When belief in an afterlife doesn’t help

I am LDS and believe in a life after death. The thing is I believe I can choose where I go (Including far from god) and in my most depressed state, I want to die and run far away maybe even into outer darkness.
A recent stressor in my life is I’m about to get my Patriarchal blessing. Which we believe is scripture for one person. I have pretty good idea of what some it will be but here’s the weird part. It not the admonitions or chastisement I fear. It’s the blessings and compliments. Because I don’t believe I deserve them.

My family were all Mormon pioneers, and some of the first settlers in Utah. I'm not Mormon but do know a lot about the LDS church if you'd like to message me, and talk about it. I don't think they're going to let you have a thread about the LDS church's beliefs on here...

Here's a PsychCentral article on the subject of "scrupulosity." It may or may not apply to you, but it's something to consider.

I wish you well!

I think that you would deserve the compliments and blessings. I have difficulty thinking that I deserve those things, too.

Thanks everyone. I have felt much better since I posted this.
@LucyG the LDS beliefs were to give context to the problem. I didn't expect anybody here to share them.
@will19
@Rohag I'm not sure scrupulosity applies to me but I will keep it in mind

While I was raised to think that an afterlife exists, I have a great deal more cofort in the belief that it doesn't really matter.