[seesaw]

So, for background, my Dx is severe chronic treatment-resistant Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder, and mild agoraphobia.

I've been back at work and off of disability for about 18 months now. I have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks, but I use my coping skills and I take my meds and I just try to stick to it, hoping that someday I may be a shade of the woman I used to be.

I used to be like a freaking superhero. I was athletic, I worked long hours, but didn't care, I ran marathons every weekend, ran around 50 miles a week just as part of my usual routine, cooked, kept house, was successful at my job, and could get any guy I wanted.

So yeah, then things went wrong, stuff from my childhood blew up - not going to go into detail here - and I went off the deep end. 7 hospitalizations, quick approval onto SSDI, committed twice for "suicide attempts" that weren't - SH isn't suicide. But then did voluntarily go inpatient because I thought I might hurt myself once.

I did a residential treatment program, and later a partial hospitalization program.

Anyways...where I'm at now...My energy is used to get through the work day...and I enjoy the work day. I've interspersed exercise into my work day by taking many "walking breaks" with some coworkers, so I can get 10,000 steps a day. I eat healthy and appropriate portions. I take care of my two dogs and they take care of me and give me joy.

But I'm still just flat. Down. Depressed. Sometimes I can find some motivation by daydreaming I'm someone else, but sometimes I'm too stressed or tired to dissociate in this positive way (not all dissocation is negative).

Every night, after my nightly walk, I pour myself my 24 oz tumbler of ice water (I drink over 100 oz of water a day - I barely drink caffeine - I try to use exercise and cold water to stay awake - because caffeine screws up my sleep, and I have a terrible sleep disorder). And I start measuring out my pills for the night:

• 1, 150mg of Effexor
• 75 mg of Effexor
• 4, 100mg of Vistiril
• 1 birth control pill
• ,1, 50 mg of Zoloft
• Optional: 1-2 mg of Xanax
• (We;re changing the Xanax to k-pin)
• Leftover Prazosin - when the nightmares get bad, I sneak 2-5mg of Prazosin from my leftover Rx

I take all these pills, and I'm often tempted to, take an extra Xanax or 10mg of Prazosin, and just allow myself to drift on in my sleep. Tomorrow won't be anything different. My struggle will continue forever, and I have trouble thinking of anything positive in my life - and I don't count having a job and basic stuff as positive things in my life. I mean friends, family, things to actually have a cause/reason to fight and live and create change.

Writing this right now, I know I need to discuss this with my pdoc next week. She always commends me for how well I handle myself and work to adapt to work again and manage my disorders...but she doesn't understand the paragraph I just wrote above...that the depression is overwhelming. I feel hopeless. I'm not angry. I'm very at peace with it. No one would miss me. My dogs have their own social followings who would adopt them in a second. (Geez, Astro has a list of people waiting in line in case anything happens to me.)

I'm sort of over alcohol. I had a cocktail this afternoon, and it just doesn't feel worth it anymore. I used to be a "happy drunk" (not that I was ever a drunk - 1 drink is my limit because I'm a light weight). Now I'm just a depressed sad drunk. So I can't even bother enjoying a beer, and I used to love tasting microbrews, or wine tasting, because it just makes me more depressed, if that's even possible.

I just have all these meds...what's to stop me from just taking a little extra, curling up in my bed with my boys, and floating away?

Seesaw

[seesaw]

I dunno if I expected a response to this or not, but I was chatting with one of my Facebook friends, whom I've never met in person, and she called cops to come do a welfare check. And of course, it was at 3am, and I was out like a light for once, and even taking another dose of meds didn't help me get back to sleep.

Sigh. At least someone cared.

Seesaw

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry, seesaw.. I understand your depression might be hard. But I hope you'll decide to stick with us.. lots of people will miss you - if not in real life, definitely here. Stay strong, seesaw.. and many hugs.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. The reason to stick around is because your answer might be just over the horizon. Give yourself credit for working. That's a big deal too many of us. I hope you feel better soon. Hang in there. I'm here if you need to talk or vent. Best wishes.

[seesaw]

Yeah, but it's just work. It's not a purpose. I just don't even feel alive. I just feel like a robot that needs to be traded in for the next best version.

[seesaw]

Well, even after the 3am wake up call from the police to see if I was alright, I still want to just float away. Even tonight, when I started to feel good and got my adrenaline up and endorphins helping me feel better, it still doesn't change how I feel about just wishing I could just check out.

[unaluna]

Good ol catholic guilt keeps me going. Theres always somebody who could use my help. Even if its just somebody on pc? Not really sure how helpful i am, maybe we're more of a "mutual aggravation society" - instead of mutual admiration society, is what they used to call them in the old days, heh heh... plus, where would my friends swim? Its only a couple of times a summer, but still. Guilt. You can have some of mine, i got plenty!

