Not sure whether to do hospitalization...

I'm wondering whether maybe I should go, but I really don't know.

I remember a few months ago I was considering going, then the past couple months have been a blur and definitely gotten worse. But I feel like maybe back then I was just jumping the gun with some idea in my mind that they'd magically fix me when I wasn't really that bad, and shouldn't. I'm not sure whether I'm thinking that because of an actual realization or just my current mental state. It's weird, it actually feels like the worse I get the scarier hospitalization feels. I've also felt more hesitant to reach out, but I don't know whether that's a good thing or bad thing. Part of my hesitation in going (whether absolutely reasonable or just anxiety, I don't know) is just a general fear with the whole ACA repeal thing that I'll face insurance troubles in the near future and the record of a recent hospitalization will somehow worsen that.

I spent all of December trying out Parnate and just literally so out of it, and I know that's made me worse, along with time and winter just worsening my depression. I feel foggy and have been having so much trouble with dissociation, and lately it feels like I'm floating in time and don't even feel like I know what day it is. I can barely motivate myself to get out of bed, the past few days I've been waking up to worsening anxiety attacks, and I'm constantly thinking and so anxious, and I've been fearful and jumpy lately. I told myself before that I'd watch super closely while quitting Parnate and after, and if I felt like psychosis was happening at all (because of a past bad experience with Parnate) I'd go to the hospital right away. It's not like I really am having psychosis symptoms, but things just really don't feel right, in new ways.
I think half of my reason to go is almost to make myself get out of the house. It's ridiculous and I know not leaving the house is making me worse in multiple ways, but I just can't get a grip on things. I'm too anxious to go to stores or anywhere public right now, I have no commitments and the one nearby friend I'd maybe feel up to seeing in this state is out of town. At the same time, this intense fear and kinda agoraphobia I've been having makes me terrified to go to the hospital, especially being stuck there and having to be around people. I finally found a new therapist but my appointment is 2 weeks away, and I feel like I'll probably just sit around the house possibly worsening til then.
I know I need to just start a new job so badly, but I don't know whether getting one and having to go would snap me out of this and I'd be at least a bit better, or whether I'm really not capable. I'm also thinking maybe things in life just have me hopeless and down worse lately and a hospital obviously can't fix my life. I'm scared to death of life and all I know I need to do and how behind I feel, and I wonder whether maybe I've just gotten so afraid that I just want to go to the hospital to avoid it all and buy time, when it'd just put things off longer and make things worse.
I'm not s*****al, although I've had some thoughts for the first time in forever, which scared me. I'm also not totally incapable of caring for myself, I mean i do shower and eat. So I don't know if I even "qualify" for hospitalization. But the past few weeks especially, I've gotten down to just dragging myself out of bed in the afternoon, spending most time on the couch, showering and eating, and letting each day pass. I started Marplan recently, and had a new birth control and I knew starting both in this state was kind of a mess so I felt like maybe it'd be best to be watched closely with that... I've just quit the bc and am hoping for improvement, thought. So I'm not sure there's even much they'd do with my meds, but I do know in this fragile state I'd somehow feel comforted having a doctor around and checking in regularly.

I'm kind of just rambling.

I can't tell you whether or not to go IP. I can say that it wouldn't hurt to get a psychiatric evaluation to see if it'd be a good idea. A mental health professional/physical outsider's perspective might do you some good. What you're going through right now isn't easy and you definitely need some help getting through all of this; no question about it. Hospitalization could help to temporarily reduce the stress of everyday life, so there is that. Again, I can't tell you whether or not to go but I do encourage seeking some assistance or advice from a MH professional, if at all possible. You're also welcome to talk to me anytime you want to get things off your chest. Best of luck.

I will tell you this. It doesn't matter why you go if they have open beds they will admit you. They don't really care about you as much as they do your money. I would recommend going and talking to a pdoc not associated with a hospital see if they will work with you. All they will do in a hospital is give you medicine and then after that it's just an adult daycare.

I think you should check out a professiona doctor (a PDoc or someone similar) and see what they say.. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful

Ask for help - even your family doctor or crisis unit.

The last time I was in such a place my psychiatrist was unavailable. Knowing I was in trouble and with no where else to turn I did so to my family doctor. Thank goodness he immediately recognized the dire state I was in. It turned out to be a blessing. I am so grateful I sought help - and was determined to find it - that day.

But I did not wait for help to find me. I had to reach out to it.

Thank you all for the replies. Só leigheas, thank you, I really do appreciate that.

I do have a psychiatrist, he's just not very helpful and only gives meds with nearly no advice or input. I've been wanting to get a full psych eval somewhere and even just find a better pdoc, I've just been having trouble finding one anywhere, especially with a short wait.

I just can't make and stick to decisions about anything. I wish I knew what decision a more normal, clearly-thinking-me would make.

And out of the options I have, one is a hospital I went to a couple years ago and would rather avoid for bad memories, and another is a state hospital I haven't heard good things about. So the one I've been considering is a religious based hospital, and I'm kinda paranoid about that. They seem like a good hospital, but I'm worried somehow they'd do things differently and I'd regret going, I don't know if that's irrational or not.