[Seasoned traveller]

Hello to any and everyone reading this,

I'm new to online support, always tried to deal with my issues by myself, mostly with the help of alcoholic beverages but it's dawned on me that I can no longer keep up with the drinking, recently (6) months ago I started a new job in a new city, trying to run away from my past life and broken relationship, at first everything was slowly getting better, my confidence was high my anxiety low and not a thought popped into my head, I was working my way up the work ladder and even got a promotion, life was finally giving something back. Then I made a mistake, I started falling for my bosd, with whom I work closely with and also live with, at first I didn't really know what I was feeling, I just knew I was attracted to her and I'd do my best to charm her, eventually it worked, I was told from the get go that I wasn't boyfriend material and this would just be casual, to which I agreed, knowing full well down the line this was going to trigger my depression and lead to that well known spiralling downfall, eventually after my feelings started to grow and at the same time realising the reality of my situation, that this was and always would be completely one sided I turned back to drinking, sending the odd passive aggressive text, stumbling to see her and ultimately embarrassing myself and ruining whatever chance I might have had, but I didn't see any other way, the drink numbed the growing depression and stopping what we were doing was out of the question, imagine if I had to sit here and watch her bring back somebody else? What if, what if.
Then, on a rather "heavy" week of consoling myself with an unhealthy amount of alcohol, I collapsed at work, I was taken to the hospital, I'd had a seizure. After promising the people I care most about that I'd stop drinking for a month, I picked myself up and started to try and look after myself, I lasted two weeks, the casual relationship was going well and I was feeling good, yet my self destructive alter ego wasn't happy, I spent 4 days under the influence, losing any respect anyone had left for me, on the other side of the 4 days, I'd realised how many people I'd let down, I apologized but the damage had been done, I'm currently nursing a hangover from another 3 day marathon, I've messed up the casual, the depression is strong, the anxiety is excuiating, the thoughts are back. I'm in no way fishing for sympathy, if anything I'm writing this just to get it all out of my head. I just think I'm all out of energy to keep fighting the depression, it will always relapse, it will never truly go, it all just seems pointless.

[*Laurie*]

Hello Seasoned traveller, Welcome to PC It sounds like your life has been pretty rough lately. There's nothing wrong with wanting some sympathy

[laffer75]

That's one long story bro

[Fizzyo]

Welcome to PC! This is a good place for learning and support.
I came here as my first support forum too and found a safe and generally helpful place.

People here have helped me through some dark times and I hope you get as much encouragement from this community as I have

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome to PC