[it'sgrowtime]

You're a mighty woman, seesaw...then and now. you have so much strength and ability! Im reading a lot into your feelings of wanting to float away...I'm thinking theyre your fatigue of "having" to prove yourself, or suppress youself, to others whose rules aren't fair or right. I've SO felt that myself, so maybe I'm projecting. One day I thought about these people, their beliefs, and decisions...and I accepted that I knew they were wrong. Yes, they held some power in their own realm, and if I wanted to fit into their realm I'd have to bend myself into their shape
....But, I don't want to! It was a freeing thought, and I laughed hysterically about it. When I feel oppressed and rejected by these people, I remember that free feeling and laughter that accompanied my appreciation for my own personal beliefs and power.
Please stay safe, seesaw. I believe in you

Originally Posted by seesaw

• 1, 150mg of Effexor
• 75 mg of Effexor
• 4, 100mg of Vistiril
• 1 birth control pill
• ,1, 50 mg of Zoloft
• Optional: 1-2 mg of Xanax
• (We;re changing the Xanax to k-pin)
• Leftover Prazosin - when the nightmares get bad, I sneak 2-5mg of Prazosin from my leftover Rx

I take all these pills, and I'm often tempted to, take an extra Xanax or 10mg of Prazosin, and just allow myself to drift on in my sleep. Tomorrow won't be anything different. My struggle will continue forever, and I have trouble thinking of anything positive in my life - and I don't count having a job and basic stuff as positive things in my life. I mean friends, family, things to actually have a cause/reason to fight and live and create change.

...that the depression is overwhelming.

I'm sort of over alcohol. I had a cocktail this afternoon, and it just doesn't feel worth it anymore. I used to be a "happy drunk" (not that I was ever a drunk - 1 drink is my limit because I'm a light weight). Now I'm just a depressed sad drunk.

Seesaw--So many pills and it seems like so many of your posts convey a sense of never giving up no matter how much work it requires on your part. Just your postings/insight on here are freakin awesome. And you work long hours at a job that requires concentration/is stressful--you are still a superhero. I do not know how you do it on so many meds. You anxiety (from PTSD, learned growing up, and/or part of your temperament) has you in overdrive. I do not know what your finances are (and don't expect you to divulge them) but if you have the savings to allow you to go back on disability for a while-I wonder if you need a long (6 months/ a year?) rest. After my attempt in 2015--I was awarded disability 6 months later (like you, it was quickly approved--I applied on line and got it). I was extremely depressed and a physical mess when I got it but all this forced time off has helped me heal. I am starting over again. Feel like I may be able to handle working again, am applying, have an upcoming interview for an insignificant job. I've reassessed my life, up, down, round and round, and am wanting to find lower stress jobs even if that means multiple part time jobs (sometimes the part time or contract jobs seem less stressful to me than salaried positions). I don't know if this is a possibility for you--you may have high rent but you are driving yourself way to hard---I am worried about you. It is easy to see why you are depressed. Be gentle with yourself--your self expectations are extremely high. I know you are taking some time off but you have been on a treadmill that may require a lot of time to decompress. You are awesome inside and out whether you work or not!! Please take care of yourself. I think you are taking way to many meds to help you sleep because you are overworking yourself. Most of the meds that help us sleep (I occassionally take xanax) help but with prolonged use we build up tolerance and it is impossible to cut back (there's withdrawal) when you have a stressful life/are pushing yourself so hard. Working or not, you are just as special now as you have always been. If you can't quit your job then use that super brain of yours to figure out how to rearrange things at work whenever you can to work less hours and have time to just do nothing. This is probably to much advice but maybe one thing (I doubt it ALL fits) will help....

[reb569]

Originally Posted by seesaw

Well, even after the 3am wake up call from the police to see if I was alright, I still want to just float away. Even tonight, when I started to feel good and got my adrenaline up and endorphins helping me feel better, it still doesn't change how I feel about just wishing I could just check out.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. You have been dealing with a lot and it has taken a toll on you. Please continue to reach out here. I don't have much for advice (emotionally I'm numb), but I do care.

[seesaw]

Thank you all. I really don't think it's the meds. All I take for sleep is Vistiril which is a non habit forming hystamine. And I take the prazosin when the nightmares have been bad. If I didn't take something to help me sleep, I would.not get any sleep, because I would fall asleep and wake up an hour later and not be able to get back to sleep. And I get 60 to 90 minutes of exercise every day and eat healthy and limit caffeine greatly.