[Humpty Dumpty]

I have suffered with depression for a very long time. It comes and it goes. I don't know why I'm depressed but I'm tired of being depressed. I just want to die. Right now I'm too much of a coward to kill myself. I just wish something would happen & I die tonight. I'm tired of fighting this crap. When people ask me how's it going? I just want to scream and say I want to die. How the hell do you think I'm doing? but I always end up saying I'm fine. I just want people to leave me alone. I'm tired of being a burden to my wife. No matter how hard I try I can't convince her to go find someone better. I don't have it in me to be a jerk to her in order to drive her away.

[Raindropvampire]

I'm so sorry you are hurting so bad right now. I just came out of a major depressive episode myself. For me it took finding the right med to balance my mania and depression. Have you spoken to your doctor to see if there is anything you can try that might give you some relief?

[ramonajones]

Originally Posted by Humpty Dumpty

I have suffered with depression for a very long time. It comes and it goes. I don't know why I'm depressed but I'm tired of being depressed. I just want to die. Right now I'm too much of a coward to kill myself. I just wish something would happen & I die tonight. I'm tired of fighting this crap. When people ask me how's it going? I just want to scream and say I want to die. How the hell do you think I'm doing? but I always end up saying I'm fine. I just want people to leave me alone. I'm tired of being a burden to my wife. No matter how hard I try I can't convince her to go find someone better. I don't have it in me to be a jerk to her in order to drive her away.

Oh man, I'm so sorry it's that bad. Just so incredibly painful. You did mention that it comes and it goes. Fingers crossed that it "goes" ASAP.

[Humpty Dumpty]

Originally Posted by Raindropvampire

I'm so sorry you are hurting so bad right now. I just came out of a major depressive episode myself. For me it took finding the right med to balance my mania and depression. Have you spoken to your doctor to see if there is anything you can try that might give you some relief?

I don't have a doctor and am on no medication. I have a very hard time trusting doctors after I've had 2 breach my confidentiality & a 3rd lock me up because "they knew what was best for me". Then while I was locked up a 4th doctor was very condescending and threatened to have me committed to a State facility if I did not allow them to talk a family member. Thus forcing me to allow them to breach my confidentiality. So yeah I don't trust doctors.

Originally Posted by ramonajones

Oh man, I'm so sorry it's that bad. Just so incredibly painful. You did mention that it comes and it goes. Fingers crossed that it "goes" ASAP.

Yes it comes and goes. As of late, as in the past couple of years, it goes away for a few days and comes again for at least a week.

[ruesia]

Originally Posted by Humpty Dumpty

I don't have a doctor and am on no medication. I have a very hard time trusting doctors after I've had 2 breach my confidentiality & a 3rd lock me up because "they knew what was best for me". Then while I was locked up a 4th doctor was very condescending and threatened to have me committed to a State facility if I did not allow them to talk a family member. Thus forcing me to allow them to breach my confidentiality. So yeah I don't trust doctors.


Yes it comes and goes. As of late, as in the past couple of years, it goes away for a few days and comes again for at least a week.

So sorry to hear about your current circumstances. It can be incredibly hard to trust, especially doctors. I can completely relate to your exhaustion. I myself am feeling very much the same way. Exhausted. I think to myself "If I were to just go to sleep and not wake up, then I would be so relieved".

I hope that you know that there are those you can trust -- and not all doctors are the same. I know that it is incredibly draining to keep putting yourself out there and getting shut down but you are still here, you are still breathing, and WE care about you.

Are there any things you like to do? Anything that makes it a little more bearable? For me, that is my horses. When I am with them, I forget about the pains of the living and just immerse myself in their company. That is really what keeps me going. Some days, I say "Why? They don't need me and I don't need them I am still so exhausted" but then I walk out to their pasture and rest my head on their shoulder and I gain a little bit more strength and a little bit more comfort.

I have just recently agreed to start seeing a therapist again. I too shared the fear that if I am brutally honest they will commit me to a psych hospital again. Its like--- in order to get better I have to be honest, COMPLETELY honest, but there is this knee-jerk reaction to just throw someone on a psych hold the minute they mention anything related to self-harm or ideation. I get it--- they are trying to protect us. But, for once I'd like to be able to talk to someone and just have them hear me out and not TUNE me out. Yknow?

Anyway, I am glad you are here. I hope that you have something to keep you going through those tough days. Maybe it can be this forum? Sometimes, the best medicine is just accepting the abnormal and saying "Yes I feel awful but that is me and who I am and I may always feel this way but I hope I don't and there are still good days".

*hugs*

[Fuzzybear]