[jollybutdepressed]

It has been years since I have been active here. I used to call myself the permanent resident of PC because I was always here. Some of you might know me, some do not of course . Why am I writing now? It is because this whole day, I really felt bad. You know the feeling that it will be one of those days that everything goes bad, that everything is bad towards you. You forget things, trip on something, drop something, anything bad towards you. That is the feeling I got the whole day. Please don't mind my long entry, I just do not know where else to go. I have no one to talk to at home, no support whatsoever. I keep things from my friends, I keep things from my family. I keep it all to myself and punish myself in the process somehow. I feel that I am so unlucky that I even think that I will be giving the world a favor for leaving it. Yes, I do have suicidal thoughts, and according to an observation I saw about me when I was 8, I have the tendency to self destruct, I do not even know what that means. It says I have a tendency to have a self-destructive behavior. Apparently, I truly do. I am 33 years old, and yet I feel like some stupid teenager doing all the things that are wrong.

Nope, I do not have a therapist, and nope I have not been diagnosed with something. Sometimes I wish I have one though, but can't find one near my area, plus, knowing how my parents are (unfortunately I still live with my parents and I do not really have a stable job) they will say why I can tell some stranger and not talk to them about it. I have tried talking to them about it, but they just ended up defending their actions and doings. I just kept to myself. But with a therapist, I can pin point why I am the way I am. Why I think the way I do, and what to do in order to be "well" again.

To whom ever read this entry of mine, thank you for your time, and if you are to comment something, I thank you as well in advance.

Hi there! I can definitely relate to a lot of what you're going through, and it reminds me of the time before I was able to get medical help and a proper diagnosis (the process took around six years). Although my primary diagnosis is bipolar disorder, even with medication I have baseline depression and anxiety/irritability.

If there is anything specific that you'd like to discuss, I am happy to talk to you. If there are any specific issues for which you'd like to brainstorm solutions, I am here for you as well. I've had a string of psychologists and psychiatrists -- and although I'm not a doctor who can provide you a diagnosis, medication, and professional help -- I can share my experiences and try to help as much as I can!

- Allie

[Fuzzybear]

[MickeyCheeky]

We're listening Is it possible to find a therapist outside of your area? Perhaps not too far from it?