[Little Jay]

I went out drinking with some friends from work last night, which I know is stupid to drink when I've been going through such a hard time. I ended up drunkenly crying to one of my friends and her girlfriend as we walked home that I'll probably be dead soon and that she should just accept it, and telling her how I've been feeling.

I haven't admitted to anyone IRL that my depression and suicidal thoughts have come back, and then I go and do that! I was drunk and stupid, I don't even remember everything that I said. She was so supportive telling me she's there for me and I'm really grateful that she didn't overreact and hopefully realises it was just because I was drunk. She took me to bed and sat with my and let me cry, and was just so supportive. It's not until I'm thinking about it now that I feel like a complete pathetic idiot. I keep it to myself for a reason, I know from the past how badly people react to it.

How on Earth am I going to look her in the eye at work on Monday!

[Fuzzybear]

... from a cave dweller in the uk

[Misterpain]

Not all humans suck at being caring and understanding, you might have found one ! I say act like you normally do, and see if there's a "temperature" change in the environment ( you will tend to be biased because of how you feel, try to be really objective) you never know when or where you will meet an adult who is trust worthy and a true friend .

If it helps any , last year I had encephalopathy followed by a stroke ,encephalopathy is the very basic description of "organically off your rocker" and my pizza guy Mike asked me why I was in a wheelchair ( he had been my pizza guy for many years, I live in a bad neighborhood ,he was the only guy that delivered to my house) I new he was working his way thru med school , so like a complete idiot I said when you get off come by and I'll tell you .

Well sure enough an hour later he showed up ,and I told him things that he is probably only the third person to ever hear outside of my doctors , it's not common for people to ask if your in a wheelchair because of an accident or illness , and being in a completely compromised mental state I told him.

His first reaction was " I had no idea how much suffering was behind your door " you hide an incredible load of "sins" behind your personality and "doing fine how about you" , needless to say a few weeks later after my stroke and resolution of the encephalopathy I had some memory of what I did , and I thought maybe I should move , but where would I go and how would I do it , not coming up with any good answers, I thought I will just not order dinner ever again, a few days later he showed up at my door and said " you haven't ordered ,so I thought you might be hungry and brought your favorite" how are you ? I apologized told him how sorry I was , he was not meant to know , I never should have invited him over ,he said your beleif of " I am fine is bull****, and checking your attitude at the door is unreasonable, you are a friend to everyone else that knows you , and always ready to lend a hand or an ear ,but you are ghost about what's happening to you,so what if it's not pretty , not everything is , your not a burden to anybody , your human with health problems, and I glad you told me, don't try to avoid me , I know what you like and when you usually order so if you don't call I am going to bring it anyway, to make sure you are OK". And told me he asked some of his professors about what I had , they never heard of it , so he looked it up on the net and found out more than I told him about it, so he is now changed his goal in school to Neurology instead of Oncology, He said I thought the greatest challenges and mysteries were in cancer , you opened my eyes .( I though great another person I ruined).

Anyway Mike has gone from my pizza guy to a good friend and source of strength , I live in community of about 300,000+ I guess , lots of people know me but nobody but Mike has any idea of who I am ,when I am at home ,my public appearance is of a nice guy who tells jokes, is sarcastic and who asks perfect strangers how they are and takes time to listen ( my close friends keep telling me somebody's going to kill me , because I am so nice,i tell them I am almost 50 that's how I was raised ,and nobody feels threatened by a guy in a wheelchair, so I might get mugged , but Hell a couple of angry girl scouts could kick my a $$, so it's not a big deal)

So really give your coworker a chance , not everyone is bad and not everybody would even listen to a drunken rant , so you might have a the makings of a new friend , but if not trust me alcohol can turn a really nice person evil to say the least , so trust me blaming the alcohol is a perfectly valid excuse that you may not even need , the above is a perfect example of a "moth" flying to close to the flame , the "moth" appears no worse for the experience , and I actually got a good caring friend who knows more about me then I let out in public .yes you feel bad and you "exposed" some stuff that you ordinarily would have kept hidden ,that doesn't mean an epic fail!

I have been there. I don't have advice but wanted to offer you hugs. Alcohol makes my emotions come out when I'm depressed too and I've spilled to coworkers. It sucks, but it will be okay.