[Crook32]

I just saw my T today and admitted that my suicidal thoughts were present and in a way scared me a little more. Before when I had thoughts I knew I would never follow through with it because I was always to scared to do it. But now I am more comfortable with the idea and not really scared so I think the chances of me actually doing something are higher. She said if it continues we will have to talk about a higher level of care again. I told her I wasn't going in the hospital again but she said she really did not want to have to emergency petition me. So I need to check in with her with emails until I see her again Friday. I also see my pdoc Friday. I have just been feeling very disconnected from my family and they were always the one thing that kept me safe. I admitted to my T that I was counting pills again and she wants me to give them to someone else to hold on to. I am also having urges to cut again but I didn't tell her that. The bad thing is my T will be on vacation next week. She will probably want me to see one of her colleagues like I have before.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Crook32: I'm sorry you are struggling with these difficult thoughts. I've been there a few times. And I do believe that the longer one struggles with suicidal ideation, the easier it becomes to think that perhaps it might actually be doable.

I've said to a few people, in the past, that I've been to the edge enough times it no longer scares me. I can talk about it in the same way a person might talk about going to the movies. So, if you seem to be moving in that direction, then I think the concern the mental health professionals in your life are voicing is appropriate. Please do not hesitate to reach out in real life for the help you need. The Skeezyks sends warm hugs with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace within...

[Unrigged64072835]

At least your T is concerned and monitoring you. She's trying to keep you safe. That is a good thing. (((Hugs)))

[hopeless2015]

Hugs, so glad you opened up to your t

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[Crook32]

I think I really screwed things up. I emailed my T and told her that maybe I should not come in and see her anymore.

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It is very understandable to feel the way you do about possible hospitalization and I am sure your T will view that email as a response to that anxiety.

Hopefully when you see your T on Friday you can talk through this a bit more.

Hang in there

[leroysavoy]

Hello Crook32, I am sorry to hear you are having suicidal thoughts. The next time you have thoughts of suicide, notice the thought but do not indulge in it. The minute you indulge in it, you start ruminating.

It is a good idea to check in with her. Even though you may feel disconnected to your family, maybe instead of connecting to the whole family maybe try to reach out to just one family member.

If you still disconnected from your family, you always have this forum. This forum is like a second family that provides enough support to make you feel safe that everything is going to be okay

[Crook32]

I was talking to a friend that I met in PHP. She used to be really helpful but not this time. Instead of trying to help me stay safe she was tempting me to do it and even offered extra pills if I needed them. It just crushed me. She was the one support person I could talk openly with now I have nothing.

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[Fuzzybear]

You have us.

[NSNW1218]

God I can relate to so much of this. Just want to end it and be at peace. I sometimes think of storing up my pills and taking the all at once in a place no one would look for me