[AdelaClancy]

Hello. I've had times of depression through most of my life, and every time I try to reach out to my parents or even others I'm just met with them not wanting to deal with it or deal with me. I was better for awhile after I got out of my hometown and went to school. For the first time in my life I made friends and started to be happy. I'd never had friends before, and it's been nice. Then this year I recently graduated and I feel myself going down the same spiral that I had been going down all those years ago. I guess I just started to feel like I was about to be all alone again. My best friend moved away already and I'm set to move in the next month to a city where I don't know anyone and I'll just be alone. I got diagnosed with alopecia when my hair started falling out from the stress and depression. And my parents still just get mad at me when I'm not happy enough or not "appreciative."
Last week I realized that I have a drinking problem too. I can't always control myself once I start drinking and how much I drink. I drove drunk a number of times over the past few months which was dangerous enough but then last week I did something I never ever wanted to do and I know I never would have considered if I were sober. I went to the bar with some friends to say goodbye to someone leaving, and I flirted with an old friend all night. My boyfriend was there too but he was ignoring me, and then left early. The night escalated and I guess I kept texting my girlfriends, which included the friend leaving who was very interested in the guy I was flirting with. I kept saying I was going to cheat on my boyfriend, and although I dont remember this I feel horrible. I went home with the guy and made out with him about a minute before I started coming to my senses, I think because I began to sober up. I went home and told my boyfriend the next day. For a few days he forgave me and we tried working on things but then yesterday he just broke things off completely and now he won't talk to me at all. My friend who liked the guy wouldn't talk to me either, and my roommates wouldn't either. It's starting to get better but I just feel worse than I have in my life and I can't take that I betrayed so many people. I don't deserve forgiveness but I just feel so alone. I haven't drunken a drop since and I don't plan to for awhile. I realize it's mostly my fault and not as much the alcohol but that had a factor. I just can't take him not talking to me. So many times over this past week I've felt so alone and just thought so much about just taking a bunch of pills but then I just know that my pain will just transfer to everyone else and I'm the only one that deserves the pain. I just can't do it anymore. Everyone thinks I'm strong but I'm only good at helping other people he strong. When it comes to myself I just can't. I just don't deserve anyone's love or anyone's friendship cause I'll just ruin it anyway. I just didn't know what else to do right now, I just haven't been able to stop crying for six days. And I just know I leave in a month and I'll just be even more alone.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Please be gentle and compassionate with yourself. You are human. You made a mistake. You deserve forgiveness. When you move to the new city was your relationship going to be long distance or was he coming with you? I would encourage you to find a good psychologist in your new city to help you with the transition. I'm sorry about your friends and boyfriend. All you can do is apologize and hope they'll come around. Best wishes.

[AdelaClancy]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Please be gentle and compassionate with yourself. You are human. You made a mistake. You deserve forgiveness. When you move to the new city was your relationship going to be long distance or was he coming with you? I would encourage you to find a good psychologist in your new city to help you with the transition. I'm sorry about your friends and boyfriend. All you can do is apologize and hope they'll come around. Best wishes.

Thank you
We hadn't figured it out yet, we were going through a rough patch. I wanted to try and make it work in the distance since he's still in school tho. We just hadn't talked about it too much especially since I've been going through so much else. I just miss him.

[mobiusmoon]

Originally Posted by AdelaClancy

Hello. I've had times of depression through most of my life, and every time I try to reach out to my parents or even others I'm just met with them not wanting to deal with it or deal with me. I was better for awhile after I got out of my hometown and went to school. For the first time in my life I made friends and started to be happy. I'd never had friends before, and it's been nice. Then this year I recently graduated and I feel myself going down the same spiral that I had been going down all those years ago. I guess I just started to feel like I was about to be all alone again. My best friend moved away already and I'm set to move in the next month to a city where I don't know anyone and I'll just be alone. I got diagnosed with alopecia when my hair started falling out from the stress and depression. And my parents still just get mad at me when I'm not happy enough or not "appreciative."
Last week I realized that I have a drinking problem too. I can't always control myself once I start drinking and how much I drink. I drove drunk a number of times over the past few months which was dangerous enough but then last week I did something I never ever wanted to do and I know I never would have considered if I were sober. I went to the bar with some friends to say goodbye to someone leaving, and I flirted with an old friend all night. My boyfriend was there too but he was ignoring me, and then left early. The night escalated and I guess I kept texting my girlfriends, which included the friend leaving who was very interested in the guy I was flirting with. I kept saying I was going to cheat on my boyfriend, and although I dont remember this I feel horrible. I went home with the guy and made out with him about a minute before I started coming to my senses, I think because I began to sober up. I went home and told my boyfriend the next day. For a few days he forgave me and we tried working on things but then yesterday he just broke things off completely and now he won't talk to me at all. My friend who liked the guy wouldn't talk to me either, and my roommates wouldn't either. It's starting to get better but I just feel worse than I have in my life and I can't take that I betrayed so many people. I don't deserve forgiveness but I just feel so alone. I haven't drunken a drop since and I don't plan to for awhile. I realize it's mostly my fault and not as much the alcohol but that had a factor. I just can't take him not talking to me. So many times over this past week I've felt so alone and just thought so much about just taking a bunch of pills but then I just know that my pain will just transfer to everyone else and I'm the only one that deserves the pain. I just can't do it anymore. Everyone thinks I'm strong but I'm only good at helping other people he strong. When it comes to myself I just can't. I just don't deserve anyone's love or anyone's friendship cause I'll just ruin it anyway. I just didn't know what else to do right now, I just haven't been able to stop crying for six days. And I just know I leave in a month and I'll just be even more alone.

Hi Adela,

I agree with Jennifer, above, in that you have to make sure you are compassionate with yourself and take this as a lesson on forgiving yourself, among other lessons. The fact that you feel any remorse for what you did highlights your strengths. Don't forget to consider the fact that, while it may be taken for granted, alcohol is so freely available and such a good inhibitor, the presence of alcohol is certainly a factor here that lies beyond your control. So many have drank a little too much and forgot who they are. It's why it's so attractive of a drug.

And in this sort of situation, I think you can really make the best of the move to a new city given your situation. It may be hard to make new friends and make new connections, but there are plenty of resources that are out there now with the internet; those that help you find like minded individuals and support.