[tissuebox]

6 month ago, I finished my highschool, failling my last year. I tried 3 more time to pass the final french exam (the one that was making me fail my year) but, even tho I studied alot, tried my best and knew the subject, I never got higher than 50% in all of my attempt. This was kind of a moral killer for me as I am good at school.
Luckily, I got a job during the summer. I have been struggling with drug abuse since my young year and at my job, miracle or disaster, there was a dealer. A coke dealer... Most of the time I didnt have drugs because I didnt have money but now, hey I had a job so I had money. As I am pretty retarded, I got caught at the job, doing drugs. I will save you the details because it kinda makes me want to you know, disapear but ofc I got fired. My boss was REALLY nice, he could of reported the event to the police but did nothing of that, didnt even say the reason to his own boss as why he fired. I was pretty lucky.
I used the rest of my money on a computer and more drugs. At some point, I had no more dealer and so, I discovered the wonder of "legal" drugs. (nasty ****) I wont say what they are, you can do your own research, lets just say that I tried ALL of them, from solvent to otc meds, I am ****ed up. A depression built up slowly, I never go outside, I have social anxiety and I am not in a "family" relationship with my family. Most of my day now that I have no more money is just sitting on my *** and play video-games. From time to time I wander around the house (when my family is gone because I am anxious about seeing them) to search for 10-25 cents to buy crappy "legal" drug. Everytime I get high, I dont even feel good, I just hate myself. I bought it with stolen money, an adult, getting high in his mom's basement (its where I live) just doing nothing all day, scared of seeing people and going outside.
I am really depressed right now, I wanted to be so much when I was young but I couldnt even get a highschool diploma as I am too retarded. I am unemployed, drug addict, anxious and living in my moms basement. Every night I just cry on how pathetic I am. Sometime I got into crisis moment, like almost killing myself but as the brave man I am, calling someone on the phone (like the police or a crisis hotline) was a no-no. Panick attack just thinking about it. None of my family know about my current state and I cant tell them, I dont have friends either. I wish I could get some professionnal help but I have no car and it would require my mom to know where I go as she would be the one doing the transport. that means questions, worries, talks and more scary stuff.
My only human contact is on the internet and I hope its gonna be enough for not passing to the act before I get the courage to call someone for help.
I dont see any way out of this hell, I wanna stop crying every night, stop being worst then I could of ever imagine being and maybe just stop being human waste

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Tissuebox.

In view of the depression, anxiety and all that accompany them, I believe you will need practical assistance toward a better future. That help could come in different forms - social/medical support, counselling, therapy, etc.

Please make yourself at home here.

[Fuzzybear]

[Fizzyo]

Welcome Tissuebox,

I would second Rohag's suggestion, support is needed to get through all this stuff.

Meanwhile I hope you find support and encouragement here. We're here for each other.