[zd101604]

Hello to everyone reading this I hope you're having a nice day, but the hardest part of this is finding where I should start but I guess I should start anyway, I'll be getting back on topic.

I don't really remember when my depression started, or even how I got it in the first place I've had it so long that I forgot when I first got it, I'm really only sorry about not going out sooner, not having the strength to really, but the first time I remember having depression was in middle school, any friends I mentioned will have their names changed to protect their identity.I was in the seventh grade if I remember right some of what I say my be wrong as it was so many years ago, but lets get back on topic.

I was with my friend, who will be called Joe for this post I had known Joe for a long time, we got to meet in the third grade and we just hit it off really, we even still talk to this day but not really a much as we used too, I also had another friend he will be called Stan for this post.

Me and Stan got to meet in my first year of middle school, Joe introduced us to each other we hit it off at first, liking many of the same things,we would help each other with homework if one of us got to lazy to do it (It was mostly me who was to lazy to even try it, ah the fun times) At the same time, my father was trying to get back in my life, but I'll speak more on him later....

All at the same time I was getting stress from tests and all the work I had to do, I Was feeling so overwhelmed, sometime after I found out Stan was cutting himself out of depression I still don't know why he was depressed to this day, I tried to help him over time he got better, one time he was dating this girl they ended up breaking up, I was trying to help him by saying things like "Forget about her." "You're too good for her." But he just ended up getting mad at me...

One time Joe was cutting himself too, I Was trying to help him but he just ended up pushing me away, not really much can be said, we only really make small talk nowadays he never really gets on his Facebook, we sadly just ended up growing apart. Sometime after I ended up getting depressed for the longest time I didn't even know I was depressed I would just feel a coldness inside of me everyday, something slowing me down, something making me not want to work, that is when I really started being lazy, and being a freeloader, before the seventh grade I was a hard worker.

I really still don't know why I got depressed, and why I still am to this day, but I'll try not to get too far off topic anymore. One time I was trying to go to Stan for help all I remember him saying was "Dude, you're not depressed." Mouths seemed to pass, as time went by at this point I was just wearing a fake smile to lie to myself that I was alright that I didn't need to tell anyone one so I told Stan that I wasn't depressed anymore that I beat it by myself.

At this point in my life I was thinking of cutting myself and killing myself, but I was always too weak to do it, who knows maybe that is a good thing... This is when I stopped even trying in school, I stopped doing work my grades dropped and I no longer had any strength to try to get help, after everyone I came to pushed me away it was like they didn't understand.

I started telling myself things like "No one understands you." "You're all alone in this world." "We're born alone and we'll die alone." That is really all I remember telling myself, overall at this point in my life I remember holding a knife up to my neck from time to time, and my arms from time to time.

I was also and something to help me pay attention in class my mother said that is why my grades dropped but I was trying to tell her I didn't need it, deep down inside I knew it was depression, something I wanted so badly to go away, yet it was something I wanted to hold onto even to this day it is hard to explain, really.

Now it is time to get back to my father.... at the time of middle school he was trying to get back in my life after leaving my mother before I was born, I still hold hate for my father for doing that even to this day, I wanted him dead really for leaving her I know it sounds bad on paper...but...I was a teen and he did leave her, I don't want him dead anymore, a part of me still hates him really but I just don't care anymore at some point I just stopped caring.

I don't even remember what I was like before depression but back on the topic on my father, he was trying to make me do after school sports like the wrestling, even if I didn't want to do it, a lot of the time, I didn't even try doing that.

My father was pretty hard on me really but that didn't help my depression that stressed me out more, but for whatever reason I just couldn't cry I was never able to really, all he did was make me hate my life more really.

Feel free to laugh at this next part coming up, I still find it funny to this day, around this time I started getting into 'black magic' thinking it was real, I was also getting into the slenderman around this time in my life thinking I was a proxy, it is still funny to look back at those times even today.

I started really thinking I was a proxy for him at this point I guess you could say I placido effected myself.

As of late I have been still feeling depressed really, that everything is hopeless, that nothing matters, I don't even know why I'm doing this, maybe as some vain attempt to make myself feel better.... As of now I don't really see anything that matters, I try not to really talk to many people anymore I made this account a long time ago to try to talk it out but I didn't have the strength but I'm fixing this now, thank you to everyone who has taken their time to read this, I'll see if this gets me feeling any better, have a nice day.

hello, and welcome to the forum

i am glad you were able to share your thoughts with us.. i hope it helped you feel better on the inside?

we're here when ever you need to vent

[little turtle]

hi zd...thanks for sharing openly...what do you think is troubling you...

[zd101604]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

hello, and welcome to the forum

i am glad you were able to share your thoughts with us.. i hope it helped you feel better on the inside?

we're here when ever you need to vent

Hello, thanks for the reply, opening up did help me a little bit, I'm glad I did, open up and say all of this, it feels great to not have all that held inside, I wished I would of done this before.

Originally Posted by little turtle

hi zd...thanks for sharing openly...what do you think is troubling you...

As for what is troubling me, I don't really have an idea, it could be many things from what I understand, I could only be depressed thanks to my genetics, my brain chemistry could just be unbalanced, but I don't really think I have anything troubling me.

[little turtle]

As for what is troubling me, I don't really have an idea, it could be many things from what I understand, I could only be depressed thanks to my genetics, my brain chemistry could just be unbalanced, but I don't really think I have anything troubling me.[/QUOTE]

have you been checked out by your family doctor for some physical problem..

[Fuzzybear]

[zd101604]

Originally Posted by little turtle

As for what is troubling me, I don't really have an idea, it could be many things from what I understand, I could only be depressed thanks to my genetics, my brain chemistry could just be unbalanced, but I don't really think I have anything troubling me.

have you been checked out by your family doctor for some physical problem..[/QUOTE]

Well I don't really like going to the doctor, I never have really, I don't trust doctors really, never have but maybe I should try, I really don't know I may go to the doctor, but I don't really think I should trust them.