Over the years, I have suffered with a great deal of self hatred. Even as a kid, I often wished that I was "someone else" other than me because I just hated me. I hated myself on a very, very deep level. However, it isn't like there was no reason for it. I really want to be able to get over this but I do not know how. As years went on, I kind of embraced the self hatred and built almost a sort of persona around self hatred. I accepted myself as "no good" but this is something I want to change. I do, unfortunately, have some reasons for hating myself.

One of which is that I am pretty socially awkward, possibly being on the autism spectrum. Whether or not I actually have autism has been something that my parents and I have debated for a long time and it has come to the attention of a clinician once who seemed unsure and recommended an expensive assessment which I did not get. Over the years, I have always been made to feel embarrassed about my autistic traits by my family and those around me. They would always say the things I did were 'embarrassing' and in some ways maybe they were (e.g. saying mildly inappropriate things in public, arguing in public, etc.) I always had a hard time with public and private to some extent, blurting things out, this was probably my main trait of autism over the years. Still I have had some successes socially, but they have often been relatively shallow relationships except for the one good friend I had as a kid who turned his back on me. Also, probably as a result of autism, I have been harassed by local police and was arrested for no reason at all (e.g. they were suspecting me of driving on drugs when I was sober as confirmed by a blood test)

Possibly as a result of all this, I have been harassed by both of my siblings despite the fact that they are both adults. Particularly my sister who would always mock me and encourage her kids to mock me as well. For some reason, being a passive person, I would often put up with this from people. My parents would stick up for me sometimes with this, but sometimes when I 'acted up' it was seen as acceptable for my brother to be mean to me. Also, sometimes when I 'acted up' or did things that were wrong, my parents would always compare me to someone else and say how they wouldn't do anything quite like that.

I have always had somewhat of a passive quality about me. I still am like this to some extent. I just kind of go along with other people, rarely challenging others. It often seems against my nature to really stand on my own. My parents did not like this much and always encouraged me 'not to be a follower' but I couldn't really help it as this was sort of my nature.

The other thing, and my brother is kind of like this as well but nowhere near as much as me, is that I tend to be sensitive in a way that most other guys don't. Sometimes relatively small things can hurt my feelings or upset me, sometimes for a good while until other people attempt to pull me out of it which is often unsuccessful. I could never accept this trait of myself when I was younger as I saw it as not masculine and 'gay'.

If all that was not enough, when I went to college I was sitting in my room and I randomly, out of nowhere, fantasized about other men and after this, these fantasies continued for some time although I never wished to or had any interest in acting on them. I always liked women and only had fantasies involving women. Despite being a total failure with women, I always have been attracted to women and very strongly so. I always have had dreams of one day having a girlfriend although at times this seemed out of reach and it still has never happened. That business I was talking about confused and frightened me greatly due to the sudden and random nature of it. I never really felt compelled to act on these fantasies but nevertheless it caused me a great deal of distress at the time, especially considering my history and utter failure in relationships with women. Of course, it deepened my sense of myself as an unacceptable person and caused me to descend yet further into my world of lunacy and self hatred. It also made me feel like I didn't really know myself much and given the things I have said previously, this scared me a lot.

Anyways, my question is does anyone else struggle with this sort of self hatred and self loathing? and how did you overcome it? I have always felt "unacceptable".

[tranchante.baby]

I struggle everyday. My psychiatrist says I'm so angry at myself and I hate myself so much I actually spend all my energy on that and my pain duplicates, if not worse. I wish I could tell you how to overcome this, but I just don't know. I just feel like the most unacceptable human error on earth.

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[CANDC]

Steve, self hatred and loathing seem to be a result of early discouragement or punishment from following our natural tendencies, our path through life. So many times you brave the possibility of rejection and say I want to do __________

All to often the response is you can't do that! So instead of following the natural pathway to where we are going, we end up in some deadend road to lower self esteem.

