[SeptemberMorn]

You two have been heavy on my mind the last few days. I've been reading your posts and staying up with what's been going on with the two of you. Something that has stood out to me is your faith and a hymn popped into my mind; "His Eye is on the Sparrow." That lead to a story my mother once told me.

She had a young man coming to visit her. The man was a man of God but I'm unsure whether he was ordained or not. He knew his Bible pretty good (but not well enough, I thought). He was unemployed and had a wife and family. He depended on "offerings" the people he visited would give him.

My mother asked him once why he didn't get a job to help support his family. His answer was, "God will provide." I'm not sure if my mom told him what she told me, but what I got was "Yes, God provides, but He doesn't spoon feed us. He makes what we need available to us. It's up to us to get out there and get what we need."

Today, as I waited in the car for my husband to run an errand, I saw a family if sparrows. The parents were teaching them to find food for themselves. There were two babies pecking away at a large piece of bread and there were two babies still hanging on to the fence. Daddy Sparrow would fly down to the bread, eat for himself and then peck some bread to take back to the laggers. He'd feed them when they'd open their mouth and then fly back to the bread. He made a couple of trips, fed his babies, but on one trip to the bread, he stayed. He'd call to the laggers and eventually, they flew down to the bread and hesitatingly, got a few pecks out of it.

He had been teaching his babies how to fend for themselves, how to take care of themselves on their own. I know that my own mother didn't prepare me for life. She did a very poor job of it so I haven't always done well by myself. At first, I learned some coping mechanisms that were pretty rough and primitive. When I realized they weren't working as well as I wanted them to, I got myself to therapy and learned new coping skills. I "pecked" at a few therapists before I found one that suited my needs and she "mothered" me through. She was the one that diagnosed me with Depression and sent me to a psychiatrist to have an anti-depressive prescribed. Prozac worked wonders for a few years, but like any other med, it stopped working. I've had to try quite a few to find one that would work for me. MOST of them increase my blood presure and make my palpitations worse. I've been on more meds than I care to remember, but I finally found one! Someone finally invented one that would suit my needs!

Today, I went to the doctor to have him check me out to see if the new blood pressure med was working. It wasn't. No wonder I've been feeling like crap lately! He increased it and also put me on another med to take care of the Anxiety.

I could have gone on forever condeming myself and my family of origin for passing this illness down to me. But that WAS THEIR PROBLEM. I have problems of my own that I need to take care of on my own. At 60, I don't have parents to take care of me anymore. Not that they would if they were still here! Not that I would allow them to. I'm an adult now. I need to take care of myself. God has "provided" that help, but He didn't "bring" it to me.

I hope that when you read this, you understand that it's meant in all the best ways possible and I've taken the time because I care and because I know there is hope for everyone. I've been where you two are emotionally. Hamstergirl, I can only imagine what it's like to live in constant physical pain. But I know there's help out there for that, too. It just takes time and effort. Yes, I know how almost seemingly impossible than can seem, but it's worth it! YOU are worth it! God has a purpose for you and it's not suffering in agony all the days of your life. I don't know what that purpose is. It's up to you to listen to His voice, to watch for open as well as closed doors and follow...

You are both in my prayers.






<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[Taonuviel]

I don't know how to respond. Thank you for thinking of me, too, and for your prayers. Today was an emotional trainwreak and I fear for the emptiness of tomorrow, but your post is encouraging - whether I can believe the optimism(truth/wisdom) of it or not, just that you made it.
I'm looking for that help, albeit perhaps half-heartedly at times, maybe I'll find it. I suppose a maybe is some hope. I started Lexapro today and will try counseling again if I can find a way to afford it, I'll be talking with my pastor about that Wednesday morning.
Thank you.

[dexter]

Gee I hope this isn't inappropriate but it reminds me of a joke...

There's a very heavy rainstorm, the local town creek overflows and everyone begins to evacuate. As the water in the street is rising, people take to boats because their cars are now underwater.

A man in a boat passes his neighbor's house and sees the neighbor in an upstairs window. He calls to the neighbor "Don't worry, I'll come get you, you can climb in my boat and I'll take you to safety!"

The man in the window refuses the help. "God will protect me" he says, and he waves the man away in the boat.

