No explanation

I don't get one thing about me.
I am the most caring and in need of social conections when I feel sad. At those times I greatly apreciate hugs and I feel some need to talk to someone about it, even I don't know very much what to say.
When I feel lonely I think I want to have friends and people by my side, but when I am actually around them I can't get connected to them nor do I feel that much interest to connect. At least I still apreciate hughs (mostly from my father).

I have so many doubts if I am a social oriented person or if my true self is someone who doesn't care about people. Thinking that I am someone who doesn't care makes me sad and angry towards myself, but what happens in reality is that I really don't care.

I want so very much to understand why and to know if there's something I can do. I have been like this since I can remember, so how can I said this is not a personality disorder? It's so impossible to distinguish personality disorders from some other mental ilnesses in my case. Maybe it could all be explained by some environmental, social theory, but psichiatry nowadays seems so dismissing towards personal experiences and more oriented to biological factors of stuff. I don't want to give names to how I feel because names carried great concepts with them - if it is a personality disorder I must be like this and that and I can't change; I feel like I will be seen more responsible for my disorder and ok with it and like something that can't be changed. If is a disorder like anxiety and depression than I am more like a victim and how I behave isn't who I am.

I just wish someone saw me as an all and saw through me. The way modern psichiatry is built not many people will do that... I need someone that really wants to invest on me, but health is such a bussiness...

If it is a personality disorder it perhaps can be changed but it's not easy, plus expensive.

People frequently develop personality disorders as ways of dealing with trauma and unloving families and then we're stuck with them. That's what it sounds like to me, that your true self does care but you have inhibitions and defenses to prevent or avoid you getting hurt by people you care about, which is definitely a good reason to be like that, I think. Sad that it happened, maybe, but you were and are doing the best you can.

Psychiatry has gone from darkness to a few candles , however this whole thing of blame it on your genes and let us slap a label on you assembly line medicine approach is very off putting for many people ,we went from your long analysis sessions to " oh look we are out of time , your fifteen minutes is up " make another appointment in 3 months ,next . I don't see this approach as being beneficial, the urge to label you something that has an insurance billing code is great , yet what many patients want is what they are not going to get, someone to be a partner in resolving your issues ,not something that is working well as a strategy for helping people ,sure it's making big pharma all kinds of money and it's getting the pdoc paid but is it really in the best interest of the patient, to be so dismissive and money driven , I don't see it from my experience patients tend to come in and want to "unload" they are at crisis point and lacking the support they need ,and figure I will take a stab at "unloading " and instead of being heard they are shut down and pushed through the "system" and that initial inertia to unload and grow , gets stuffed deep down in side , keeping people stuck in the system of not being heard when they should have been talking until they ran out of words ,it all goes to trust,but ovef the years in the system that gets farther and farther ftom being dealt with " keeping people sick " longer , sometimes s lifetime .