[WhatDoIDew]

I know I am all types of screwed up due to my terrible upbringing. I had no father and my mother was a sociopath with a personality disorder, who physically and emotionally abused me, and also neglected me. I never received any parenting lessons, or parenting advice, or talks, or any sort of attention. I grew up alone in my room with my TV and video games. Unless of course, I did something wrong, in which case, my mother would grab a weapon and have a demonic, monster looking expression on her face and chase me around the house to beat me. She really scared me when I was growing up.

And this is only the half of it. I haven't gotten into all the crap I went through, including sexual abuse by multiple people, emotional and physical abuse by a boyfriend of my mother, and more......etc..... When I was growing up, I had to see psychiatrists because of how badly depressed I was.... but when the psychologists sat down and spoke with my mother privately.....they told my mother that she needs to see a psychiatrist and possibly take medicine for a disorder, she got really offended and instead blamed me and called me the "crazy one".

Anyway, for as long as I can remember, my only coping mechanism to extreme frustration and things that enrage me, is to simply give up and quit and leave. Strangers don't affect me though. But if it's my family, such as my mother who is the cause..... I'll destroy my own life, I'll quit everything - job, school, social circle, and want to commit suicide - even if it means I am destroying my future. I'll give up on life.

This behavior has negatively affected my life TREMENDOUSLY, and has destroyed my future already before.

What is wrong with me? Why do I instinctively run to this defense mechanism and destroy my own future and life, when my mother triggers me?

How can I fix this? I have a really good job right now and I NEED to keep it and continue. My employers really love me and they have huge hopes for me. This is my ticket out of this so I can never again have to see or speak to my mother ever again.

But my first reaction to her triggering me is to want to give up and quit everything and just lay down and rot.
What's wrong with me and how do I fix this?

[Sunflower123]

Hello. I see this is your first post so welcome to PC. I'm sorry you've had such a tough time. Do you have a therapist? Your coping mechanism right now is to quit and leave. It might have served you well at one time but you're in a position now where that coping mechanism could sabotage you. Could you work on this in therapy? I understand a family member being a trigger by the way. I'm here to support you and here if you need to talk.

Hello WhatDoIDew, I see this is your first post so welcome to PC! I hope you find your time here to be of benefit. Once you have 5 approved posts, you will be able to enter the chat room and talk to fellow members. There is almost always someone online to chat with.

I agree with Jennifer that therapy could be very helpful for you.

[Tyrant616]

My girlfriend is like that, she has BPD. When she is overwhelmed she pushes everyone away and runs. It only causes more problems for her though. Every time she pushes and runs, she ends up in a really bad place before she comes back to us.