[DechanDawa]

This is the truth...as of today...14 months navigating a severe depressive episode...I have become sick and tired of being depressed.

I feel like I just want to stop being depressed. Or just ignore it.

Is this a sign I might actually be coming out of this episode?

I don't feel any happier. I just feel utterly sick and tired of being depressed. It zaps me of all energy.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Dechan: Well... I don't know if just wanting to stop being depressed, or just ignoring it, could be a sign you're coming out of your 14 month episode. Maybe it's a start! What I can tell you is that I'm simply not giving myself a choice. I'm quite certain I could be seriously depressed if I allowed myself to do so. One of the reasons I force myself to keep going is that I'm scared of where the bottom might be if I ever allowed myself to sink.

Many years ago, my father used to say: "You're not required to like it. You're just required to do it." I guess there is a sense in which, for better or worse, that has become my motto. For me, there is no healing... no recovery. There's simply putting one foot in front of the other day-after-day. I don't know if everyone can do that. There have been times when I wondered how long I could keep it up. But I seem to be doing so. So I guess what I can say is, at least in my case, it seems to be possible to simply ignore depression & carry on. I don't feel happy as a result of doing so. I also feel sick & tired of the whole mess most of the time. And I think it also has sapped a lot of my energy. But that's just the way it is.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello Dechan: Well... I don't know if just wanting to stop being depressed, or just ignoring it, could be a sign you're coming out of your 14 month episode. Maybe it's a start! What I can tell you is that I'm simply not giving myself a choice. I'm quite certain I could be seriously depressed if I allowed myself to do so. One of the reasons I force myself to keep going is that I'm scared of where the bottom might be if I ever allowed myself to sink.

Many years ago, my father used to say: "You're not required to like it. You're just required to do it." I guess there is a sense in which, for better or worse, that has become my motto. For me, there is no healing... no recovery. There's simply putting one foot in front of the other day-after-day. I don't know if everyone can do that. There have been times when I wondered how long I could keep it up. But I seem to be doing so. So I guess what I can say is, at least in my case, it seems to be possible to simply ignore depression & carry on. I don't feel happy as a result of doing so. I also feel sick & tired of the whole mess most of the time. And I think it also has sapped a lot of my energy. But that's just the way it is.

The Skeez rocks!!!

Thank you for this very thoughtful reply, Skeez! I like your father's advice!

Today I emailed my doctor to request some thyroid tests. You know, they say it is good to address what might be underlying physical problems. I went to cheaper health care and don't really trust my primary care doctor adjusting my thyroid medication. But I don't have a choice. She is probably fine.

Some other members suggested really confront core problems, and I have started to do that.

I have cleaned up my diet, I don't smoke or drink, and now I am addressing life situations.

I don't mean ignore...as much as...maybe...manage. I feel I have worked hard to manage my anxiety/depression.

It is disappointing that depression doesn't just melt away when one does "all the right things." But so many people come on Psych Central because, in truth, it is tiring to live like this.

My heart goes out to all. Thanks, Skeez!

I agree about disappointment.

When I first accepted that I had depression and managed to reach out, I figured (in my complete naivete) that I would get better...like I had the flu.

No.
I am better, but I simply have accepted that I will never be the same as I used to be (it's a pretty recent acceptance...like a year or so).
I have a new baseline for normal...
Sometimes I am really angry about the unfairness of all of it and I have a good old pity party for myself.

The whole thing is very disheartening. And unjust. It's sad that I feel so defeated and feeling defeated certainly wears away at the will to fight it all....

I don't know if I have faith in anything anymore

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

I agree about disappointment.

When I first accepted that I had depression and managed to reach out, I figured (in my complete naivete) that I would get better...like I had the flu.

No.
I am better, but I simply have accepted that I will never be the same as I used to be (it's a pretty recent acceptance...like a year or so).
I have a new baseline for normal...
Sometimes I am really angry about the unfairness of all of it and I have a good old pity party for myself.

The whole thing is very disheartening. And unjust. It's sad that I feel so defeated and feeling defeated certainly wears away at the will to fight it all....

I don't know if I have faith in anything anymore

S! Good to hear from you. You expressed my situation exactly. I felt exactly as you described. I also thought if I just reached out...I would get help...and get better. Like getting over a cold or the flu. But instead...it has been a long and winding road.

I am not thinking of a "cure" or "recovery" anymore, but just management, and maybe some "benign neglect." I am now beginning to have some really scary problems with finances, living alone, the future being uncertain etc.

The truth is I no longer have the time or resources to be throwing all my attention at resolving this depression. I think I need to just learn to live with it.

It's a bitter pill. And I am surprised at how little help there is out there, or empathy. So, yeah, sometimes a good old pity party seems appropriate.

[little turtle]

dechan---I have found life very very very hard.....but I am still here with my depression...dealing with it every day....I have survived ...and I even thrived some..