Before I Had Reason or Understanding

Something that troubles me, that I never really let myself think about before, it's on my mind now. I've shown bipolar traits since I was sixteen and really displayed them once I was seventeen. Before that, though, it was all lollipops and candy canes. Looking back, a lot of how I was before could easily to blamed on my environment at that time, but I don't know. Talking with a friend of mine who'd been through an eerily similar upbringing, I was hit with a shock that she didn't experience these feelings as a kid, like I had.
I should probably clear up what I'm referring to here. My earliest memories (kindergarten and a bit earlier) have, for my entire life, held the same feelings within them throughout. In these memories -- some good, some bad -- I have these overwhelming feelings of not belonging. I would sit alone during parties and family gatherings, the entire time believing that I wasn't supposed to be happy. I remember myself during early birthdays in which I would look at a present and think, "They just gave this to me because they're suppose to," and it wasn't in some way where I'd think I deserved it, in fact it was a feeling that no one really loved or care about me enough to get said present and mean it. I was convinced that my family didn't love me and that they'd all be better off if I weren't around. Keep in mind, I might've been five when I was thinking all of these things. I remember always feeling this way, I was always sad about something and I didn't know why.
Well, my friend didn't experience these things and come to find out, most people never experienced symptoms of depression at such a young age. Yet, I'm over here and have experienced these symptoms since I can remember, literally. I guess, I'm putting this out there as a desperate reach to see if someone on here knows what I'm talking about, or at least someone who can explain to me why a child that young would -- by clinical standards -- be suffering from depression. It doesn't make sense that, that young of a child wouldn't be happy, at all. Was I truly just born with depression or did something bring it on?

Born with depression... It might not be impossible.

Wild speculation: early childhood emotional neglect?

Hello Só leigheas: Well... the Skeezyks isn't a psychologist... even an amateur one. So I can't explain this or suggest whether you were born with your mental health challenges or if, perhaps, something happened that caused them. All I can say is that I was secretly warped back before I even have any reliable memories. As a result, what I can say with confidence is that it happens...

(wild speculation - early childhood (emotional) neglect and /or something else )

I'm honestly sitting here and thinking about when abuse really started for me in my childhood and I can't think of it. It's in almost all of my early memories. Funny enough, so many times I was a spectator. I remember watching my sister get beat up real bad after flipping out (she has bp 1). I remember all of the crap my big brother took. I remember asking a lot of questions as to why it was all happening. I remember doing things normal kids did, except I was still different. When the other kids would keep acting up, I'd hide in the corner of the classroom. I'm pretty sure I told my teacher why once; it was something along the lines of: Aren't you going to get the paddle?
I'm not sure how much actual positive interaction I had with my parents verses witnessing and being on the other side of negative interaction. Keep in mind, both of my parents were still using at that point in my life.

I don't know, I'm kind of just rambling now. I guess, it's possible for me to just develop depression from all of this, as a kid. My friend had a somewhat similar upbringing, though, but she says she never really dealt with depression until she was in early adolescents. Screw it, I don't know why I feel I have to figure this out; I don't. I need to just let it go.

Same here, at least for the most part. I had three younger brothers and I do not remember who got the most or the worst of the abuse we all experienced and observed...and no two of us (three still living) dealt/deal with it the same way then or now. It was whatever it was, here is where we today and dragging it along has now become optional.

It seems some people are predisposed to various MH issues so I suppose a person can be born with it.

I don't know if this is in the ballpark or helpful, but as early as I can remember, I felt lower than others. It started with feeling that my siblings were better than me way back when I was 3 or 4. Same thing in school. Now, I didn't have any MH symptoms as a child, they didn't really start to manifest until my mid-20's. I have always felt outside this world, not even human really.

I can't help but think that the extremely low esteem, which I seemed to have been born with, is the root of most of my issues.