My friend came to visit with me today. And since we had ample privacy at my place, we had some talks. Or I should say, for me to iron out how I am feeling. He had some critical things to say to and about me. It's stuff I've heard before, but I'm not crazy about hearing it.

He asked me, "how did the church (we were going to together) hurt me"? I thought that I explained it very clearly in the past as to why that church hurt me. The Pastor had told me, "people avoid me because they sense that I don't feel comfortable around people." Well I suppose there is some truth to it. I didn't feel comfortable being around the cliques and people being much older than me. My friend commented that, "the truth hurts, doesn't it?" My friend told me that he very much agreed with the Pastor.

But then I got to talking to my friend about himself criticizing me a lot; and that I don't care for it. My friend does not take criticisms about himself very well. See what I mean? My friend reminds me of my late father. My late father criticized a whole lot to me directly and about other people. I couldn't stand it. Also my friend is very corrective. He constantly tells me that I'm wrong for feeling the way I do about things; including my depression and anxiety.

As of now, he's the only friend I have; and trying to make new friends is difficult for me for various reasons. Though I've had great friends in the past who were not nearly as critical and corrective as he is. My friend is 80 years old and I am almost 60.

I realize that it's good to have some constructive criticisms once in a while. But I wonder if he's just going so far, that it could possibly become abuse or toxic? I'm rarely direct with being critical to others, especially a good friend that I like a lot. Maybe I do it and not realize it, but I feel like it's not in my nature to do so.

So I don't know if this is the right thing for me?

[Angelique67]

It's easier to criticize someone else, than our own self, for some. I don't think your friend is very sensitive at all about your feelings of not fitting in with his fellow church goers.

I'm not really ready to join the criticizers. I think they do it hoping you'll change. I doubt your friend wants to hurt you in anyway, but at the same time older people can get very stuck in their ways.

Have you tried to tell him the criticizing is hurtful?

[MickeyCheeky]

I agree with Angelique... I don't think he's being mean, he just wants to help you... but in the wrong way. I'm afraid that the only way is to tell him how you feel about this...

I'm sorry

[hopeless2015]

I'm so sorry...I know this has been weighing on you a lot lately. Hugs

Yes I have told him that his criticizing hurts me. I even have quoted some "sermons" I heard about that. He doesn't get it. I told him yesterday how I felt about it and he acted like a rock had just hit him.

I would agree that he's not being mean (at least I hope he's not) but it's hurtful to keep hearing. I feel like he's just trying to change and mold me into something that he would like to see in me. I've forgotten to mention that he has same sex attractions and it includes me. As far as being old is concerned, it's hard to change. So that can apply to me, too. But, it's never too late to change.

There were others at that church that were the same way. That's why with that and other things was the reason that I wanted to leave there. All of the other friends I've ever had were not like him in criticizing.

[Yours_Truly]

I understand how you feel... I've had friends that have criticized me. And yeah, it hurts, especially when it's the truth.
Maybe you could ask him to just listen & hear you rather than criticize or 'try to help' you if that's what he thinks he's doing.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by will19

Yes I have told him that his criticizing hurts me. I even have quoted some "sermons" I heard about that. He doesn't get it. I told him yesterday how I felt about it and he acted like a rock had just hit him.

I would agree that he's not being mean (at least I hope he's not) but it's hurtful to keep hearing. I feel like he's just trying to change and mold me into something that he would like to see in me. I've forgotten to mention that he has same sex attractions and it includes me. As far as being old is concerned, it's hard to change. So that can apply to me, too. But, it's never too late to change.

There were others at that church that were the same way. That's why with that and other things was the reason that I wanted to leave there. All of the other friends I've ever had were not like him in criticizing.

OK, so he has other bisexual friends at that church?

You are completely reasonable in wanting him to understand that his criticisms do more harm than good, or at least just aren't very helpful. What would his criticism sound like? What does he say?

Have you ever tried therapy? I don't mean you need it, but I think maybe that could be helpful in finding better or stronger or more sensitive ways to relate.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

OK, so he has other bisexual friends at that church?

You are completely reasonable in wanting him to understand that his criticisms do more harm than good, or at least just aren't very helpful. What would his criticism sound like? What does he say?

Have you ever tried therapy? I don't mean you need it, but I think maybe that could be helpful in finding better or stronger or more sensitive ways to relate.

What I meant about the others at the church were like him, I was talking about criticizing. I don't that that they are bi, but it could be possible.

It's hard to explain what his criticisms sound like. I would say it's mostly psychoanalysis. Things like I can't relate and talk to people very well. Well, I do have some social anxiety, but I don't think that I'm as bad as he makes me out to be. It's just been very hard for me to relate well with those people at that church. I don't have a problem that much at work. Lots of times when he rambles on, I don't listen to him. Because it all sounds the same. I wonder what he sees in me? There are times when I wonder if he might be having dementia. He has been acting very strange.

I have tried therapy before. It didn't help me that much. Maybe I just didn't line up the right person for me. But now, money is very tight.

[Angelique67]

Maybe he does have some dementia. I do, and I'm praying it's not going to get any worse. But I have almost no cognitive ability at all anymore.

Well, you say that you wonder what he sees in you? He's attracted to you. All good friendships have the law of attraction in play - just not necessarily sex attraction. You are attracted to him in a non sexual way (or if there is, that's really not unusual). But his criticism is affecting you in a bad-ish way.

I wish you could find another therapist who would be a lot better. But i know how difficult the money situation is.

How about if you asked your friend to pick out a book for you which covers the topics he thinks are most important for you to "hear"? You could maybe do the same for him (a Christmas project?) Start in the self help section of a huge bookstore. If you know of any novels which describe it, those can work too.

Many years ago, my wonderful former friend, who I very painfully drove away, and it hurts me everyday that I did that, gave me the book "A Home At The End Of The World" which hurt me in a lot of ways because of matching circumstances in my life. I loved my friend for recognizing that, and it was painful, but maybe helpful too. We did a lot of book sharing around ten years ago. I miss my friends so much. My fault they're gone.

So, maybe that's an idea for you. Choose a book that describes you in some way, to give to him, and ask him to do the same, choose a book to give you.
ETA: the book you give your friend could describe him too.

Here's another idea, give him a book you make, with your own thoughts in it. You can use some good paper, maybe decorative tacks, make it however you want. You could do a journal now, with a key thought in it for everyday, then copy it all to put in the book.

I dunno, I hope my suggestions make some sense.

[dexter]

Hello Will19.... Just my own opinion, someone saying that maybe people avoid you because they sense you are uncomfortable, to me, that falls into the category of constructive criticism. Maybe something you want to explore and change, maybe not.

But saying you are wrong for feeling the way you do... Under ANY context but ESPECIALLY under the context of depression and anxiety, is NOT constructive and can be very hurtful. It comes from someone who does not understand OR does not respect what we live with and if you've told him it is hurtful and he keeps doing it then it comes from someone who maybe does not WANT to understand or does not respect YOU to take the time to listen and learn.

I understand the difficulty in finding someone to talk to. Have you tried any depression support groups? I go regularly to DBSA meetings: Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. There you'll find groups of people who understand and can listen and offer advice. You can go and talk or go and just listen. They are nationwide if you are in the US. Some people make friends there too but there is no obligation to socialize or talk if you don't want to. Sometimes it is just good to find people who understand. There may be other good support groups in your area too. If the church isn't helping maybe an external support group for depression might be a better fit.