My Mask

"You seem like you're doing a lot better, today."

In my head, 'Wow, apparently I could win an Oscar on Ability to ******** Those Who "know me so well".'

Anyone else ever feel this way?

I can totally relate to this. I was just telling my therapist earlier today that people are always asking me how I'm doing and I say 'fine', when I know I'm not. I've also had people make similar comments like what you mentioned and I just kinda go along with it.

I kinda go along with it as well

Yes, sometimes it takes all I have not to laugh in their face when they say I seem better. My mask isn't as polished as it used to be, but apparently is still pretty good when I want it to be.

I'm not trying to be cynical... but in my experience most folks (even those who call themselves "friend" ) don't want the truth. It's too messy and awkward. So we put on the mask and say we're fine until the mask shatters. Then we stay away from people and questions until we can glue it back together.

There actually may be some truth to what you say, at least in my experience.

If someone asks me how I am, I keep a straight face, shrug my shoulders, and keep quiet. I believe "tangible" people are only asking because they feel guilty and they're trying to cleanse it at they expense of the person they ask. Maybe it's cynical, but after being around thousands of people in my life, I have plenty of research.

Anyone ever feel like they have so many masks that they could start a costume shop? Like seriously, I have put on so many different masks over the years that sometimes I feel like I don't even have a real face any more.

A mask for every situation and individuals involved. I even have one for myself.

Yes! I've delivered some "award-winning" performances myself.

Do you guys know what FINE stands for?

*****d up, Insecure, Nerotic, and Emotional

So, now when someone ask how you are...say I'm fine..

The older I get, the harder it is to wear that "mask." I just don't have the strength to do it anymore.

I tend to put on a mask in conversations, either conveying emotion, or just the information that other people want to hear. It's funny really, events or achievements that one would think would bring joy or a sense of accomplishment just feel hollow. While I can fist-pump or make exuberant gestures outwardly, inside I just feel cold and numb. We all have masks, but the mask that we use for ourselves is the most dangerous. For me, that mask is one that says this will all get better by itself. That my depression will resolve itself, but deep down I know that's not true.