[throwawayaccount91]

I'm a 19 year old man, last month me and my little sister were messing around play fighting. My sister is insanely competitive and was taking it really seriously so I decided to let her win. So she gets me in this move where her legs are wrapped around my waist and she's squeezing. She does gymnastics and has strong legs so this actually hurts me and I give up.

Only she doesn't let go. She starts saying how I have to call myself a '*****' and she'd let go. I say no, then try to escape for real but I'm too weak. About 5 minutes go by of this and it really hurts so I just swallow my pride and say it. But then she tells me to repeat some other humiliating stuff including calling my girlfriend a *****. I say this before realising she's not letting go, I try punching her at this point. She grabs my arms and restrains them. Eventually, I puke and she still doesn't let go until like 30 seconds after that. I cleaned the puke and didn't tell anyone as she told me to. My ribs were really bruised, I told my mum that I slipped in the shower.

I feel so emasculated, I can't speak to anyone about it because they'd laugh at me. I already think I had a depression disorder but this has just increased that tenfold. This is like the most pathetic thing I've ever typed out. This isn't even the only incident either. What should I do?

[Frankbtl]

Hi throwawayaccount

To me, I'm reading it as you felt this to be a truely humiliating, degrading, hurtful experience..........I'm not saying you have to feel that way, but I am sorry if you do
And the way I see it, is that it says much more about your sister than about you.........I don't know whether she realised the gravity of her actions or not but she did "overstep the mark"...........
To me there isn't even an issue here of whether you were/could have been physically stronger than her or not.........that is not a sign of mascalinity/being a man in my eyes...........as for saying what she wanted you to...........well you wanted it over, right?!! Her behaviour was "unacceptable" and you wanted it to stop!! You did see no other way out, so you did/said what you did, that's completely understandable
The vomitting.........well you probably had no end of emotions running through you at the time, right?! Humiliation, degradation, loss of control, helplessness, hopelessnes.........that can be a natural human reaction
And, back to...........this is about her behaviour, not a reflection on you........so please, please, please try not to be ashamed!!
And from here.........I don't know if you may want to tell your parents, to tell your parents about any concerns about her behaviour/s, to talk to her about it, to think about how you may be able to set more boundaries for her.......but please try not to be ashamed.

Lastly..........I don't know whether this may be relevant or not..........but if she had an idea of the gravity of her behaviour........or maybe even if she didn't (?)......do you think maybe she has some problems going on for her?? Problems maybe you or your parents could support her a little with??
And obviously I have no idea what they may be, if she has, but considering her behaviour..........maybe worth a thought??

Last word/s!! No you absolutely aren't a loser!! And with the issues with depression, I hope you stick around because this is such a supportive community and hoping it/we can help you a little with those

Alison

[throwawayaccount91]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi throwawayaccount

To me, I'm reading it as you felt this to be a truely humiliating, degrading, hurtful experience..........I'm not saying you have to feel that way, but I am sorry if you do
And the way I see it, is that it says much more about your sister than about you.........I don't know whether she realised the gravity of her actions or not but she did "overstep the mark"...........
To me there isn't even an issue here of whether you were/could have been physically stronger than her or not.........that is not a sign of mascalinity/being a man in my eyes...........as for saying what she wanted you to...........well you wanted it over, right?!! Her behaviour was "unacceptable" and you wanted it to stop!! You did see no other way out, so you did/said what you did, that's completely understandable
The vomitting.........well you probably had no end of emotions running through you at the time, right?! Humiliation, degradation, loss of control, helplessness, hopelessnes.........that can be a natural human reaction
And, back to...........this is about her behaviour, not a reflection on you........so please, please, please try not to be ashamed!!
And from here.........I don't know if you may want to tell your parents, to tell your parents about any concerns about her behaviour/s, to talk to her about it, to think about how you may be able to set more boundaries for her.......but please try not to be ashamed.

Lastly..........I don't know whether this may be relevant or not..........but if she had an idea of the gravity of her behaviour........or maybe even if she didn't (?)......do you think maybe she has some problems going on for her?? Problems maybe you or your parents could support her a little with??
And obviously I have no idea what they may be, if she has, but considering her behaviour..........maybe worth a thought??

Last word/s!! No you absolutely aren't a loser!! And with the issues with depression, I hope you stick around because this is such a supportive community and hoping it/we can help you a little with those

Alison

I don't think strength makes a man either but still... She's just 11 years old, quite skinny and a girl. A normal person would have pushed her legs off, but for me I couldn't even budge them.

