[Elle22]

Hello everyone,
My name is Elle. I am 22 years old. I now have a 3 month old son. And I am suffering from depression. My other half, literally my sanity and soul, has decided to leave as of today’s date (8/15/17). Prior to today I was journaling only to myself in google docs...as I’m sure you can imagine finally getting things in front of me and a safe form of expression is something I desperately needed. I am still home and no longer have a social life. During my pregnancy I was in a car accident that fractured my spine. I had no idea until four months later when I went for xrays once my son was born. This has effected my job, seeing that I can no longer sit at a desk for longer than 20 minutes, my confidence, my sanity and now my relationship. We had just purchased a house, gotten a dog, and had this beautiful baby boy. I have hated my life the past 6 days. Today is the day he finally left. He is aware of my illness, of the anxiety and the highs and lows you get with starting meds. I have invested my time in educating him because I didnt want him to not understand. I wanted him to help me. I needed him. I probably always will. He has been the most consistent thing in my life. Dealing with depression is one thing, but sitting back helpless and watching it destroy your entire life is enough to keep you in that darkness we all know too well. I have failed out of school, I was going for my BA in Business. I was always a 3.5 student, not wonderful, but i worked hard. I loved my job, my life, and him, so much. So much that I gave him a child, I never wanted kids or a family seeing that from my experience families always fall apart.
I have started meds and missed a few times. When and if i did we would argue. He would get so mad at me. And I was upset and couldnt control it of course...feeling and knowing that YOUR illness is the sole cause of the chaos in your life is by far the guiltiest feeling ever. I have apologized and cried my eyes out...sunday night he held me until i fell asleep...i need that person in my life...not someone who gets upset with my lows knowing i havent completely balanced out yet. And how pathetic is it to ask him to wait a few more weeks so i can be myself more often. I know the meds are working, and on a good day like sunday he admitted to me that he saw it was working. Tonight he came to get a few of his things. He came and showered after work and grabbed a few clothes while he was getting dressed...i choked when i walked into the bathroom to see his glasses, toothbrush, and deodorant sitting on the counter. Ready to go. I realized then that he hadnt changed his mind since our conversation via text...he had told me that he cannot be with me because of the way i act. I understand I may be difficult to deal with during my lows but I am always thinking of our family first before anything.
My world has shattered infront of my eyes and its as if it doesnt even effect him...It angers me to feel that way and i dont know if it is my anxiety telling me he no longer loves me or if it is actually the case. I didnt ask for this..we were so happy. young , successful, we started our family and had an amazing connection and fell for each others huge heart..he had been thru a lot relationship-wise, as did I. He had his girlfriend of 5 years cheat on him regularly and right after that his grandmother who he was extremely close with passed away. I was in a physically, mentally, emotionally abusive relationship that made me so shut in that I never wanted kids. Or to fall for anyone. He changed me..made me happy and sociable again. And this has happened.
I cannot help but to know i am not the reason for this, my depression is. I have no idea what is next for me, or for our son’s future. But it scares me considering i am borderline disabled...if i cannot work how can I provide for our son? I am waiting on further testing to tell the severity of my injury.
He just came back for the dog’s food, as he forgot it when he left originally and didn't even look at me. He was so short as if he didnt even want to open the door to conversation of any sort. I believe he truly is done. I just need support as of right now, no one on either side of our families has ever dealt with depression and we never knew much about it beforehand, I live in a small town. I am beyond lost.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Elle22.

Wow. Lots to consider...
How is you living situation right now?

For reference: 211 New York State

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. I'm sorry you're going through such a tough, painful time. Do you think a therapist might help you cope? Sending best wishes.

[Fuzzybear]

[Elle22]

[QUOTE=Rohag;5780809]Hello & Welcome, Elle22.

Wow. Lots to consider...
How is you living situation right now?
it is stable...we have a home regardless it is just a tiny two bedroom apartment...more like a flat...