When you "see" the rest of your life and cannot change it? Worse, you do not want to change it. Not due to any desire not to, but because the very slight glimpses of something other than depression are simply not enough to sustain hope.

Like a starving person who doesn't get to eat enough...just small bites of dull sustenance. Eventually, our souls get smaller and smaller and then we disappear.

And we don't mind it. At all. It is what is happening and what will happen because we have hoped for so long and we're tired.

And we meet people who give us a small glance of hope. But they are just people. And cannot save us. So we were teased, maybe.

Family gets tired of our problems...they have lives to live and happiness of their own to find and they have more of a chance to achieve a good life.

I have learned this thinking. I was not always this way. I thought I would heal. I thought I would get to climb out, but the more time that goes on, the less hope I have.

[MtnTime2896]

I get small glimpses of hope every now and then. Being entirely honest, those glimpses gave me some motivation to keep breathing but did little to offer solace from all that's hurt me.
'Hope', in many ways for me right now, is gone and has been for a while. I like to call 'hope' and old friend that leaves more often than stays to help. I dare to seek him sometimes, most of which is to no avail. Maybe 'friend' is too nice a title for him.
I think I've given up on 'hope' but I do not need it to live. I don't know who ever said that, but I would like to offer them a certain gesture that's frowned upon. Instead of 'hope', which is merely an emotion to me, I decide to "live" life in logic. I eat, drink and do all of the things I need to in order to stay alive. I've decided that I need to live for others. That's what I do. It doesn't mean I can't feel some form of happiness or ease from time to time. I don't need 'hope' to feel those. Those moments of ease and/or happiness give me cause to say it's okay to keep breathing. Sure, I can 'hope' for more of those moments but do not expect them. Ever.

I am, however, a different person when I'm alone with my fiance. I am different because there's a vitality he offers. Even that has no illusion of 'hope', though. The truth is, 'hope' has left me screwed up too many times and I can never trust it, again. 'Hope' is dead. I live for the hour I'm currently in.

[Fuzzybear]

I can't trust "hope" either .. I live for others (mostly papa bear)

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

When you "see" the rest of your life and cannot change it? Worse, you do not want to change it. Not due to any desire not to, but because the very slight glimpses of something other than depression are simply not enough to sustain hope.

Like a starving person who doesn't get to eat enough...just small bites of dull sustenance. Eventually, our souls get smaller and smaller and then we disappear.

And we don't mind it. At all. It is what is happening and what will happen because we have hoped for so long and we're tired.

And we meet people who give us a small glance of hope. But they are just people. And cannot save us. So we were teased, maybe.

Family gets tired of our problems...they have lives to live and happiness of their own to find and they have more of a chance to achieve a good life.

I have learned this thinking. I was not always this way. I thought I would heal. I thought I would get to climb out, but the more time that goes on, the less hope I have.

This was such a touching and lovely post, and I have nothing more to say except that I send good wishes and the hope of happiness your way. I can see how your feelings might ring true for so many people, especially those who are older and have struggled for a long time. Sometimes I feel flickers of something like what you've described, but I don't want to latch onto it or think about it. Maybe I have the "luxury" of holding onto hope because I'm young and I'd like to think that I have a long road ahead.

[wiretwister]

when I was really down .... I honestly thought it was all over ... I had no hope ... no joy ... no anything ...
I call it the black "beastie" ... and it had me completely ... maybe someone had "hope " for me ... IDK ... but I do know I found my salvation by "chance" on you tube ... and "she" gave me hope ... it has not been a perfect ride ... and it has been pretty bumpy at times ... and I am by no way "cured" ....

but ... I do have hope ... why I climbed out of that hole is clear as day to me ... but I am sure would mean nothing to anyone else .... all I am saying is I am no different than anyone else ... I was as low as you can recover from .. and recover I have ... I believe "hope" is always there ... I have no answer for anyone else how to find it ... but I believe in it ... Love .. Tigger.

