Doomed

I tell people the same thing I repeat to myself daily, "We can get better. We have to." The more I say it tonight, the less I believe it. The thing is, I have to. I have to get better because if I don't then what's the point? What's the point of breathing if I can't enjoy it? What's the point of surviving all of the **** I've been through if it doesn't lead to something? Sure, I'm a fighter and a stubborn one at that, but that doesn't mean I'm unbeatable. After a while, a boxer's body gets tired and worn. It's taken so much damage that one more fight could kill them. What if this is that fight for me? I'm tired and I can't keep this up. I want to retire from this fight before it's too late.
Lately, I'm really understanding Hemingway. I just hope I'm not doomed to the same fate.

I don't want to sound like "What About Bob" but it's okay to take a step back and relax a little.

Everyday, find something as a goal or whatever. Even if it is trivial, it has meaning. It is a way to focus on yourself without focusing on your pain. The point is to beat your past. Surviving leads to more than something, what that something is is a mystery. It will be better than now, even if it is not great because you got past today, tomorrow, etc. Not only are you stubborn, you are strong and very smart and kind beyond measure. Nothing can take that away.

Baby steps...

Okay, I will shut up now.

You're very strong and you've been able to survive put to this point; you DESERVE to get better after all of this effort, so don't give up. This way you'll prove (to the others and yourself) that all of this fightning hasn't been useless!
Please, keep fighting. I know it's hard.. but I'm sure you've faced a lot worse. Either way, I'm here anytime you need.

When your life is far from where you want it to be, it can be impossible to believe you can achieve what you really want so I think Qwerty's advice about baby steps (I know you do this just keep trying) fits your current situation. Remember, there is one good thing about having some bipolar traits, you may eventually swing from you current depressed feeling to either a euphoric or baseline state. Also, you are new to thinking about managing having possible bipolar traits. As time goes on, hopefully, you will learn more about coping with it all. I know you feel doomed today but you may not feel that way everyday. It is going to be OK. I think feeling better (rather than doomed) is a distinct possibility in your future (at least some of the time).

there are plenty of battles with acute depression , but you will never win the war . DEPRESSION can and does take you to the bottom, and sometimes thats the only time you get back . you have to go to rock bottom and fight your way out. I am in my second MAJOR breakdown . The first i attempted suicide with EFFEXOR tabs enough to kill a rhino, the i took a massive swallow of brandy to top it off , and i vomited the whole lot back without breaking 1 seal on any tablet, My life since being 7 has been a DEPRESSIVE , Yet i have a wife 4 kids grandkids and worked most of my life not counting breakdowns, i drive a fiat 500 Abarth like a young buck and i am 68 . Every time i was in depression time stopped so i think i am 35 really. Can i get out this 1 well its going to be tricky i am on 9- 10 mg LORAZEPAM a day my usual is 6mg , MIRTAZAPINE AND SERTRALINE its the LORAZEPAM that keeping me alive at the moment and when or if i come good i will detox the extra 4 aday in weeks not years like some,

How do you change the world ? - One small act of kindness at a time.

I have been on the recieving end of your kind words more than once, and that firmly places you in the realm of "worth it".

I know how difficult it can be to see yourself in a positive way, i really do get it. I know how it feels when you have no mental reserves left and it's like your staring at a 300 feet tidal wave bearing down on you.

We are all incredibly strong people, simply because we have made it this far, and you are even stronger for reaching out and explaining why you feel this way.

"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" <- This has saved me on more than one occasion I can assure you..

Keep going with little steps, it will eventually feel like you are getting traction and making progress.

I am as guilty as anyone for not following the advice I give to others.

sending love and light

It does seem that the better able I am to focus on the small moment, the small task, (dishes, filling the bird feeders, making some thing..., watching the pond, walking...) the better I feel about the larger world. Not perfect, doesn't last, but the more I practice, the more it is available to me even if only for an hour, less, more....
((((((((((((hangintherehug))))))))))))))

(((Soleigheas)))

When I am feeling as you do, (lately, quite often) I have to remind myself to just take things in small portions. I had a friend tell me this week to take it one day at a time. Not, right now! It is a matter of doing the next right thing. Getting out of bed. check. eating breakfast. kind of ... interacting with family, huge check...... you are incredibly strong and there is a purpose in all you've gone through. Be safe my friend.