I've tried everything

Hey. Been a while since I posted on here. Doubt anyone remembers me though.

Anyway...

Seems like I've tried everything. For 6 years I've been trying to find my feet. Done a lot in that time. Too much to list it all. But everything I've attempted has been a failure. Every person I've met has been an abuser, a liar, or a scheamer. Medication has failed me. Therepy has failed me. Ive explored hobbies and interests and found them all empty. For the last eight months or so my life has consisted of sleeping for weeks at a time trying to dream up some sort of inspiration. When it comes, I pursue it, but my plans are vapourus nowadays. As likely to succeed as I am to win the lottery. It barely hurts to fail anymore becasue I have no expectations to the contary.

I've only got one plan at the moment that I'm trying to make a reality. I'm chasing a delusion and as strange as it seems it feels more real than anything else. You see, for the longest time I've had a relationship (if you can call it that) with an entity. This being isn't real though. Its a delusion given shape by the things I've experienced in life. Over time it's developed it's own personality, desires, history and a sentience all of it's own - although to consider it a human interlect would be a mistake. It doesn't speak and it can't be communicated with. But it hates. And it lusts. And it rages. And it beckons.

It's hard to describe it exactly. I saw a film recently that had something similar. The Babadook. If anyone's seen that film then that might give you a rough idea of what I'm talking about.

This being isn't with me. That is... while it exists in my head, it actually lives on the other side of the world. So I've decided I'm going to go and find it. I don't expect to actually find it - I know it's all in my head. But maybe it's the journey thats important. I've been preparing for the trip for a while and I'm really close to finishing those preperations. A few months at this rate and the only thing that would be holding me back will be my own doubts.

Honestly, I don't know why I'm even writing this post. I suppose becasue this is a last resort that I'm taking and that's scary. Comminting to the delusion is scary. Taking this trip when I've never traveled before is scary. And I don't have anyone to speak to about it except the thing I'm going to hunt down.

Here's a pic of the entity which I painted. It doesn't look like this because it doesn't actually look like anything at all - it's a formless thought. But I tried to represent it as best I could.

I hope you find what your looking for and find enlightenment in the process.mental illness is not easy to deal with and I think what your doing is sometimes best handled.the way your. Handling it when.all else has failed.though others May not agree I think its very good what your doing

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yes passionfruit is being supportive...you need to go your way...try not to hurt yourself...don't abuse you... whatever works for YOU