't bother to pay my old credit card debt because I couldn't even make the minimum payment. I did make occassional payments of like $200 though, if I had that much to spare of from a gift. I've really cut back on prescriptions as well. I'm not taking much of anything right now, but a couple of things. Last year, I spent over $1,000 in prescription copays--and I cut back alot then, too! I'm afraid that this month will be the end. I hope to still have a home, but we'll see. I'll keep you in my thoughts, Dex. We can support each other. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dexter}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[SeptemberMorn]

I'm rooting for you, Dave! You've done wonders in the last little while and I certainly commend you for that. Make sure you do the same, ok? Keep up that positive self-talk.




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>