Even Deeper

Just trying this out to see if it helps in any way...

I've been feeling strange for a while now. I ruined a relationship with someone I love and it doesn't help to fully understand that I was the cause of so much crap. I'm really trying to get better and look at things differently.

I hate my job so I'm looking elsewhere.
I feel spacey and zone out A LOT so I'm doing yoga every night.
I journal on my laptop every night.
I'm getting into the habit of eating healthier.
I'm going to therapy - although I'm not completely honest because she doesn't ask the right questions.

But yet I still notice that I have 'episodes' where i feel extreme panic as if I'm afraid of myself committing suicide. I get REALLY nervous - crying, difficulty breathing, thoughts of death, racing thoughts, electric shocks in my arms/veins - then it turns silent. As if I have no feelings at all! I just go BLANK. And during these episodes I've called my ex and of course I look so pathetic as if I'm trying to get his attention. So he gets angry at it. But he was literally my only friend, my best friend. So I guess I don't have anyone I trust. And I have to just learn how to stick it out myself. But it's not a "oh don't worry you'll get over it" kind of thing which it seems people don't understand. I feel so strange about these things. Is this Bi-Polar disorder?

The day after an episode or just later on in the same day I always feel like I got electrocuted! I even feel as if my hair is standing and I could barely see through my puffy eyes.

It's like the song Even Deeper - Nine Inch Nails.
I just don't know what to do and I'm trying my best to make sure I don't have another episode any time soon at least.

If your therapist is not asking the right questions, you need to bring it up and be honest with her. How else can she help you? I encourage you to see your family doctor or a psychiatrist about your other symptoms. I agree that something is going on but we don't have the information to diagnose here on PC. I hope you'll continue to post and let us know how you're doing.

Thanks for the reply. I know I have to be more honest and I will make that attempt. I guess it feels weird to say those things to someone face to face - that's a stranger. I'm used to being alone and I avoid talking deeply with anyone. I just try to find songs that are similiar to how I feel and that's helps a little knowing that I'm understood by someone.

Condolences on the loss of your old friend. Yes, I agree that could be a trigger. Please be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Take care.