☡How long?⚠

How long must I hold on for other people?

Then I think about my mom and grandfather and how much that would hurt them. Then there's my wife. She doesn't want me to die. But I'm so tired. So so tired.

By society's standard until you die naturally. I can say having tried with pills before it's difficult to do with pills. The body has built in mechanisms to support the human body's natural instinct for survival. No doubt your family will be destroyed by your death when they realize it is suicide.

They will be destroyed whenever I die regardless of the circumstances. If it's 50 years from now or 5 hours there will always be someone left behind that cares.

It's a different level of devastation. Trust me, I've watched 3 families go through it. The agony will haunt them for many years possibly a lifetime. I can't explain it.

ETA: I get the desperation of an attempt, even the thoughts. I will tell you that knowing what I have seen doesn't stop the thoughts for me but it has put a stopper on attempting. This is not judgment or meant to be a guilt trip...I'm just telling you what I have seen.

I hear you, I believe you feel tired and hopeless. I can't really know how it exactly feels for you, I've been feeling similar, but not the same maybe. For me it's like when I once fell suddenly in a pool of water because someone pushed me and all I could see was water around me and me going down and it felt like, this is it, I'm drowning and I have to accept it because it's happening and there's nothing else now, the whole world is water. But then, somehow, even if I did nothing, something pushed me. I started moving and even though I did nothing, next thing I know I was above the surface and I was grateful but more so, surprised. Why am I here, what happened? I don't know, my body didn't want to stay down, even when I'd let it go, it was just so natural for it to come up. So I accepted it and suddenly felt the fear and darkness I couldn't feel when I was going down, under. And I felt all these emotions, out of nowhere, surprise, fear, shame, elation, horror, happiness, gratitude. I felt so freaking vulnerable.

I don't know why I felt the need to share this with you, but I did.

I honestly believe no one can exactly know how someone else feels. You can have some idea, & may have experienced something similar. In the end though it's not the same.
Your experience sounds horrific. I'm glad you survived. Thank you for sharing that.

It is always for other people. I could never summon strength for myself. Not sure what I would do if my actions did not affect anyone. Do you suppose we might all give up at that point, or would we be able to breathe free? Can you feel that they are there for you, as you are there for them?

I don't know. My uncle tried. He went to a motel. We were all terrified because we could not find him. He is in so much pain. Too many deaths of loved ones, taken from him by illness and accident. Life seems cruel and there is nothing to say. Yet, that pain would only radiate into more lives, create more hardship, if he let it go like that. We found him safe. Every day is a struggle. I love him, but I can never say he is unjustified with how he feels.

No one knows the future, good or bad. If you are too tired to fight, let another fight for you. You are not alone.

Humpty Dumpty, I hope you will reconsider. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time and that you are so, so tired. I take it you've been fighting this for a long time? Would it help to reach out to your pdoc or therapist? Your family needs you. There is some small part of you that must want to live to post in the first place. Hang on and keep fighting. I just wanted to lend my support.

I do not have a pdoc or therapist. If I did I'm sure they would have had me locked up by now.
Yes I have been fighting this to various degrees for over 2 decades. Part of me does want to live. Yet I am so tired of pretending everything is ok. I'm tired of fighting to live.

That's a long time to fight. You're a warrior with battle scars. Are you open to a pdoc or therapist but mainly a pdoc? What if there is a med out there that could turn this around for you? True, I can never understand exactly how you feel but I do understand being too tired to fight to live anymore. Thinking of you....

I'm really sorry, Humpty, I wish I could help you somehow.. or at least give you an hug, a big, real, physical hug.

It's a catch 22. Yes I would be open to a pdoc if I could find one that I could trust. The problem is I don't trust any head doc (therapist or otherwise). I have had way to many reasons not to trust them. So unless my fairy godmother will magically find one that I can trust I wont ever talk to one.