The rain continues and the man has to climb out of his window and onto his roof to stay above the level of the rising water. A coast guard boat comes by looking for people to rescue, sees the man, and heads to the house to save the man.

Once again, the old man refuses the help. "I will stay here with my house, God will not allow any harm to come to me." So the Coast Guard goes on it's way.

The water keeps rising, completely covers the house, and the man has to climb up and perch on his chimney to keep his head above water. A National Guard helicopter appears overhead, they spot the man, and throw down a rope ladder to save the man. Again, the man refuses the help. "I have faith in God, he will not let me die." So the helicopter flies away.

The rain keeps coming, the water rises above the chimney, over the man's head, and the man drowns. In Heaven, the man meets with God. The man is rather upset. "I prayed and prayed to you, and still you let me drown and die! Did you not hear my prayers?" And God said to him "I heard your prayers! That's why I sent you two boats and a helicopter!"

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

[SeptemberMorn]

I've read that story somewhere although I don't remember where. I didn't take it as a joke. Far from it. It's too ironic for that. Too many people that have faith act that way. Just too blind to see the blessings that are raining down on them.

Thanks for posting, Dave. I had that story on my mind, too, but I've tried re-telling it and goofed it all up.




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{Tao}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} It's all of those, optimisim, truth and wisdom. It's from the heart of one who has been where you are. Yes, "maybe" is hope. As hopeless as we feel sometimes, yet that little flame flickers in the deep resesses of our minds and souls.

You don't have to believe it all at once or make it a part of you completely. A journey begins with the first step... and continues with many more steps. Sometimes we need to stop and take stock of our journey and even stop and rest. Allow yourself to progress at your own speed, but <font color=red> never give up!</font color=red> We're all here to encourage you!




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[wisewoman]

I love the sparrow story. Seems like a fitting metaphor for all of us. Beautiful!

[SeptemberMorn]

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[darkeyes]

That was good, and adding a little laughter to threads never hurts, it allows to get "away" for a few minutes, a fun distraction.
Since my dad has passed on, it is his words of wisdom and his little spats (not heavy duty) that make me laugh during the days when I am in need of a spiritual or emotional "pick me up", doesn't make the pain go away but a little distraction or excursion is always a boost.
Some of his funny but negative remarks I can't share them all, but when my brothers and I were kids he use to say (when he would get annoyed with us) was, "what am I raising, 3 morons?".
Do you know a couple of years before he died he apologized to us for saying things that sunk our self esteem, at that point, I said to him, "daddy, that is in the past, no parent is perfect". I felt badly for him, cause as he said that he was crying, then he thanked me.
How could one not forgive a parent that really loved us, would do anything for us, worked 40 years in a sweat shop, and I mean "sweat shop", never went out, was always home right after work, he made sure the 3 of us had good food, clothes and people from my generation can relate to this, "good shoes", Like I said we can't be perfect all the time nor can we be always careful. Maybe my reply is not appropiate to some, but I am having a day of needing to talk as I recollect on times, good, bad and funny.
As time goes by I try to make myself take time to laugh by thinking of funny things, even sarcastic humour, even if I am laughing while alone.
Enjoy your day

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

[Rapunzel]

Very well-said, Tomi. It has been said that faith without works is dead. We need faith - but that doesn't mean that we don't have to do what we can also. And recognizing the answers to our faith can be really tricky. I had heard Dexter's story before too, and it makes an excellent point. We can't beg and choose! When we ask for help, help may be sent in the form of a person we see every day. We ourselves may be the means of providing help in answer to someone else's prayer. Yes, God could send down legions of angels to solve all of our problems for us. He has that capability. But then what would we learn and how would we grow?

<font color=orange>"Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."</font color=orange>

[SeptemberMorn]

Exactly, Wendy!! I knew you would understand what it was I was saying. Blessings/help often come in unexpected ways. It's up to us to recognize them. Sometimes we can get so caught up in the asking that we overlook the answers.

Thanks, Hun! I really appreciate your input! {{{{{{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[Rapunzel]

Any time, Tomi
{{{{{{{{{{{Tomi}}}}}}}}}}}}

Love,
Wendy

<font color=orange>"Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."</font color=orange>

[hamstergirl]

I'm back.

Thank you for the posts.

