[APPhD]

My depression started in my first year of college. It hit suddenly during the first week of classes. I thought it was an adjustment phase- mostly from losing touch with some of my friends from high school and adjusting to more of an adult-type life. It was pretty persistent sadness though some days were better than others. I don’t really know when things started to get better. I’d say around my junior year when things were okay, not great, but okay. I powered through college, a master’s program, and 2 years of a doctorate program until things hit real rock bottom. I lost total interest in work, had serious thoughts of not continuing the program. That was kind of a thing throughout this whole process. I would make drastic changes in hope that they would bring me closer to the light at the end of the tunnel. I’d break up with girlfriends, leave school and drive around, go into work late and leave early.

During that second year of graduate school I met my now wife. Things were looking up though I had a lot of bad days. But slowly, over the course of a few years, things improved. I got on track with work, got married, finished grad school, and started “real adulthood”. We had a kid- super fun awesome little dude. I was cruising- happy, like for real never been happier happy.

I switched jobs in 2014 and the first year and half were great. I pull a lot of work though and am constantly connected. In the early part of 2016, I had a health scare and ended up in the ER. Nothing wrong but I was terrified of dying. That kind of morphed into this general feeling of death. It was another sudden dark phase- a few solid weeks of bleakness before slowly pulling out. I slowly came back and was probably 80% back to me. But I can’t shake the feelings of what happens if I’m not there. What does that even mean? I have no desire to not live anymore. But I can’t stop thinking about these health things that will beat me.

A few months later coming home from vacation, I started having chest pains again. Thought maybe a heart attack was coming but the rationale side of me thought no. Thought I saw a cancerous mole. Was feeling sad but thought it was the post-vacation blues. Then a few days later another sudden boom of sadness. After two days I couldn’t take it anymore and was tired of feeling this way. I went to my primary care doc where the NP prescribed 5mg of Lexapro (generic). I’m scheduled for a counseling appointment in a few weeks.

I’ve been on the meds for about 12 days now. Some days are pretty good. Some days are pretty bad. I feel like I have a few good days, then a few bad days, then a good day. I know it’s too early for full effect of the medicine yet but it’s hard not to get discouraged. The past two days have been pretty bad in terms of my sadness. It’s all triggered by memories- fun memories mostly involving my little dude. Looking a pictures of us and him makes me almost cry. I have no idea why.

That’s where I’m at today. I know things get can get better and will. But it’s a hard road- how do we get over these days?

Anyone have any similar experiences? Thanks and sorry for the long post!

[Skeezyks]

Hello APPPhd: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

With regard to your post, I will simply mention that, when I've been on antidepressants in the past, they never stopped me from having some days that were okay & other days where I was still very tired & sad. About all they did for me was to keep me from sinking so low that I would begin thinking about ending it all. Beyond that, I still had to do the work of keeping myself on an even keel from one day to the next.

So, from my perspective, to imagine that a medication is going to eliminate one's sadness / depression is not realistic, regardless of how long one has been on the med. All the medication does is to keep you from sinking down too far into the abyss. And, for the little bit of benefit this provides, you get... side-effects. This is, in part, why I no longer take them. But this is just my personal experience...

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[dexter]

Hello APPhD I agree with Skeezyks a lot. In my view, therapy/working at it/coping skills are the only way through depression (although I shouldn't commit to the word "only") but sometimes, for some people, if the brain has a chemical imbalance no amount of therapy will get you out of it because the key source is chemical. For those people medication is necessary to help even out the chemicals... This does not make us "happy" or "fine" all they do in my opinion is remove the roadblock that keeps therapy and coping skills from working. Once the medicine helps, therapy then can help us up out of the depressive state.

I would highly recommend therapy if you aren't in anything now. It can help you now and is a core component along with medication IMO.

Also medications like Lexipro take about 6 to 8 weeks until an effective level builds up in your system before you can determine if they are helping. I've seen that primary care doctors don't always explain this when prescribing antidepressants. Please give it some appropriate time to work... It is a difficult aspect of this illness that patience is required with the medications. I don't think 12 days is enough time to see if it is a good medication for you.

Good luck and I hope you find some relief.