[Brina1891]

I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. I am 25 years old and I have 2 children. I have been on and off medications since I was 15 and so far nothing helps. I was taken out of high school b/c I couldn't deal with it anymore and then the jobs I had in my early 20s didn't last long b/c I just shut down. I'm so angry and irritated all the time no one wants to be around me. I lost all of my friends b/c I never would talk to them on the phone or go out with them. I'm in a so called relationship with a man that wants really nothing to do with our kids, won't support them in any way because I won't put out. I live with family, which I HATE because they criticize everything I do or try to do. I have given up. I have been seeing a T and a Psychiatrist and they have me on a mood stablizer but it still isn't working. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm always feeling alone and empty. I can't even remember the last time I was happy or smiled. I never have time for me at all. I am always doing something for my kids and family. But when I need help or something they won't help me out. I just don't know how much longer I can handle this depression. I'm so tired of feeling like this, feeling worthless, feeling like my kids would be better off if I weren't around, feeling guilty because I can't give them the life they deserve. I don't even remember the last time I slept more than 2 hours a night. I'm tired of being angry and pushing people away. I dunno, thanks for letting me rant a little.

Sabrina

[debbie_tabor]

I'm sure you've discussed this with your T, but is there ANY way you can get some time to yourself? It sounds like you need a regular break from everything so you're not so wound up and tired and angry. Maybe DBT would help - learning how to put yourself before others at least some of the time, and how to do nice things for yourself. Even just deciding what those nice things might be. I did a partial hospitalisation program where we did DBT and it helped me loads. If you're as hard to be around as you think you are, maybe your family could see the benefit of looking after the kids while you do it? (I don't mean that facetiously). There are also support groups for people with different levels of functioning. i.e. +/- job, social life etc. maybe in one of those you could join others in finding a way to get out of the rut.

[stefano]

Uhm, this post arouses conflicting feelings in me. I can feel your suffering, and I'm sorry because I know what you mean.
On the other hand I feel like criticizing you on a few points...
But I wish to be of help... so I'll tell you that I really believe that your central issue is rejection. You complain being rejected, are scared of it, but you keep making yourself rejectable. You mentioned meds, but what about psychotherapy? I suggest that you address the issue of rejection in therapy.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm trying to say what I feel may be useful, frankly and openly.

[Brina1891]

I have done the whole psychotherapy, I have seen psychotherapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, therapists, and professional counselor for the last 12 years along with medication after medication. I do have a big issue with being rejected because my entire life I have been rejected by my father, grandfather, boyfriends, friends, and peers because I'm different or at least that is what people have told me. I used to think I was relatively normal just depressed. But the past several years I have learned that I do have problems that go far beyond my depression. Now my caseworker wants to put me into an Anger Management Group, in which I am seriously leary of because I have social anxiety disorder. My T suggested I should check myself into a Crisis Center and get my medication adjusted so I talked to my family about watching my kids and they told me they wouldn't do it. It isn't only the depression, feeling rejected, but the anger, self hatred, the mood swings, I have episodes of mania usually every other day, my moods are severely unstable even though I am on a mood stablizer, I have all of these irrational fears, psychosis that the T said was due to depression, no self esteem, panic attacks, erratic thoughts, going from sleeping 20 hours a day to not sleeping for 3 to 4 days, not being able to concentrate, racing thoughts, and social fears. It is all becoming too much for me to deal with. The Psych stuck me on Topamax and Vistaril(I had to quit taking because it set me into mania). I have been fighting with all of this for over 7 years now and it has only seems to be getting worse. The docs tell me when I get mad to go for a walk but that only causes me to get even more angry. I can't get a straight answer from these doctors on what they think is wrong with me and that drives me nuts because then I sit around and wonder if there is something wrong and they don't want to tell me. They just keep telling me that they don't want to put me on anti depressants because that could trigger worse symptoms. I'm just so tired of dealing with this. I have worn myself down to the point I don't go out of my comfort zone which is mainly to doctor appointments. I'm not comfortable at all in social situations or being around people. Most days I snap at the drop of a hat because I am so irritable. Then my caseworker wants to start socializing me with people, I am not sure I can do that. Just going to the grocery store causes me to go into panic attacks to the point I have an asthma attack. I hate being around others. Up until 3 years ago, I could tolerate being around people but it's to the point I just can't do it anymore. My kid's dad and most of my family tell me I am crazy and I need to snap out of it but I can't. It is like fighting a losing battle. So as always I sleep days away and hide in my home on the computer. I'm just glad there is a place like this where someone actually listens and can understand.

[MyBestKids2]

Hi Brina 1891

I know all about rejection too well, I tend to internalize all of my emotions which isn't at all healthy. Have you tried CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)? I found it quite helpful to gain some coping tools.

Sending you safe hugs (((Brina 1891)))

Take gentle care,
Dee

[debbie_tabor]

Could you get used to being with others if it was the same people every week? If you joined a therapy group of some description. It could consist of people with similar problems to you, where you can all understand each other.

[debbie_tabor]

Just had to plug in.

I agree that one of the advantages of PC, is that people with social anxiety can communicate without having to face anyone! It does sound like having your meds seriously looked at at the crisis center is a good idea. I'm sorry your family isn't more helpful.

[wickedwings]

i understand, brina. and we're all ears for you. you're not alone, not at psych central....