The way my illnesses are, even my faith in God has been affected by them. Twice in twenty-four hours, I've thought of giving up. I have severe depression and now I am hit with a disease that cause surges of suicidal ideation and it comes out in my writing. The disease makes me see rejection everywhere and I have a thin emotional skin.

I shouldn't say "Now I have it." It's always been there, for years undiagnosed. I would try to recover from depression and then watch as I systematically took apart my social supports:Friends, family, people who were trying to help me. I was systematically isolating myself and i had no idea why.

And now the big s-word has crossed my mind: Again and again and again. I've always loved my life, even under the worst of circumstances and now that opinion is wavering. The spectre of suicidal ideation keeps cropping up. I have to fight it from day to day and some times from hour to hour. It's gotten worse recently and it still puzzles me why I am doing it. My big brother said not to fight my depression, but to accept it as something as the way God made me.

Sorry, brother. If I don't fight off these urges, then where does that leave me? Secondly, this little package of illness didn't come from God. He allowed them to happen, but he didn't make me with a self-destruction switch. Partially it came from the way I was raised and the rest of it....just happened.

I am being hit with borderline personality disorder in all its' splendour and all its' horror...because I am under the worst possible stress imaginable...severe pain for the vast majority of my waking hours and the possibility of more surgery.

I don't need to have nightmares about Montreal. I'm having a nightmare now. It's called "My Life". And for me to say that the nightmare is not affecting me, or doesn't exist, is an outright fantasy, even a lie.

I have lost a noticable amount of weight, so much so that people around me are commenting on it. I can't sleep that well. I may look calm and composed to the average person, but inside I am blowing up angrily and thinking of suicide like anyone in my position would. It's coming out in my writing...and that's only the beginning.

I read in the hospital of how one borderline personality ended up in emergency every night and was the participant in multiple attempts on her life. Thankfully, my fear and hatred of the hospital has spared me trips to emergency, but I am flirting with suicide.

It's the most embarassing and dangerous part of being a borderline personality....and I want to sweep it under the carpet so no one will see it. I want to deal with that part on my own, so no one knows or will be hurt by my struggle. My father hid things too and he was the most troubled one in all of my family.

I'm even thinking of hiding these surges from my psychiatrist.....my psychiatrist, even though he fears what the hospitals will do to me worse than I do! (Hospitalization=nursing home. Yes indeed, they brought it up when I was hospitalized last week for this fun little package of illness: Would you like to enter a nursing home? Why bring up the question if you figure the answer is going to be a resounding "NO!"?

I am arranging to get the help I need, but it's a slow frustrating process, partially because I am reluctant to ask for help and partially because there are so many waiting lists!

I see a mental health nurse and a case manager from Community Care Access Centres tomorrow. My family doctor wants to see me on Monday and she wants me to bring all my medication with me. (That makes me a little paranoid...Now what? She knows about my hospitalization and why? I shouldn't be afraid of her, she's a nice doctor, has visited me in the hospital and even sends me home with samples of medication not covered on my drug card. She's a credit to her profession (and I don't have many good things to say about her profession). She's trying to help me, but still...

The wagons are pulling up in a semi-circle for a long siege. When I told a friend I was leaving, I told her not to tell Doug. I found out just now that she went and told him....

Which explains his actions this morning. I had another bout of suicidal thoughts and told him about it in an e-mail at 2 in the morning. It took a delivery by a medical supply store at 7 in the morning to jolt me out of it. (Oh, no! The hospital's come to get me!)

I explained a little more about borderline personality disorder in an e-mail I sent to him. He congratulates me for having shaken off the latest bout. Then in another e-mail, he asks me to write a story for his eight year old daughter.

Doug asks me to do crazy things. Like get involved with the church, when I'm in pain and isolating from people. Or volunteer work when I'm in the same position.

This has to be the nuttiest request yet. Hasn't he seen my writing lately? Haven't you all? I can't write for eight year old kids when I'm like this!?

I'm working on something for him nonetheless...even though my heart is telling me I can't do this.

I'm fighting this beast hard, it may not look like it, but I AM trying. I fight so hard because I figure I'll be abandoned if I dont....I've been fighting alone in the hospital all my life...without my parents. I don't expect help from any quarter, even if I ask for it.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[Peanut61]

Hi Hamstergirl: I think this is also a good site to visit when feeling suicidal. <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.suicidal.com>http://www.suicidal.com</A>

Regards, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>