These articles might suggest pathways to higher self esteem
Psych Central - Search results for Self-esteem
This forum might be of interest
Steps to Better Self-Esteem - Forums at Psych Central

All the best to you

[JohnCrow]

Let me know. THIS I would love to know

[AstridLovelight]

Yes, I've dealt with feelings of self-loathing and self-hatred on and off throughout my life. And I guess the first thing I'd want to say to you is congratulations . . . recognizing and wanting to address the self-hatred you experience and sharing your story so honestly and eloquently is, IMO, such a courageous act. There is, in fact, a part of you which obviously loves yourself very much, or else you wouldn't be taking the steps you are towards changing. So take a moment to appreciate and thank yourself for what you've done

There are all sorts of different modalities and techniques for developing self-compassion. If New Age/New Thought type of things appeal to you you might want to check out the writings of Louise Hay

Louise Hay - Official Website of Author Louise Hay

From a Zen perspective there's Cheri Huber

Cheri Huber - Zen Student, Teacher, Writer

If you'd like something more scientific I'd recommend the concept of Unconditional Self Acceptance found in Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (my personal favorite)

The Philosophy of Unconditional Acceptance | The Tao of Recovery

From a post on this site I've recently discovered and started using Compassion Focused Therapy as well

Compassion Focused Therapy Worksheets, Handouts, Resources and Techniques | Psychology Tools

Self-compassion - A Healthier Way of Relating to Yourself

Or I would also recommend, very seriously, to just watch a bunch of Mr. Rogers clips on youtube.

I hope this might be of some help. You are very much acceptable, just the way you are.

[tz90]

Hey Steve,

I've experienced similar things and yes, I don't like myself for being socially awkward.
My uncle and my mom to some extent have always thought I was autistic. So I've read up on all the symptoms and traits of autism and honestly, that's not me all. There are no obsessions, no problem with touching people, nothing can suck me up that much that I forget my surroundings for an unusual amount of time etc. Asperger seems more likely, but there's no problem with reading other people's body language, maintaining eye contact or trying to put myself into other peoples shoes etc, so it seems just unlikely.
If that sounds similar to you, that you don't have these problems but people suspect you for having autism, screw them for thinking that.

I'm convinced that lack of social interaction due to shyness and confidence issues are the true reasons for my poor social skills. And your case does sound similar to mine.

[Fuzzybear]

[Altered Moment]

I can honestly say that years ago I overcame self hatred, self loathing, shame, low self esteem and came to a place of self acceptance. Accepting myself and loving myself exactly as I am. It took a lot of hard work and different techniques and the help of lots of people. I will share what I think is the most powerful way. I had many many what I considered valid reasons to hate myself. To me it was more self loathing and shame than hate. Same difference i guess.

I am not a religious person. I would say i am very spiritual but I don't think that matters. I believe you can be an atheist or a bible thumper and there are still things that are just true. Universal truths. I believe the absolute most powerful way to overcome self hatred is through forgiveness. Above all you deserve the forgiveness of yourself for yourself. It is through forgiving others that you forgive yourself. It is through forgiving yourself that you forgive others. It is not easy and takes practice. It is through lots of hard work and by practicing lots of techniques and having a good support network of people who will validate you and accept you as you are that you can achieve self forgiveness and self acceptance. I am not saying I am perfect at it or never feel ashamed or beat myself up, we all do. But I am pretty at peace and content with who I am despite all my character flaws.

"Hatred corrodes the vessel that contains it."

[tallulahxoxo]

There are some very good books that helped me.
1. You Can Be Happy No Matter What by Richard Carlson
2. Psycho Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz, the 1969 version (I believe this book is magical lol)

[Outflamef]

Dialectical Behavior Therapy and a good therapist have helped curb my self loathing a great deal. I guess I would call it sporadic self criticism rather than self loathing now.

[lily245]

Originally Posted by tallulahxoxo

There are some very good books that helped me.
2. Psycho Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz, the 1969 version (I believe this book is magical lol)

I'm reading it right now, that book is amazing!

[Sunflower123]

I will look into those 2 books. I noticed this was first posted in 2015. I wonder if the original poster was able to overcome his self hatred and how he did so.

[Whydoibother]

Any chance you're a Scorpio? Lol. What you talked about really got me. It's beyond frustrating when you feel like the odd ball, the weirdo.... I've often tried to embrace this but it never lasts. Insecurity, embarrassment and all kinds of self-loathing always wins. I'd like to think there's a way to get over this but I really doubt there is.