my first thought today: why do I always count down the days to death?

Possible trigger:

the voices in my head have always made it clear to me that I will die on a sunday afternoon at 4 PM (i've posted this somewhere before)

so when I'm close to a sunday, I always count it down

then sunday comes and it never happens and I start the countdown again to the next sunday

sunday should be a happy day, right?. sunday should be a time to celebrate.

celebrate i've lived another week

celebrate life

but It's not that

sunday seems to celebrate everything I fail in

that's why I don't like it, I think.

didn't enjoy my breakfast too much (not enough marmite on the toast!)

still feeling a little ill from my pizza yesterday too, so it plays a part..

feeling quite empty and stuff.

not really feeling much

[Rose76]

Haven't been to bed yet, but had a good reason to stay up. But now I don't.

Feeling good in general.

so I had to change my hair appointment to next week, since my mental health worker wants to come and see me thursday morning (she probhably won't actually show up, but have to give her the benifit, right?)

anyway she found out I'd put in a complaint about her- and she is not happy about it

(I don't look forward much to that conversation!)

I also watched a movie called away, which turned out okay- their were a few triggers in it, but it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be

got some bills this afternoon, which are just lying unopened on my desk, and my emergency grocery delivery which i've put away

yeah.. feeling better this afternoon than I was this morning

[MatBell]

I'm going to start a part time job at a hotel as a night porter. I'm going to be up all night. I hope I can manage it. First shift is this friday.

Originally Posted by MatBell

I'm going to start a part time job at a hotel as a night porter. I'm going to be up all night. I hope I can manage it. First shift is this friday.

Hoping for the best, Mat. Good luck.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by MatBell

I'm going to start a part time job at a hotel as a night porter. I'm going to be up all night. I hope I can manage it. First shift is this friday.

I hope you enjoy your new job and that everything goes smoothly. Good luck.

[Olanza-what?]

It seems I am constantly dealing with one health issue after another...why bother ya know what I mean. It's getting to be just too much. I get tired of vague information from doctors and not being direct. Why bother posting results without saying what the results are. All these parameters, short term terminology, analogy and hypothesis is a pain in the ***, why not say what the heck you mean or it means?

Okay, so, I did another sleep study to have my current cpap machine adjusted so that I can be compliant and use it like I'm suppose to. The results are in and it states 4 issues with the possibility of it being this or that with the recommendation of cpap, a bunch of numbers and some other scribble that makes sense only to doctors. Why give the patient their results in doctor code as if the patient can understand it.

Okay, so I took each word of the 4 issues and broke them down, googled them etc.. and what I have derived from all the mumble jumble is that I have what is called; Complex sleep apnea, REM Sleep Behavior Disorder, treatment emergent central apnea...yada yada, yada and summing it up, clinical correlation is advised what is that suppose to mean, I looked it up to and think I understand what it means, doesn't matter anyway.

It seems my heart and brain are in disagreement as to whether or not I should breathe.

Originally Posted by Olanza-what?

It seems my heart and brain are in disagreement as to whether or not I should breathe.

Don't you just love that you had to go and do the work yourself to be able to understand it in plain English?

[Olanza-what?]

Originally Posted by Bjørnen

Don't you just love that you had to go and do the work yourself to be able to understand it in plain English?

I am furious! It doesn't make sense. I've been reading the results for the last 2 days and am about to lose my ever lovin mind!

[Sunflower123]

I had a nice visit with my daughter this weekend. Thanks to the advice of a brilliant poster on PC, we are communicating better than ever. I'm not depressed but I find myself getting back into the habit of staying on PC all day and watching politics. This is not the lifestyle or routine I worked out to start when she went off to college. I need to work on having a better balance so nothing gets left out and I handle my responsibilities.

Hugs to all who are struggling. (((((Hugs)))))

[PsychNitrous]

It feels like there's no relief, I'm constantly struggling just to survive. I want to do something to get rid of all this stress, but my usual options aren't possible right now. I wish I could try some other things, but I don't feel like I have time to even consider anything else.

[Fuzzybear]

For uk people... I've never put in a complaint about a mental health worker ... maybe I wish I had, I don't know. I thought I'd have something horrible and detrimental to me in my records, for one thing, if I put in a complaint. But as it is I receive very little help. How could I, for one thing I rarely talk to them

[Fuzzybear]

I wish my MU (maternal unit) had given a crap about me.

