[AHurtingMan]

I have three major flaws that I am aware of: (1) my inability to let go of past hurts, (2) my inability to love myself and (3) my pride.

The first and the third flaws go hand-in-hand. You see, I'm not good with money. About 4 years ago, when I was a freshman in college, I lived off campus. I didn't pay my rent because I spent my money on meaningless things. As a result, I would ask my older sisters for help. They would help me but they would also hold it over my head and would make sure to let me know at every opportunity that I was a disappointment, irresponsible, selfish and hateful. This led me to develop a resentment towards them.

I'm envious of my sisters, even though they tell me they shouldn't be. I mean, why shouldn't I be jealous of them? I have no one to talk to in my family. I am the only boy and I have three older sisters. I can't relate to them in most things because I am not a woman. They can't relate to me in most things because they are not a man. They have my mom teaching them how to be a woman but I had no one to reach me how to be a man. I had to learn how to be a man by myself.

They all have someone in their lives whereas I have no one. They all have apartments whereas I still live with my mom. They all know how to be adults whereas I get ridiculed for my poor choices. I hate relying on my family for things, just so they can hold it over my head afterwards.
As the years went by, I made sure to almost never rely on anyone else, even when it often leads me to suffering. It has become to the point where my pride gets in the way and I refuse help for even the smallest of problems. I feel as though I have to prove my family wrong that I am not irresponsible and that I am as every bit of an adult as they are.

This, unfortunately, also results in me never giving myself any credit if I don't meet a certain standard that I myself have created. If I am short of a goal, even a small one, my self loathing increases. I start to feel as though I'm worthless and that my sisters were right. My sisters do want to help me, but I don't want their damn help. I refuse to have them guilt trip me any longer.

Why am I so damn messed up???

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, AHurtingMan.

When you were talking to a therapist, did you ever discuss these "flaws," and did the therapist ever link or related them to experiences earlier in your life? (Feel free to ignore the question.)

Please make yourself at home here.

[BlueMerleGirl]

I am sorry you're struggling so much. I can't relate exactly to your situation but I do understand what it's like to have family who "love" you and want to help but you just don't feel like you can be emotionally close. I have two much older siblings and I can't relate to either of them, and my parents are gone, it sometimes feels like I don't really have family.

What about friends? Do you have any close friends that are men who can relate to you better? I think you just need to accept your sisters for what they are. They do care about you which is great. They like to hold things over your head which sucks, so just do your best to get to the point where you don't need their help. And focus on the good parts of your relationship with them. And what they can't provide you can try to find elsewhere from other people.

[Fuzzybear]

[shezbut]

Welcome to Psych Central, AHurtingMan.

I'm sorry that you feel so alone. That is hard. I look forward to getting to know you better, in the future.

Gentle hugs to you ~ come back soon!

[AHurtingMan]

Originally Posted by BlueMerleGirl

I am sorry you're struggling so much. I can't relate exactly to your situation but I do understand what it's like to have family who "love" you and want to help but you just don't feel like you can be emotionally close. I have two much older siblings and I can't relate to either of them, and my parents are gone, it sometimes feels like I don't really have family.

What about friends? Do you have any close friends that are men who can relate to you better? I think you just need to accept your sisters for what they are. They do care about you which is great. They like to hold things over your head which sucks, so just do your best to get to the point where you don't need their help. And focus on the good parts of your relationship with them. And what they can't provide you can try to find elsewhere from other people.

Yes, I have close friends that are men. One of who has been my best friend for 4 years. He's an older brother to me in everything but blood. He has helped me work through so many of issues. I am forever grateful to him.

I actually talk to him first whenever a problem arises. In any situation, he is always the first to know. In all honesty, without him, I wouldn't be here today. He has saved me so many times.

Right now, I feel a bit more accomplished. I managed to get two jobs without needing help from my family. I'm currently working so I can save up for school. I'm also starting my senior year of college this August, so there is that. It's a small step to becoming an independent adult, but it's a step nonetheless.