[Nether1]

Hello, "Happy" World Suicide Prevention Day. This might be a bit long so if you want to answer my question you may go ahead and skip to the end. Thank you!
I dont know where to start. I'm not seeking any attention or sympathy. Pardon my grammar and mistakes in my writing. I dont want to be play the victim card, I just want to forget.
I'm a 19 year old male living in Jamaica, people say that I'm still very young but I havent achieved anything worthy of respect or done anything extraordinary to reach where I am. I dont know what I want out of life and I fear that time is running out on me. I live with my mother, grandmother and 5 of 6 siblings. Usually seen as the quiet and smart one, which beneath the surface isnt the case.
I write this in the hope of someone helping me or giving me insight on how to just forget everything.
I'm a worthless, ungrateful, unforgiving , lazy,possibly racist, abuser and hypocrite. I dont know how to put things into words so maybe I'm not bringing myself across correctly.
I was recently informally diagnosed with MDD and OCD by a psychiatric consultant. I had been seeing a psychiatrist since July though we only had two sessions thus far. I barely remember things from our sessions but I didnt really feel as if I was important to her. She placed me on a low dosage of risperidone. I went to the hospital two weeks ago because my symptoms got really bad.
I started waking up in the early hours of the morning shaking and with cold sweat. There was an awful feeling in my stomach that just wouldnt go away and it kept me awake for hours before I was ready to leave for work. I work at a local college as a lab technician, math and science department, a position I'm not even fully qualified for. While so many persons have to struggle to get jobs even with their qualifications I got one without really trying, even though I didnt want to be viewed as a functioning member of society because I dont like what society has become. Most persons my age are probably interested in completing their bachelors degree but I dont know what I want and probably have no interest in becoming anything.
I'm not good at sports, I dont have any vocational skills so if I should lose my job I have nothing to fall back on. Reading and remembering have become a little difficult for me, and it seems I can't learn anything new. I’ve already wasted most of my salary on things I cant even account for. Unable to even remember what I did with about 250,000 which is equivalent to about 1900 USD. Understand this in a Jamaican context where crime is high and productivity is considerably low in a sense along with high unemployment. The minimum wage here is barely enough to survive on but people here are creative and somehow make ends meet.
Right now I dont know how I'm gonna make it, Im tired of putting on a mask everyday. Having a facade and hiding my possible ulterior motives. Talking to people isnt something that feels natural to me, many times instead of spoken words I use hand gestures to get my point across. Instead of saying hello just show the peace sign with my hands, though this might seem rude or informal.
Constantly feeling down and useless and having to pretend everyday, being asked how I am , or if Im okay is something Im annoyed at since people wont understand or if I tell them the truth the way they see me will change.
Arguably I have a lot of people who believe I can become something. From past teachers, ministers, community members, friends (though little) and relatives. But no one truly knows how I feel and when people learn the truth about me they'll start treating me like I'm a disease. And what's worse is the look I get from others. The stare that I'm different or completely abnormal.
I guess my three main problems are religion, relationships and education.
As I've said I dont know what I want and my thoughts have been getting worse. When I went to the hospital I was admitted and placed in observations because doctors were overreacting that I might kill myself or hurt others when all I asked for was for some medication to help me to forget. I dont think thats reason enough to hold someone against their will. It felt awful there, there was not space on the wards so I had to stay at accident and emergency on a stretcher as a makeshift bed. When the doctors spoke to me I told them I had no intentions of staying here and that I'd walk right out the main gate but I was restrained to the bed, immobile. It felt dehumanizing and certainly not the sort of treatment I thought mentally "ill" persons should be subject to.
I got moved to the male ward and was placed with who I'd term the crazies. I felt so uncomfortable, I was barely able to sleep well even after getting medications. I spoke to the consultant and was released last Sunday with medications and a form to follow up with at the clinic. I havent felt normal since that experience, I guess I havent felt normal in years.
Even though being just 19, I've done a lot of things that I'm not proud of, arguably immoral and things not befitting of me. Persons call me genius, which I hate because Im not nearly smart enough or worthy of such a title because they dont know what it's like being me.
My thoughts have gotten bad to the point where I want nothing good for others even though I havent been doing anything to improve myself. This hate towards others and self loathing is starting to become real bothersome.
I dont want to be hated but I automatically have something bad to say about others. If people could read minds I know I'd be the least favorable person to come in contact with.
It sometimes feels like I'm two different persons. Constantly feeling like I'm gonna die, or that something bad will happen to the people I know are feelings I struggle with everyday. From sensations of depersonalization to worrisome and intrusive thoughts. I havent taken my medication since two days now because I feel like theyre not working. Although the doctos say its a two way process, I work with them and they work with me to see whats best. Currently on fluoxetine and risperidone which only makes me feel tired. Guess thats probably what I need, some sleep.
I dont know if I believe in God. I just dont feel anything, nothing when I pray, and I dont really feel anything when I go to church. I've seen people getting emotional over something as simple as praying but I feel horrible because I cant experience what they experience. Maybe its because I'm really a bad person or my sins arent great enough, or I havent publicly received condemnations for my past actions. Maybe religion is just something people use to keep them from not going insane that life has no point. But if God doesnt exist then truely there's no reason to exist. Everything would be without cause, whether you're rich ,poor, black, white, none of it matters. Nothing will matter if and when I die. Having to come to terms with the fact that I will die makes me wish that I hadnt been born.
I didnt go to church today because Im getting tired of feeling like a hyprocrite, I'm supposed to be the good guy but I've failed to be just that. I've failed my friends , though I don’t have many and I’m not sure who would still consider me their friend since according to them I push them away. I’ve also failed my family even though they cant see the fraud that I am. Also I'm an acolyte, dressing up in white as if I'm some holy or pure figure when in reality I'm just a filthy person.