I wish I had a daughter, a son, a pet. No

I wish I could live with polar bears

[Rose76]

It's been a long day. But I'm satisfied I spent it pretty well.

Feeling like I'm in the swing of things now. It seems like lately at my job I'm not as much in love with it as I've been before. I'm getting some feelings that it's going down the drain. It seems like it's not that busy. Two people that I work with may be gone by next week. They have been working with me for quite a few years. I was fortunate that I got picked up by a new company when my contract ran out. One other guy told me yesterday that he had a disagreement with the new company (he, too, got picked up by the same company as me) and may quit. And then the cleaning lady never got a call from that company and she was supposed to work with them. I guess as it turns out, she will remain with the old company and will work elsewhere. And now, who will do the cleaning at where I work? I feel so sorry for her, even though I never really liked her. She will now have to commute much longer than she does now. And she does not have a car.

The fleeting sense of emotional indestructibility has returned again. Why do I only feel this drive return at unpredictable hours of the night? I would love to utilize this feeling right now and go do something crazy, maybe perform again. Go sign up for the open mic, just for the heck of it. But I have meetings and appointments in the morning. I need sleep, and by tomorrow, this will have faded, the spell lifted, and I'll be a trembling chihuahua again.

.........................shouldn't have taken a nap.................

I am useless

[Olanza-what?]

Originally Posted by Bjørnen

The fleeting sense of emotional indestructibility has returned again. Why do I only feel this drive return at unpredictable hours of the night? I would love to utilize this feeling right now and go do something crazy, maybe perform again. Go sign up for the open mic, just for the heck of it. But I have meetings and appointments in the morning. I need sleep, and by tomorrow, this will have faded, the spell lifted, and I'll be a trembling chihuahua again.

I hope your morning is successful and your day uneventful.....be goood to you my friend!

[PsychNitrous]

Had the worst dream this morning. I still lived with my parents, and my boyfriend came over with a bunch of friends to play video games all night. They were all his friends though, and I'm the morning my mom talked to me about not having any friends myself. It hurt, still hurts, because I don't have any friends. I have no one besides my parents and my boyfriend. It feels so lonely.

Originally Posted by emptynightmare

.........................shouldn't have taken a nap.................

I am useless

Why do you always say negative things about yourself?

Please remember that your struggles are helping me.

Thank you friend

Originally Posted by PsychNitrous

Had the worst dream this morning. I still lived with my parents, and my boyfriend came over with a bunch of friends to play video games all night. They were all his friends though, and I'm the morning my mom talked to me about not having any friends myself. It hurt, still hurts, because I don't have any friends. I have no one besides my parents and my boyfriend. It feels so lonely.

boyfriend=boy+friend...so you do have a friend

[PsychNitrous]

Originally Posted by Desiree2006

boyfriend=boy+friend...so you do have a friend

And he is my best friend. I just feel weird sometimes that I don't have any girl friends to hang out with, or anyone to invite over or go out with. But he has so many friends, who he can invite over or go out with, and I feel left out sometimes.

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

((((((( fuzzy ))))))))

I don't care if you're "mad" and I don't care if you're a "success" or a "failure" in the perception of the World,

Keep being the best bear you can and respectfully point the finger at the judgers and people who don't appreciate you. I know it's hard being fuzzy bear

Respectful regards

I am proud of you fuzzy.

Moreover I learnt a lot from you. This self pep-talk will hlp me too.

Hugs

[Ceara1010]

So I adopted a dog yesterday and she's with me now. She's a little shi tzu mix (probably poodle) and is middle aged and very mellow which is what I need. She's also mostly blind, but blind dogs do great as their primary sense is smell. I'm really enjoying her so far. The shelter people told me her previous owner got married and her new husband didn't want a dog. (Personally, I wouldn't marry anyone who would make me get rid of my dog.)

I feel really good about adopting, rather than buying a puppy. It would have really bothered me if I did the latter. There are so many great shelter dogs needing homes.

Hang in there everyone.

Originally Posted by emptynightmare

I don't get along with others.

Even I dont.......
But I am improving. So will you. Hugs again!