[qwerty68]

Two months of harsh insomnia, withdrawal effects of my meds are still hurting me. Went to my pdoc for sleep issues, got Temazepam and accused of having schizoeffective disorder, which freaked me out. It doesn't sound all that dissimilar from MDD w/ psychotic features but that really freaks me out. The psychosis felt like a downward spiral with my depression and this feels even further down the drain. I took it once and spent most of the next two days suffering from a somewhat unique seizure auras. I had the doom and dread, but no hallucinations, but also had massive pressure in my head, horrible sweating to go along with the fun of auras.

The weird part is that it was significantly worse after I woke and stood up, both mornings. It didn't help me get to sleep any earlier than taking nothing. It must have been the benzo, maybe paradoxical effects? I don't know if it was a bunch of auras. It felt like death, but that is what auras feel like.

What is worse is that I was two states over visiting my daughter and grand kids. I couldn't do much with them. I also brought my other grand daughter along for the visit. We have two mountain passes to get through, one isn't too high, just a bit over 3000 feet, but the other is nearly 5000 feet. Going there I had no problems but the return trip I did. I had no seizure auras yesterday so it seemed like I was okay to drive. I can only not drive if I had auras that same day or of course if I had a grand mal(I lose my license for a year after these).

I felt the car start sliding and I am usually good about staying in control but this time I lost it and spun a few times, slammed into a snow and ice covered railing and bounced back into the freeway. I barely remember it, just bits and pieces. I know I didn't black out because I got off the road quickly after the car finally stopped. My grand daughter asked what happened and told me it was fun.

I got out and checked the car and tires and only found my front license plate torn off and a few minor scratches on the bumper. A very minor accident, which is amazing since I hit the barrier pretty hard. Luckily no other cars or trucks were near me, although a semi passed about a minute after getting on the side of the road. That haunts me. Ever since I got home last night, I have been having all the worst cases go through my head obsessively which is not helping matters and certainly not helping my sleep. Which of course, feeds into seizures, depression, obsessions and anxiety.

I don't know how to pull out of this. I can't really go back on meds, too many horrible side-effects.

This sounds like a lot to endure. It is a blessing that your granddaughter said that the whole scary accident was fun. At least she is not suffering and life is still a wonderful grand adventure for her. Are you in a city where taxi's and Uber drivers are available? This incident must have you reevaluating how safe it is for you to drive....

[qwerty68]

I haven't actually thought of that. I don't think that is the case, it was a patch of black ice. Nasty stuff.

I am very grateful that she did not even get scared. When we got home she was giggling while telling her mom what happened. Maybe my sick head is making it worse than it was, I don't even know anymore.

[tippitippi]

It's probably not accurate to diagnose someone when they are obviously affected by medication issues.

[MtnTime2896]

So, this is small, but do you know what a stim tool is? They're toys, essentially, that you use in your hand for repetitive movements. I'm diagnosed with classic bipolar w/psychotic features...fun stuff. Anyway, when I'm having a hallucination and/or my anxiety is spiking (they often go hand in hand), I start doing repetitive movements along with feeling it's texture. Mine has various texture that also helps ground me after a flashback or nightmare. That helps me along with keeping myself in a somewhat controlled environment. I don't leave my bedroom a lot and keep my keyboard close by along with journals, music devices and my stim toy. When I do leave, I take my stim and writing material, just in case. These give me a fall back if everything is too much. I also usually have headphones in during shopping (though I purposely go during dead hours).

When it comes to sleep, we've talked about this before. Have you tried the cherry juice, turkey and/or grains an hour before bed?

[qwerty68]

Thank you, I will look into stim. I have never heard of that before.

I really need to calm down. When I got out of the car, I could smell burnt rubber and I can right now. That is not helpful.

Yes, I have tried those and many things. Occasionally, various things work but never two nights in a row. One of my sisters told me about something that helped her, but I can't find it locally so will order it online. Maybe that will help.

[qwerty68]

It's weird. I am a lot better but not really if that makes sense. Even now when I wake, I get the doom and dread thing but it is less intense and doesn't last long but I am a little dizzy all day. Now that it is milder, it could be anxiety, or withdrawal effects or seizures. Maybe all three. I can't tell and that scares me more than anything. Paranoia isn't helping.

The good news is that melatonin actually worked last night, probably because I just needed a ton of sleep and won't work tonight. I got about 9 hours which is about a weeks worth of sleep lately. So that seems like a good thing.

Sorry, there is no question, just whining.