[kkrrhh]

Hi! I've been having this problem lately with any little improvements I see, whether by meds or other means but especially with meds. Feeling better or calmer actually makes me feel really uncomfortable in a way at times, and I never want to entirely believe any of the positive mental changes I feel.

I know that obviously after a long time being depressed your view of yourself and the world changes. But I feel like this time I've been really convinced some of the negativity I felt was real... I got (maybe too) invested in the idea of depressive realism, I think, but I'm not entirely convinced I was wrong to do so. I guess maybe I'm holding onto some of the negative views too much, but it's like I don't want to let go of them and brush them off as depression in case they're valid. For example, put really simply - if I felt this whole time like I annoy people and I need to change to try to become less annoying, maybe this is actually something I need to work on rather than a simple lie depression is telling me. If I suddenly feel ok and don't worry about changing this...I'm still annoying, and nothing changes. (I get that thinking people are annoyed by you is a pretty typical depressive type thought, but that's the problem. Just because it can be something depression tells you, doesn't mean it can't be true in some cases honestly. So if I automatically tell myself it must just be depression... Plus, this is just one example.)

I think the biggest time I see this and struggle with it is when I up my lamictal. I keep trying to keep the dose as low as possible for multiple reasons, but I keep giving in and upping it to 250 for short times to see if it helps. When I do this, it's like I can feel parts of my mind almost doing a 180 and seeing some things a lot closer to how I used to see them, before my depression went through this recent severe spell. And part of me tells myself I should stop being stubborn and keep it at that dose, because in a way it could technically be an improvement, but I don't like it.
How can 25 mg of a pill suddenly make me feel so much calmer about what others think of me? Why is it that with 25 mg more of a pill my family maybe isn't entirely sick of me and my ****? How does 25 mg of a pill make it so that maybe I am very possibly capable of working and worthy and just need to try to push myself to start a job? Why does 25 mg of a pill make it so that I'm actually potentially, maybe likable and friend x, y, and z don't hate me and maybe use me, despite how certain I felt of this and the absolute proof I (or maybe depression, I know) could see that no one likes me? Why, with 25 mg of a pill, is the world maybe only about half as hopeless as I'd been convinced, and maybe I should stop worrying about it as much and life is worth trying and not entirely useless at this point?
Granted, it's not even close to 100% improvement, and my views don't 100% change, but there is such a big change that it's huge. How am I supposed to trust that the changes this medication makes in my thinking are accurate? All I can think of is how, if I did some coke, I'd probably feel better about things and myself too, but that doesn't mean it's accurate... why should I trust how this drug makes me feel? And I know that's the type of argument anti-med people use, and I've always been pro-meds, but at the same time, right now, in my case... I just can't shake it. I've always been this way with meds, where I see the world one way off of them, and believe it's totally right, then see the world another way on them, and believe it's totally right, and it drives me crazy.
With lamictal specifically, I've worried it helps my anxiety by just making me not care even in the past, so that doesn't help.

I hold so many conflicting views and beliefs it's making things impossible.

Does this make any sense? Does anyone else deal with this?

[Sunflower123]

I do wonder how all my meds are influencing my perception of the world but not very often. If Lamictal is doing that much good...that's great!!! I wish I had something working that well. I hope you can work out the conundrum in your mind and stay on it. Best wishes.

[Marla500]

I really relate to this. I have resisted increasing my meds but recently did and it is helping. When I do better its very hard in some ways to learn to function without the familiar outlook and ways of thinking. I still have anxiety and the doctor would not give me anything for that (instead he increased my anti-depressant which was at a fairly low dose), so I am working on that too. If you are feeling better that is a good thingI hope you will find peace on your journey