Vent: Being The Family Scapegoat Is Hard

I'm 46 years old, and still find myself displaying family/friend scapegoat patterns as an adult and it irritates me, because I can't unlearn these dysfunctional coping skills no matter how much therapy I do.

I hope some of you can relate and can share your insight if you successfully broke out of your scapegoat pattern and were able to rebrand yourself to the world as a happy, healthy person.

I found this quote about scapegoats online:

"The scapegoat doesn't get picked randomly or by accident. Usually, they are either sensitive, unhappy, vulnerable, ill, the outspoken child or family whistle blower. The scapegoat is the child who refuses to look content or to stay silent in the unbearable atmosphere created in their family home."

This post is a vent but I'm open to people sharing their insight from their own battle with being the family scapegoat.

That quote is absolutely brilliant. And sadly, true.

Being the scapegoat IS hard, and changing the way we do things (like patterns of behaviour) with family is a million times harder than that, for sure.

If therapy isn't helping, perhaps posting about it will help. Or maybe there are groups you could go to offline that might have people who understand?

I'm still the family scapegoat. When I was last in the hospital in April, my mom chastised me for upsetting a sibling who has a short fuse. And made me promise I'd never do it again. That was her/the priority over all the garbage I've been wading through.

But I'm lonely so I keep going back to them. I spent half my adult life in NYC just to get away from them lol. It wasn't/isnt easy.

ETA There's just so much more but I'd need a lot of time to even summarize it. Anyway, I think we scapegoats are the ones who eventually need therapists and meds because the family never really changes.

Brilliant quote (and so true )

I was my father's scapegoat. I left the family at 18 and had no contact with him until my mother died. Even then he was mean to me. It wasn't until our last conversation together that he told me he loved me, and I had said it first. Now with both parents gone I'm able to shake off the label for a while.

I was a people pleaser for many years. It served me well in the military and I got a lot of awards. It also made me a workaholic. Right now I'm over that and trying to cope with being on disability.

*Raises hand* - family scapegoat, here. I'm the one who calls extended family members on their *****. They keep telling me to shut up. I won't. I'm here to heal, to break sick cycles.

Just wanted to say- what did I do to upset my relative? I said what was happening to me. That's how little they think of me.

I know exactly how you feel. I have been the family scapegoat since age 5. What amplifies it, is being the outcast of shunned one. It bothers me still sometimes also. I actually quit talking to my mother and two brothers for about 6 years. Not sure if it will help you, but it did let them know I had grown weary pf the bs. We are all a bit closer now.

I identify with your story and agree that we, the scapegoats, are the ones who need therapy and medication to cope. I'm sixty-eight years old and my eighty-five year-old mother still bullies me. This has been her pattern since I was a young child. I think it energizes her. She cannot change. I have to limit my time with her because she can hurt me.

Yes, it is very hard or impossible for the family dynamics to change. It hurts so badly for the scapegoat that we are the ones desperate to change. I'm really sorry you have this position too.

I've found this too If people - family - are intent/fixated on projecting their flaws onto someone who does not own or deserve this... This dynamic will not change until the person/people own their own "personality"

It does hurt badly.... I regret that anyone has to endure this

This recently came up again for me. I rebelled at about the age of 13 after my parents did not want to respond to my emotional problems. Even now my mom talks about how I turned into a monster at that age and I'm not almost 49 years old. My brother is the golden child although he has narcissistic traits but is charismatic and hasn't had the problems I've had. I still feel like the outsider and periodically I clash with my parents and am criticized for being different. It hurts.

I was around 7 years old when I became aware of the family's dysfunctional problems -- my parents' mental illnesses (borderline/bipolar mother and emotionally vacant/abusive father).

Two memories of my early scapegoat role come to mind. When my father took me to the circus when I was 7, he didn't walk next to me, but about 15 feet ahead of me. We quickly got separated and I spent a long time wandering around inside the circus tent looking for my father. When I found him, he seemed annoyed and blamed his abandoning me on me.

I was sad for the entire circus visit because he pretty much ignored me, even when we sat down to watch the acts perform. He didn't buy me any cotton candy or anything, and when we got home he told my mother we had a great time.

Another memory I have from childhood, was when this kid blamed me for his toilet for a mouth and told his parents I was a bad influence on him. A group of us would walk to/from school together for 4th grade. This boy had a toilet for a mouth one morning, and the rest of us 4th graders in the group were pretty dumbfounded.

