[pinkvilla]

I am someone who is slowly coming out of depression after 3 yrs of battling with it. My partner was not supportive initially when I did not have the diagnosis and hence I did not tell him.I did it all by my own and proud to say that it has made me stronger.

The problem is that we have had numerous arguments during this time and have grown apart. I know my hiding the depression had a role in this.Now in therapy,I am trying to let go of all the bad feelings and incidents that happened.I am unable to forgive him for being so rude and mean to me despite him not knowing about my illness. I hate the sight of him. I cannot seem to even talk to him. I'm thinking of going away for a bit to get my mind sorted. How do you decide if you want the relationship back? I am so confused. Every day I think of divorce in my mind but do not know what the right decision is. Right now,I hate the idea that I have to come back to live with him after the time away!

I suggested the idea of getting a small place for myself to him and he doesn't seem to agree on it. I can't imagine living like this anymore . Is it my depression that is making me hate him so much? How should I spend my time away from him? Should I try to make a decision about my marriage or should I just concentrate on my healing from depression?Everything is weighing me down.

[Misterpain]

You need to decide is this a fair and rational response , to bail out of the marriage because there is no possibility of you ever loving or respecting him again , what does in sickness and in health mean to you ? And what do you think it means to your husband, do you think your husband is not sincere or is it possible he has never before been effected by depression personally or in someone very close and like many people did not know what to do or say ?
Will trading him in on another model be worth it , or maybe stick it out and educate him when your less angry with him , there is nothing wrong with being angry , just don't make big life decisions until you have taken some time to work past the anger , I used to be a Mediator and one think I can tell you is divorce is a bell that can never be unrung , if you say it when your angry it kind of dooms the relationship because you will both forever have that on your mind , breaking up is the easy thing , fighting for the relationship is hard , you may also want to see a marriage counselor together and see if he's more understanding or closer to the man you thought you married when he finds out from an outside party what exactly you are struggling with, this is not something you should attempt without a neutral person because It will always be a trigger for you, as is anything we have to adapt and overcome it will be a raw spot for you because it's uniquely painfull , don't let this drag you down or break something without geting some space to safely make decisions, I don't know if you have children but if you do that really makes for a bad position, because if you decide to dissolve the relationship , you will still be dealing with the man for the rest of your life, and toxic parents make toxic children, one party inevitably tries to weaponize the kids to get back at the spouse , if he has been emotionally, physically and financially been supportive prior to this , that says a lot about the man and his love , and that maybe a little time and education on depression could be the "teachable moment "to a bright future , we can only screw up the future by screwing up the present , I am deliberately giving you thinking and talking points without trying to color your vision , this is a very serious time for you and important for you to remember, time is the great equalizer especially if you can make it work for you.

In my opinion there is no healing the depression without healing the relationship , it is going to be a combined plan of action, can you get past the anger , and make a healthy choice , don't feel rushed , take your time to think about the pros and cons of both staying in the relationship and fighting for it or dissolving it , and then you can fully devote to healing all of you , a relationship is a negotiation , you each give you each take. Neither of you can change a fundamental aspect of who you are to conform to the relationship , you are each 1/2 of a whole .

By doing this yourself , yes it is admirable , but at the same time you almost didn't give your husband a chance to be there for you. Was that self preservation or selfish ? Arguments can be healed violence rarely so , I am a firm believer in don't be a punching a bag , if a man ever hits you they don't stop
and getting far away from them is the only choice ,but words and emotions is always a toss up , if you both are still working to a goal the rest can be worked out , if you both still want it .
PEACE

[Rizzar]

"Are you better off with him or without him?" -- Ann Landers

Is couples counseling an options?

[Sunflower123]

Depression can do a number on relationships when one party isn't supportive can't it? I guess my first question: is he supportive now? Would it be helpful for you both to go to therapy to work through this? Leaving a marriage is a big decision so give yourself time and don't make sudden decisions. Do you think with some time and with the help of a therapist you could process your feelings? In my situation I was married for 19 years. He doesn't believe in mental illness and was not only not supportive but actively disdainful. Even though we had a child I decided (it was a tough decision) to divorce. I started getting better once I asked him to leave. The relationship was making my depression much worse. I think you should concentrate on healing your depression but that's a catch 22 if he is exacerbating it. It's a tough situation.

I wish you wisdom and peace in coming to a decision.