[anjelmarie]

because I let depression ruin my life. I'm so negative and I do the dumbest things. I sabotage myself and I don't seem to know how to change. I'm behind in taxes, I finally went and had some of them done, I don't owe anything I'm due money back. I got two checks and they refused to give me the others because I waited so long. I had to have my T and my Dr. write that I am in treatment for major depression and then I had to write also that when I'm depressed I don't do things I'm supposed to do. So 2 months later they send me the checks. They must have felt sorry for me because the letters did make me seem really pathetic. But I can't cash them because I let my bank account close because I didn't pay the money I owed them for being overdrawn. I can't even tell you the amount because I'm too embarrassed. There is no excuse. I let my license expire and before that my insurace. I haven't even been driving, my car died a while ago but I never sent back the plates so I know I have a fine for that. I can go on and on about what else stupid I've done but I won't. My bf is sick of it, he is so mad. I'm mad at myself and don't know why I do it. Meanwhile I feel alone and unloved and misunderstood, even by my bf. I don't know how to change things. I don't want to leave the house I don't even want to get up to shower and dress. I'm a mess!!! Thank god I have this site where people can relate (maybe not to this though). But you always are supportive and not critical and I need that so thank you.

[Envision]

Sounds like full blown depression to me. No energy for anything, and its controlling you. Wish there was a magic wand to make everything better. Have you tried med's, they seem to work well for some people? Is there even just one thing you do that makes you happy?

[anjelmarie]

Not really. I'm so down on myself for being such a screw up and I feel a failure I can't find anything to be happy about. I'm not working my bf is struggling to pay all the bills, I feel guilt about that. Our phone and internet service is about to be cut off too and he is going to be really upset about that. I can't stand it anymore. And its my own damn fault.

[Envision]

Is it your fault your depressed? I don't think anyone has depression on their top 10 things they want in life. So its not all your fault, try another reason. What are you going to do?

[anjelmarie]

Thanks envision for your support. I tell myself its the depression but the things I do are so unneccessary and damaging to myself and to others sometimes. I can't always blame depression. Nobody wants to hear all the time, oh its my depression. No one cares. I'm sorry to be so negative but I can't help it I'm just being realistic.

[Envision]

Wrong that no one cares. I care and so do others. And you can blame the depression, you didn't ask for it and neither did anyone else! We all do the best we can with what resources we have, emotional and otherwise. Who wouldn't chose to be happy? Its just sometimes the sadness makes us feel like we are doing nothing and it our fault, even when were giving 100%.

[Lostforevermore]

Anjelmarie you're not alone...I have done alot of the same things as you. I don't have a bank account anymore either for the same reason as you. I don't have a job but I havn't told my family. I lie and pretend to go to work everyday cause I live with my parents. They are basically paying for all my food and stuff. I stopped talking to all my friends and I only see my family when my parents force me. I lie all the time. I haven't even really been looking for a new job and it's been over eight months since my last job. I'm ruining my life and I don't really care...

[LoneScout]

anjelmarie - U R my hero for being so honest, good for you. I CARE!
1st don't blame yourself, you are suffering from a chemical imbalance called depression. You would blame a physically disabled person for not being able to do the high jump, so why should you blame yourself for your challenges? LOVE yourself, care, write down 5 good things about yourself, read it everymorning, you deserve to live, you deserve to be happy.. I come from a very dark place, and have sought help.. now I can help others...
a plan for you could be: healthy eating, exercise, antidepressants or herbals, social support (church, groups, anything...)
You can do it.
For it can be the darkest before the light

Hello, anjelmarie. Make a to do list. Prioritize. It may be helpful to take along the letter(s) from your therapist and doctor when you go about undoing to the extent possible what has been done.

Good luck. Be kind to yourself, you are a valuable member of this Community.

[1flagwriter]

anjelmarie,

Would you read my Thread called, "On Depression". Evaluate what is going on in your life and then compare it to what is said in that thread.

Major Depression is a serious illness and will incapacitate you if you allow it to. Fortuantely for those of us who suffer it's grip, there is treatment options. You just have to get up, and go after them. It can be defeated, but you have to act now.

May your day be filled with sunshine and your night with starlight! Wishing you a speedy recovery!

[englishteacher]

anjelmarie...I'm right behind you doing the same destructive stuff, but blaming ourselves is not going to help us get better.

I have to agree with lonescout. Would you blame yourself if you had cancer? Depression is scary, dangerous stuff. It eats away at you like a cancer, so treat it that way - go to a doctor. Make a choice to take care of yourself. I know it's hard. I'm struggling with the same. The people here will support you and listen to you and care about you, even if you don't feel like you deserve it. Why? Because you DO deserve it. Take care of yourself and keep us posted. We worry about others and care about what happens to you! (((((anjelmarie)))))

[Envision]

How about an update. Has even one good thing/feeling happened since you posted?

[1flagwriter]

How are you doing, anjelmarie?

[Wish76]

I was this depressed at one point. This severity lasted about 3 years. I was also self medicating. The point came where I felt so bad that I was suicidal so instead I searched for help. I started extreme therapy 3 times a week for the first 6 months. The best lesson that my wonderful therapist taught me was "Don't be so hard in yourself. There's plenty of people willing to be hard on you. You're the only person who can give yourself the break you need to take a deep breath and get your life back together."she taught me that just getting up and going to see her was a victory considering my state. Slowly I fixed on thing at a time. The best part was that every time I did something, anything, after talking about it and tracking it with my therapist, I felt a little bit better. I believe in CBT. But we have to really want it for it to work. I know it's really hard when you're close to hitting bottom, but you can do it. It's got to be all about you though. Everyone else has to come second. That means boyfriend also. If you're like me then you may live with depression long term so learning how to cope and what works for you will help you long term. PS. I find that seeing last year psych students is great because they are using cutting edge practices and are also very motivated to help. They haven't been worn down yet. Plus they work on sliding scale. fees. :-)