We heard words we didn't know the meaning of come out of his mouth (just use your imagination). He obviously heard them from an adult, maybe his parents? Anyway, he blamed me and so his mother called and yelled at my mother. Well, my mother screamed at me and didn't believe me when I told her the truth. His mother had him walk with a new group of schoolkids and low and behold, rinse and repeat.

He blamed another kid for his toilet mouth and this time, the other kid's parents laid into this boy's mother hard, and reported him to our school principal. We found out through neighborhood gossip. Did my mother ever apologize to me for not believing me? Nope. She just mentioned that this boy's mother got into trouble for her son's behavior. But she never apologized to me for accusing me of lying etc.

I can relate to your post too. My brother became a raging narcissist to the point where he can lie without batting an eyelid. We're estranged permanently (thank goodness). My sister definitely has some narcissist traits too but not as defined as our brother's narcissism.

Our mother is still alive and she still tells me regularly how much of a loser I am. I will always be the outsider in my family. I don't even have my family added to my Facebook page. I only added my sister and two cousins from my entire family. Estrangement is the only way I can cope with being the family scapegoat.

My siblings are the golden children because they are married with children and great jobs. While I'm highly educated, I still live paycheck to paycheck because I work jobs beneath me to make ends meet. I haven't had any luck finding a well-paying job and I've tried for years. Years.

The long term effects of the emotional abuse and scapegoating give the scapegoats invisible scars that manifest themselves in different ways. I found this online and I think it's pretty accurate:

Signs that you are the family scapegoat:

• You’re told often what YOU need to change
• You’re excluded or overlooked for family events, functions or activities
• You’re the butt of sarcasm and negative remarks
• You’re iced out by certain family members (it’s like you don’t exist or have been forgotten)
• Often you hear statements that begin with “If you_____ “ presenting something you should do to get the acceptance and love you’re looking for. i.e. if you do this then you can have that.

My mother, sister and brother have never apologized to me during our lifetimes for anything they've done or said that hurt my feelings. They treat me as if I am their punching bag. I don't even speak to my mother anymore unless its at a holiday gathering and even then I don't share anything with her or my sister and her family about what I'm doing with my life. I think that's very sad, but it's the reality I live with everyday. My sister doesn't include me in her children's lives either. I do send them birthday and holiday cards but they never call me and make no effort to get to know me, their aunt.

My parents are dead. After their death the family reconfigured so that certain siblings became more like parent figures. I had been in the scapegoat role. I was hoping things would change after it was just the siblings but I was kept in the scapegoat role. It was evident during a family reunion my sister organized when she was terminally ill. I was clearly still the scapegoat. So I really think that maybe once you have this role you can't get rid of it. At one point I had a great marriage, home, a very talented and lovely child, friends, a career and meaningful hobbies and volunteer work...and my family still treated me as invisible. I would send them huge boxes with Christmas gifts and never once got a thanks. When I got a master's degree not one sibling offered congrats. That's how it is with the scapegoat. You are designated to hold all the pain of the family that other member's ignore.

Now I am broken down and in a pretty dangerous mental state. Can you believe I still went back to siblings for support? But of course they like my present position. I am like a pain magnate.

What also happens is I keep ending up in toxic work and other environments. I recently was let go from a job after a month's probation. Looking back I can see how I was scapegoated from practically the first day. I injured my finger on the job and the next day they let me go. I didn't even get medical care for it. Always the victim.

I guess the only way to get out of the scapegoat role is to get strong and get protected. Not one bit of vulnerability can be shown. This doesn't mean getting aggressive or even being too assertive as people will pick up on it. I think it means being strong and very well protected by personal boundaries.

Yes, the only way out of a scapegoat role is to get strong and to develop interpersonal tools to psychologically protect yourself from being bullied, scapegoated and shamed. There are resources everywhere (bookstores, online) that can help you achieve that. It's a long, ongoing process that never ends. Once you've been thrown into the scapegoat role, it's nearly impossible to completely 100% escape, because triggers exist everywhere.

Hmmm. That's sad that it's impossible to escape. But what if we learn to deal differently with the triggers? Okay...I am going to be doing a lot of work in this area as I believe it is a CORE ISSUE and I really don't want to have suicidal ideation. I see being the scapegoat as being the victim and I don't want that role anymore. I want to reject that role.

It's only now I realized that my mother may have been her family's scapegoat... Maybe that's why we don't have contact with the rest of the family.

That's probably true then. How has that effected your family overall? Knowing you probably have aunts and uncles and cousins whom you'll never meet as a result of your mom being her family's scapegoat? Does it bother you ever?