[Thestranger5]

I relate to your post. I am currently on a journey to love myself even though it will be incredibly long and difficult.

[MtnTime2896]

I've been thinking about this today since I saw it. Then, just now, I remembered this quote and had to come back here to share it.

"I don't mind the pain. It's the hope that kills me." -A Long Way Down.

[Clara22]

Hi Sophie's mom,
I think that this is not a learned thinking as much as a distorted thinking by depression. I found this article I liked, maybe it has some responses.https://psychcentral.com/blog/archiv...-overcome-them
Sending you a hug

[Anonymous37919]

The first thing I'd do (although I'm not saying it's simple) is to discard all the pieces of trash in your life who don't help you. This can be almost anyone. Even some family members can get dictating enough to the point you just want to slap them. Unfortunately, this fat trimming probably cannot include social workers and anyone in "authority" because they are semi-attached to you in some annoying way which means you're kind of stuck with them.

[Hairball]

I get like that often, and I get some relief and hope when I watch peoples struggles on youtube. People that are not complete physically or in wheelchairs. If they can have hope so can I.

Probably not the best way to get relief or hope but these people are an inspiration.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

When you "see" the rest of your life and cannot change it? Worse, you do not want to change it. Not due to any desire not to, but because the very slight glimpses of something other than depression are simply not enough to sustain hope...

I have learned this thinking. I was not always this way. I thought I would heal. I thought I would get to climb out, but the more time that goes on, the less hope I have.

I have accepted the fact I will likely live out the remainder of my days having to deal with the reality of my depression, and the hope I have today for making it through comes at least partly from having no complaint about having to deal with the reality of my depression.

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by Peter A

The first thing I'd do (although I'm not saying it's simple) is to discard all the pieces of trash in your life who don't help you. This can be almost anyone. Even some family members can get dictating enough to the point you just want to slap them. Unfortunately, this fat trimming probably cannot include social workers and anyone in "authority" because they are semi-attached to you in some annoying way which means you're kind of stuck with them.

You are so right about discarding all the pieces of trash in our life that do not help us

[Fuzzybear]

"Survival mode" ....

[FallingTears]

Hi Sophie's Mom

You ARE struggling. If you don't have a therapist and drugs, please seriously consider them. I wrote a letter to my shrink the other day and asked him to please REMIND me next time I try to go off drugs that I NEED them. Hate it....

I have been SERIOUSLY SUICIDAL a few times in the past year as hope has also left the building here. On the most recent occasion I actually sat down and wrote a goodbye letter to my daughter.

I cried the whole time imagining what dying would put her through. And yes, I'm a sub par zombie-like mother BUT sadly, the only one she has...

I kept the letter and the next time I was about to end it, I thought of her reading it. It does take the edge off the desperation when you know that your own death will increase your child's likelihood of suicide threefold. Do u want to leave your child in the pain you're currently in?? And have it haunt her the rest of her life?

I know that sounds mean and it sucks to have to continue for other people. (I resent my therapist everytime he needs to give me the lecture but thought I'd pass it on anyway! :- ) No-one expects you to diet "for your husband" or get fit "for your mum" but living you can apparently be required to endure for others.

Try the letter... if u haven't already... it helps!

Take care

FT

May The Lyrics In This Song Be As Comforting To You As They Have Been To Me!

Hero ... Mariah Carey

[Anxious Minds]

Would you be up to sharing more of the details of what you are talking about? No big deal if you don't, just thought I'd lend an ear if you're willing to share.

I get how you're feeling though. The weariness of thinking that things will change, but constantly getting the same result. I think it's a symptom of how we view the world. Nothing in your life will truly change until you change the lens through which you view the world. That takes time. And it can be hard to hold out hope because it's such a long proces.

At the end of the day, though, I think it helps to search for places to put your hope. You're hope is in some sort of change that hasn't come yet? What other things can you hope for?

I wish for a day where I'll have power to fight for hope

Keep posting. Don't give up. We support you. I will hope and pray for you when you cannot anymore....