[laracroft3]

Just trying this out to see if it helps in any way...

I've been feeling strange for a while now. I ruined a relationship with someone I love and it doesn't help to fully understand that I was the cause of so much crap. I'm really trying to get better and look at things differently.

I hate my job so I'm looking elsewhere.
I feel spacey and zone out A LOT so I'm doing yoga every night.
I journal on my laptop every night.
I'm getting into the habit of eating healthier.
I'm going to therapy - although I'm not completely honest because she doesn't ask the right questions.

But yet I still notice that I have 'episodes' where i feel extreme panic as if I'm afraid of myself committing suicide. I get REALLY nervous - crying, difficulty breathing, thoughts of death, racing thoughts, electric shocks in my arms/veins - then it turns silent. As if I have no feelings at all! I just go BLANK. And during these episodes I've called my ex and of course I look so pathetic as if I'm trying to get his attention. So he gets angry at it. But he was literally my only friend, my best friend. So I guess I don't have anyone I trust. And I have to just learn how to stick it out myself. But it's not a "oh don't worry you'll get over it" kind of thing which it seems people don't understand. I feel so strange about these things. Is this Bi-Polar disorder?

The day after an episode or just later on in the same day I always feel like I got electrocuted! I even feel as if my hair is standing and I could barely see through my puffy eyes.

It's like the song Even Deeper - Nine Inch Nails.
I just don't know what to do and I'm trying my best to make sure I don't have another episode any time soon at least.

[Sunflower123]

If your therapist is not asking the right questions, you need to bring it up and be honest with her. How else can she help you? I encourage you to see your family doctor or a psychiatrist about your other symptoms. I agree that something is going on but we don't have the information to diagnose here on PC. I hope you'll continue to post and let us know how you're doing.

[laracroft3]

Thanks for the reply. I know I have to be more honest and I will make that attempt. I guess it feels weird to say those things to someone face to face - that's a stranger. I'm used to being alone and I avoid talking deeply with anyone. I just try to find songs that are similiar to how I feel and that's helps a little knowing that I'm understood by someone.

[Sunflower123]

Condolences on the loss of your old friend. Yes, I agree that could be a trigger. Please be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Take care.