[seesaw]

In addition to severe chronic major depressive disorder that is treatment resistant, I also have PTSD and a mood disorder called Pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) that occurs in women and is related to your menstrual cycle. I sort of describe it as a little like being bipolar but your swings are completely timed to your menstrual cycle, so at least you can be prepared for it. My pdoc and I seem to have gotten my PMDD mood swings under control by timing my cycle and taking Zoloft for a week prior to my cycle. I made the mistake of continuing the Zoloft after my cycle actually started and was feeling, not suicidal, but extremely hopeless and all existential, like why even bother existing, and all that. I stopped the Zoloft and things got a lot better.

And somehow, today, I actually kicked Saturday's ***. Usually Saturday, for me, is only getting out of bed to feed and walk the dogs. Otherwise, I'm in bed with the covers over my head, recuperating from the work week and waiting until I have to get up to get ready for whatever Saturday event we have at work.

Well, today, I woke up, I walked the dogs, fed the dogs, started some laundry and other chores. Went online and checked my accounts and paid bills. Made a shopping list, just got a lot done. Then I took a little cuddle time with my dog Fish, then got up and ran all my errands. When I got home, I continued task oriented on my chores, ate finally, and then took the dogs to the park, since we haven't been in 3 weeks, since Astro broke his toe. We stayed for an hour, and then I ran to Michaels to get some stuff for my new boss who starts on Monday so I can decorate her office tomorrow so it's not so bare and she feels welcome.

I am working on a what is probably a very terrible welcome sign of tiles on wood. But for the first time in forever, I have actually enjoyed my day, and not wanted to be asleep or unconscious or nonexistent for the whole day.

I still feel the existential ******** bringing me down, but it's not so pervasive that I can't function anymore. For a few days there, I couldn't even get out of bed.

The only bummer right now is, I did go through a period of self harm, but it's been almost two years right now, but I have been having some skin issues around my nose, and I've been picking at them and they are bleeding, and it's actually quite painful, but it's some kind of anxiety based compulsion. I gotta stop. At least I put neosporin on it, and that seems to be helping.

Also, I'm still in the running for the LA job I interviewed for. I found out the process got slowed down because two of my references haven't been able to connect with them yet. But one of them was traveling cross country by bike, but he's back in town now and I told him that. And I gave him the recruiter's number and asked him to call.

The other is just extraordinarily busy, and she asked me to have the woman email her and also that she would try to call her on Monday.

It's just kind of funny, because my references are very successful professional people, and while they're happy to be my reference, they also all work 60-70 hour weeks, just like me, so it may take more than a day to get a call with them, lol. This recruiter has been a little pushy to me and it's kind of a red flag.

I'm a little worried some of the red flags with this job, if I get offered it. I think if I get offered it, I'm going to have some further questions before accepting.

Anyways...I'm just so happy to have had a good day. Good days, in which I actually ENJOY doing something, and don't just exist for the point of existing...well, this has been my first day since January 1, 2017 where this has happened. So, I'll take it.

May we all heal.

Seesaw

Good for you! If you end up needing to sleep in on Sunday--don't feel guilty at all after getting so much done on Saturday. Everyone needs one day a week to rest.....