[allthestuff]

I apologize preemptively for the perhaps excessive length of this post. I am new here.

I am a somewhat overweight gay man (I do struggle with some gender identity anxiety as well which I still don't really understand in regards to myself) in his 20's currently living in the US. I have been diagnosed at different times in my life with the following: Aspergers Syndrome/High Functioning Autism, Clinical Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, ADHD, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have also had several life-threatening illnesses/experiences, some of which have had influence over my mental health. I used to take meds and have been to a total of 16 therapists in my life. I am no longer medicated however as after so many times they either failed, or combined poorly I gave up on them. The last meds I took were about 10-12 years ago.
Currently, I am experiencing an unusually severe and several-month-long episode of depression that is greatly impacting my ability to function. Despite growing up in a very caring household with many opportunities, I have had a very difficult life. I hate saying that as it makes me feel as if I am being overly self-pitying, but that is just a part of my general anxiety. As a child, my Asperger's/Autism was a lot more pronounced as I struggled a great deal in what would otherwise be extremely ordinary and managable social situations. I was a very difficult child at home, at school, everywhere. I was very violent and could be unintentionally cruel. I even had a therapist who suggested to my parents that they call the police during any future outbursts. This could potentially be associated with my lack of understanding as to what was appropriate and what wasn't, frequent overwhelming stress/sensory overload, and an underdeveloped sense of empathy (do not confused this with sympathy). I wanted friends so desperately, but it was very difficult and ridicule was so frequent that I gained a very negative view of other people. I now have learned to more readily cope with social situations through analyzing the behavior of people around me. Unfortunately, my past has never left me and there are still enough problems coping with social situations due to anxiety that making friends is very hard. I was violent, I was a constant liar to my friends and family, and I squandered an enormous number of great opportunities. I may have changed in many positive ways over the past years, but I am still very, very far from perfect. I try very hard and successfully too to not lie anymore and I am no longer violent. This is all nice, but so much damage has already been done (at least it feels that way). I dropped out of college half way through due to immense stress that I was finding nearly impossible to cope with and many, many days I was suicidal and even attempted it numerous times, fortunately coming to my senses. Now, I work at a minimum wage job and have for a year plus. It is emotionally draining me. I still feel every day the need to make up for every bad thing that I had ever done. I have somewhat come to terms with things done to me as well: A psychologically abusive relationship that assisted me in intensely advancing my already pathetically low-self esteem, being harassed by the police for no reason multiple times (enough so that I now feel too much fear to do what I once did to cope with stress, taking early morning walks in my relatively safe neigborhood), being inappropriately touched and spoken to by a trusted school social worker (I am still learning to accept the term sexual harassment), a traumatic experience involving another student in high school, etc. I was also unlucky in the way that when I made bonds with animals (I have always found more comfort and friendship around cats than with people), they had a bad habbit of being old and dying very early on to my introduction to them (Perhaps that is not a very meaningful detail though comparitively. I am not sure). Some nights in college, I would cry for seemingly endless hours into the morning. I would wake up late and get to classes late, often falling asleep. It was not a pleasant time. I tried getting a job which I was fired from early on due to constant lateness and spent the majority of my time talking to people I had met online who also were suffering from various problems and had simillar political/philosophical/etc views as me. Some of these people inspired me through the enormous changes in their lives and this was a positive thing for me even if it was over the internet. I could go on listing my worst experiences, but it would take WAY too much time. It was also online that I met someone who pretty much changed my life forever. He lived in a very far-away place, a somewhat dangerous place even. He had difficulties in his life (depression and a truly horrifying family tragedy) as well as a very different perspective from myself in life. He was kind, but he was also very realistic and logical, he listened to me, and for one of the first times in my life I felt someone else who actually understood me in the way that I so desperately had wanted someone to for so long (I know how cheesy that may sound). At first, I was dependent on him to a very unhealthy level, but as we spent more and more time chatting, I started seeing and feeling what I still am completely at a loss of words for today to describe. He helped me learn to start the process of accepting myself and to more closely follow my dreams instead of just obsessing over interests without actually pursuing anything. He helped me learn to pursue my own interests without relying entirely on him or anyone else. We were very nervous when we met for the first time in real life, but after a very short time we discovered that the bond we had built was not only real on the internet, but amplified many times in person. We have been meeting each other on a yearly basis now (sometimes more frequent) for around four years. I finally visited his exciting and amazing country for the first time a number of months ago and stayed for quite a long time. I felt so comfortable there (I don't want to reveal where it is, but let's just say it is somewhat of a controvertial place) and being in his home with him, I felt so free, so much like that is where I belonged. This was even more so than when I saw him in my hometown. I found a sort of kinship as well with the people there and a stronger sense of relatability. I finally had found a place that I truly WANTED to spend the rest of my life in and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. We've had problems like anybody. I can say with a straight face something along the lines of, "That's life. It has ups and downs". I never had thought before that I could say something like that. Now I am back in my hometown, still living with my parents and with my minimum wage and VERY stressful job. I am planning a new trip, for several months this time. I want to work on looking for a school/job opportunities and obviously learning the local language. I am struggling though. I still am very easily stressed out and influenced by things coworkers/family/etc say. I have already had people at work tell me that they had friends who recently just got deported after even having successful careers here. These sorts of things frighten me. I've also recently had a new trainee suggest to me that I wasn't thorough enough in my job. These may be small, meaningless statements, but they have a larger affect on me. My schedule has been increased, physically hurting me more than I am used to (I have pain and back problems) and I am paranoid that if I ask for less hours they will fire me. I still need to afford the plane tickets (I planned to leave in two months from now). Things feel increasingly overwhelming and my stress levels reached a high that I hadn't experienced in a long time last night. I went for a midnight walk, saw a police car and went back home out of anxiety. I was even thinking about killing myself. I clearly didn't and I now have come to at least some of my senses (I won't be hurting myself or ending my life), but the stress is causing me a lot of very painful anxiety. I have been crying and having panic attacks, my sleep schedule is horrible (I work night shifts so that I have at least a small amount of time to speak to my fiancee and yes he is my fiancee now. We are in very different time zones) and to the point that it is actually starting to cause problems with how much time I get to spend talking with my fiancee, I am even more addicted to time online and often spend long hours at night distracting myself from stress with pointless and addicting nonsense. I am terrified of failure, I am terrified of the process of moving forward to such a dramatic level, I am terrified of all the things that could go wrong. My current therapist is helping, but I still have tremendous, debilitating anxiety and it is this very anxiety and subsequent depression that is having an affect on the very things that I am stressed and depressed over and my ability to move myself forward. I know where I am going is dangerous, but that is the very least concern I have. I am so afraid that they will find some reason to deny me no matter how hard I work and I will have to work very hard considering my need for further education. I so badly want to be there, to live there, to be part of that world, to be with my fiancee, to seek out this life. I do not see it as escaping as much as it may appear. I just want this change, these new aspects of life, a different kind of freedom. I feel more comfortable with him there than I ever did here. I just want my life to get better and at this point I think I deserve it despite all my low-self-esteem and my past... It's just sooooooo hard to get myself to act when it is so easy to distract myself which in turn only hurts me.

I'm sorry (a phrase everybody in my life wants me to stop using all the time) for the length of this, but the depression and anxiety I am now feeling is so overly-complicated (seemingly at least to myself) and so disabling that I need something, anything to help me...

[Skeezyks]

Hello allthestuff: Thanks for sharing your situation & your concerns. I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of some comfort & support as you pursue your dream.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I hope posting here on PC helps. We're here to support each other. I hope you feel better soon.