There's also a girl I like but because of insecurity and fears I push her away. She's incredibly beautiful and talented though she doesnt give herself enough credit. I feel like Im not good enough and that its only a matter of time before someone better comes along and swoops her away. I dont want to lose her but I dont deserve her either. Because of this fear its a little uncomfortable talking to her knowing whats gonna happen. She's been through a lot and I fear theres even more misfortunes coming her way. I've hurt her and she still continues to talk to me. Kinda-ish. I just want to forget about it.
I'm no one special and I havent suffered enough as most people would but its a constant battle everyday with myself.
Wont bore you with the details so I’ll shorten this
I dont want to die but honestly I cant continue living like this. Not suicidal but don’t see much point in life. Trapped in the darkness. Theres no light, no hope for what could be viewed as trivial circumstances but for me its hard.
I dont think highly of myself or when I do its to make others feel small though I'm usually the inferior one.
Might as well not go overboard with this.
Sorry for not being concise enough and jumbled. Even now I’m unable to properly express myself.
Someone’s been kinda helping me by getting me to talk more, but that person I feel has abandoned me now even though she has a lot of other obligations to attend to so I cant even blame her. And she too has been through so much it's amazing that she's still able to put on a smile everyday even though she constantly has a sad expression on her face. I try to push her away because I know I don't deserve her help though I'm desperate for some change.
I don’t think talking about will do much help. I've been told that I shouldn't try and forget.
This week marks the start of the new semester, new people, new experiences and I really don’t think Im gonna last through it. On the surface I may appear to be quite sane and intact. But I fear I might be on the brink of a breakdown.
I’m not even sure how to phrase this properly-
Is there a safe and legal and inexpensive way to help me forget things, lets say the last 3 years?
Or do you have any suggestions to help ease my frustration?
As long as I have these feelings and thoughts I will never be okay

[Skeezyks]

Hello Nether1: I see this is your introductory post. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

With regard to your particular question. No... there's nothing I know of that will make you forget. Believe me... if there were... dozens of us here on PC would be flocking toward it! I did read through your entire post. You clearly have a lot going on. From what you wrote, it sounds as though you're probably struggling with some serious depression as well as anxiety & possibly some other things as well.

We here on PC cannot diagnose you. So, in order to get a clear picture of what is going on, you have to continue to work with your mental health care providers. One thing to consider is that it can take a while for med's to begin to have a positive effect. And you do have to take them consistently. Also, it can take a few tries to find the ones that are going to work the best for you.

I recall that you wrote you didn't think talking would help. But it can. Here again, though, you have to find a therapist you feel comfortable with & then work with that individual over a period of time. It's a process. Sometimes though, in lieu of working with a skilled therapist, writing about what's going on with you can help too. So continuing to post here on PC may help you to sort things out as well.

By the way, since you're nineteen, are you familiar with California therapist Kati Morton? Kati uploads mental health related videos onto her YouTube channel. She's also on Facebook, Twitter, & other social media websites. Kati's young, full of energy, & very knowledgeable. I think you might benefit from watching her videos. (She also sometimes answers viewers' questions. I highly recommend Kati's YouTube channel to you.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Dear Nether1,
You REALLY expressed yourself quite well. There are so many things your posting discusses.
Some of your concerns like feeling worthless, not good enough for that beautiful girl, trapped in darkness, etc. sound like depression talking. And your posting conveys that there are many, many things that you worry about which sounds extreme anxiety. You seem to feel like you are not that intelligent but your post does not strike me that way. I think that sometimes intelligent people can make themselves anxious because they sort of "overthink" things. (obviously, this is an opinion)
You say you havent taken my medication since two days now because they're not working. That's your right but you may want to try other medications.
Sincerely, Myst

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry you feel like this

[Nether1]

Thanks for the replies so far. I'll try