[Aloe]

Ok, quick backround; I was off work for around four weeks due to Major depressive disorder. I'm due to go back on tuesday. I feel like my depression has "lifted" and feel fit to return to work, but i still have a couple of issues.

So the depression got to the stage where i think i experienced some physios. I kept hearing my name whispered when i was alone in my room and i felt hands touching me a few times, i also felt a lot of paranoia in the form of others persecuting me. This these thoughts went away, but now i feel they are back.

As soon as i leave my flat everyone stares at me and talks about me, I see people laughing at me too. This causes large amounts of anxiety for me, I find it very frightening and difficult to ignore. i was on a crowed bus yesterday and the looks got to much and i just got off before i needed to.

Is paranoia and feeling like every one hates you/ talks about you a normal part of low self esteem and depression? I have been told by many it is irrational, i still believe they are just trying to shut me up though.

One other thing, when i'm sitting in my room and the window is open i hear constant whispers. Its really odd because it sounds like the voice is in my ear, although very quite. another way it sounds is if there are tiny people on the floor, which i'm aware sounds silly, its just the way it seems. My flat is on the 5th floor,so yes the window open exposes sounds of people outside, but the whispers sound like the voices are near me (i cant tell what they are saying) shutting the window stops the voices though, but its very hot so id like the window open its just very annoying and distracting.

I live in the UK so i need to wait a few weeks (maybe more) for an NHS psychiatrist, unfortunately i cant afford a private one. I have a docs appointment in two weeks (shes on holiday)

i guess i'd just like some advice, personal experience. Is this maybe a sign i'm not ready to go back to work? Mood wise i feel fine (btw i wasn't diagnosed with any psychosis. (my gp doesn't like to diagnose as shes not that experienced in mental health issues, she just passed me on to psychiatry)

[Sunflower123]

Yes, it is a concern. Please see your pdoc soon. Can you get an earlier appointment? I don't know what to tell you about work. It might be ok if you can keep it under control. Good luck and best wishes. I'm rooting for you!!!

[Aloe]

Thanks Jennifer I could get an earlier appointment, but it wouldn't be with my usual Doctor. Its annoying, as pretty much every doctors appointment i've had recently, concerning whats been happening, has been at a time where my mood has been good/stable. During those times i don't express how distressed ive been feeling, if i'm not actively feeling bad. I did tell her I thought i still needed to see a psychiatrist, because my mood is up and down and very changeable, Also i'm bit concerned with the voices i hear and the paranoia is really effecting my life strongly.

[Aloe]

these symptoms are accompanied by feelings of worthlessness and shame. Its like i am two people and one is looking down on the each and making me feel small and pathetic, that my life is worthless and im an embarrassment.

I'm really scared

[Spiritually]

Paranoia is a symptom of low-self esteem. I always feel that people are laughing and talking about me everywhere I go. This is because I have social anxiety and low-self esteem. However, I never heard whispers when I'm alone or felt that hands were touching me. That sounds like something else.

[Sunflower123]

Please see the pdoc with an earlier appointment so if you are having problems you can start treatment sooner. Please don't feel ashamed. I'm sorry about your low self esteem...I have that as well. I hope you feel better soon. Please let us know how it goes.

[kkrrhh]

I think this can kind of just happen, where once depression gets that bad those types of symptoms can linger afterward longer than you'd realize. I've had 2 depressions that got low enough to experience some psychotic depression type symptoms, and it did seem like some of those symptoms kind of stuck around mildly as I was getting better.

For one thing, that negativity, those experiences of the world where you're sure people are hating you and talking about you, are still stuck in your head. It might take some more positive or normal experiences to kind of slowly finish "convincing" those thoughts to leave your mind. Also, even though a lot of depression symptoms may be gone, you've still been experiencing that constant berating of yourself by depression for a while... it may take a bit of getting back to life to build your self esteem back up, and while it's that low it can still contribute to paranoia.

I would guess stress also could bring back a (hopefully) temporary rise in those symptoms again. With work it would depend... do you think you're really just not ready, that it'd be too much stress and some time off would really help? Or do you feel like, once you get over the initial hurdle, getting back into the world could help you continue recovering and raise your self esteem? I know sometimes I may not "feel" ready, but pushing myself to get back into the world and not have too much time to think helps me continue recovery somewhat. At the same time, if you're still at a point where you're just not ready that's ok, too.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's scary. Try to cling to the parts of you that are feeling better, remember that these are just symptoms you're still having. Do you see a therapist or would you be able to see one, or even just try some CBT on your own?

[Aloe]

Thanks for the reply, Kkrrhh. Could you elaborate on the symptoms you got and that lingered? Hope that's not too personal and if it is i understand if you'd rather not say.