Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

Thanks. I'm starting to look more into medical issues that could be interacting. It's frustrating, but I'm trying to be proactive. No matter how irrational I let my thoughts get.

I have been feeling alright lately. I tend to feel pretty good just before Christmas. I feel better before Christmas than on Christmas Day. My friend says that he will come over to see me tomorrow morning. I hope so. He has not been to my place in a while. I like it better when he comes to see me that to go to his place.

I had a family gathering today, I ended up feeling distant from everyone though, like I couldn't relate to anyone.

Pros: Rogue One is Awesome and all Star Wars fans should go see it. I also just recieved $250 that I had no idea I would, which was neat.

Cons: So I have an incredibly suicidal friend who has talked to me about their mental issues relatively frequently in the last month and I can no longer handle it. My psychologist thinks I should cut them off for my own mental health. This would be difficult to do and I worry about guilt. I've also "gotten used" to the medication Ive been experimenting with and am not sure it's helping anymore.

The past few days have made me very concerned. I had two seizure like episodes within 24 hours, the last one was about 24 hours ago. I have no idea what triggered them or if it'll happen again. It was a horrible experience. I'm still very scared but there isn't anything I can do. I went to the ER for both attacks and they couldn't do much. I can't get in to see a neurologist until the middle of January so I just have to tough it out until then.

Feeling anxious this morning. Can't seem to sit still but can't seem to do anything either. I'm miserable with depression mixed in.

My mom's going to visit me on Monday...It's a good thing family visits happen 3 times a year at the most. It always ends up being one of those awkward moments when we have nothing to talk about due to not having much in common besides genes.

Today did not go as well as I hoped. My friend did come over. I got my housecleaning done and then he arrived. It was alright and then he came with me to get gas and then go shopping. He was going to get off when I get gas to get the bus there to go home. On the way to the gas station he was telling me that it's unwise for me to go out of my way to that particular gas station. Well, that station happens to be the lowest price around and it's near where I go shopping and to the bank that I needed to go to. I don't know why he had to bring that up. I told him that I didn't appreciate his comments. He has been very critical like that before. After I dropped him off I felt very upset.

And then I went shopping and the store didn't have a couple of items that I wanted. After that I went to pick up a couple of items at CVS. I had the 30% coupon with me. I had printed it out from when I got it by email. It turned out that I had cut off the barcode, so the coupon was not good. Here I am trying to save every dollar and this happens! In fact, that's why my friend and I were arguing about. So I lost out on saving about $3.50!

signed up for a mental health forum today specifically to post in the depression. I would say its a bad day.

I'm still doing well. A friend is latching on to me in a way I have to be careful of. I am sorry for her that she is alone. She has expressed emotional neediness to me. Last week I took her out for dinner and spent some time with her. She is trying to get back to us spending time every weekend together.

I have limited time. I am caretaking my significant other, who is extremely dependent on me. I find joy in my relationship with him, even though it is a lot of work. We love each other.

I value her friendship, also. I have to be careful I don't get over-extended. She is inclined to be a taker. That's okay. I accept her as she is, and she accepts me with my faults. But I have to strike a balance between nurturing our friendship and letting myself get drained by her.

I honestly feel like i've passed over to the afterlife

like i'm not really here, but i'm looking down on the previous life watching it go by

6 days until christmas and I feel like it's suddenly months away

Numb and exhausted, and mildly anxious today.

Not doing great today. I'm just messing up left and right.

Can't get motivated today.

I have been depressed today. Well . . . a good interval can't last indefinitely. This was bound to happen.

I just have to make this down turn last as short a time as I can. If I could get up early tomorrow and get going, that would help. But I am having an awful hard time falling asleep at a reasonable hour.

At Walmart's this evening they weren't playing any Christmas music. It made me feel sad. I tried just singing to myself, but couldn't get into it.

When I feel nice and "up," I sing to myself a lot. It's one way I know I'm in a real good state of mind.

feeling a little better today than I did yesterday.

at least i'm not watching from the sidelines

it was a sort of scary experience thinking i'd died and gone to the afterlife, and it's the first time i've actually felt like that. it was horrible

i need to stay off toxic facebook. when did friends and family become such alt right political people. it is breaking my heart.
i think i need to change settings to only see positive things that have nothing to do with politics.
i would delete it again but then i would have to give up the games which i actually do enjoy.
ugh.

I have a hard day to cope with today.

i'm just so glad I don't use it (or any of the social networks)

drama, that's what it is

I got out of the hospital yesterday afternoon. I was admitted on Saturday night and they had to run a lot of tests to make sure I wasn't having seizures, which luckily I wasn't. I apparently have been having something called hemiplegic migraines. I'm glad it isn't anything more serious, but I'm still going to have to be careful. I was prescribed a new medication for it but they said it'll take some time to work. I'm glad to be home but still worried...

I have been feeling good to euphoric lately. Sometimes I wonder why. I tend to feel that way this time of year. But there are times I do have some lows. My friend called me tonight and he seemed a bit off tonight. There are times that he can depress me. And then another friend emailed me. I like him, but in his message to me he got talking a lot about having to get into Bible reading and how it makes his life great. I would agree with him but I think that he over does it, which makes me feel bad about myself.

feeling, "middle of the road"

good enough to be able to function, but not good enough to feel good (make sense?)

the highlight of my day (if I can call it a highligt), was actually having no memories of family today- and I have had really bad 1's the past few days

I sort of have something to look forward too.. tonight on commedy central is the christmas special of drunk histories- if I can survive that long in a sort of good state, I might watch it

Exhausted even though I slept from eleven at night to two in the afternoon. I just want to go back to sleep and hide away from it all.

I don't feel well. Hope to be able to make a plan for the next days after I have had some food. Good at least that I feel hungry!

Totally aggravated with these chronic migraines. Don't want to be in pain on Christmas. Very hard to have any hope at all.