And a man has to have self respect. I don't think a man would say those things about their girlfriends no matter the duress. It feels like I'm her b-i-t-c-h.

I have no idea how I'd set boundaries with her, my parents wouldn't take it seriously and she wouldn't listen to me. Besides, she said to not tell my parents so I'd risk a repeat performance if I do.

Sorry, I'm not dismissing your answer. I appreciate the help and it's nice to hear a positive perspective. I might tell my parents, I don't know.

Thanks.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time about that incident. You owe it to yourself, your sister and other potential unsuspecting persons out there to tell your parents. Your sister sounds freakishly strong and mentally disturbed. Please don't be embarrassed. I'm sure you would have broken through if you were mad enough...you just didn't want to hurt a girl. She is abusive and I wouldn't put up with it for even one more moment. One of thes days, she's going to start stuff with the wrong person and it won't end pretty. She needs help. Please tell your parents so they can get her help. That or take karate or self defense. That would put an end to that really quick. Sending big hugs.

[Frankbtl]

Hi throwawayaccount

I'd say that it could be hard to say what a "normal" person might do, and if she's trained in gymnastics there's a good chance the "average person" may not have been able to push her off.........
But the "average" person (without depression, as you said you think you suffer from), well, I'd hope they wouldn't feel ashamed............
And the depression could be a big part of this

The way I see it possibly is:
Getting her off you and what you said...........well some of the feelings that may come along with depression can be weariness, feelings of futility or hopelessness or powerlessness or lack of self-confidence or feeling "I'm nothing more than....."........and if they're not already in the forefront of how you're feeling, someone treating you like that can easily push them more into the forefront...........
So please don't "beat yourself up" over this
And before you see it as a weakness (!!), some of the strongest people can suffer with depression and equally some people suffering from depression are the strongest people.
And you can still have self respect........she was wrong not you.........you did all you possibly felt you could do under the circumstances..........and depression has that much to "blame" for........which is not your fault

And setting boundaries............well maybe rule out the playfighting?? But on a day-to-day basis sometimes that can be easier if you can try to learn and/or recognise signs where she might be edging on "unacceptable" behaviour/s and stepping in quickly with "No......." or walking away before her behaviours escalate...........
But yes, it would definatly be a good idea to tell your parents...........and you don't even have to tell them everything...........but both for your sake and for hers

And sorry I missed commenting on this in your first thread but:
"This is like the most pathetic thing I've ever typed out"
I honestly don't see it as pathetic in the slightest
My heart goes out to you in finding yourself in a situation like that..........to summarise, you're telling us that you feel you have depression, you have a sister who maybe has real problems, has behaved in a totally "unaccepable" manner and subjected you to an extremely upsetting experience..........that is not pathetic
In fact I'd say that you should feel proud of yourself in voicing all of that!!!
Now I don't know if we can help with your sister's problems..........we can certainly try..........but I'm sure we can offer you some support with the way you're feeling
Good on you for speaking out!!! Respect!!!

Alison

[pegasus]

I know you feel this is embarrassing to you but you acted as the better person in this. What is really concerning here is that your sister has a huge issue and needs help. As others have pointed out here, who will she bully or even seriously injure next?

Please talk to a health professional, counselor or trusted adult about this. You need therapy for being hurt and your sister needs help. It might be that there is a mental health issue going on with her that needs attention!

[throwawayaccount91]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time about that incident. You owe it to yourself, your sister and other potential unsuspecting persons out there to tell your parents. Your sister sounds freakishly strong and mentally disturbed. Please don't be embarrassed. I'm sure you would have broken through if you were mad enough...you just didn't want to hurt a girl. She is abusive and I wouldn't put up with it for even one more moment. One of thes days, she's going to start stuff with the wrong person and it won't end pretty. She needs help. Please tell your parents so they can get her help. That or take karate or self defense. That would put an end to that really quick. Sending big hugs.

Okay I think I'll tell them when I go back to Uni, so my sister can't do anything when she finds out... at least not for a couple months anyway.

I mean, I was pretty mad. I did try punching her towards the end but she grabbed my arms and held them. Maybe I held back a little with the punch but definitely not when trying to pry her legs off or when trying to break my arms free.

Do you have any idea why a kid would act like this? She's had a perfectly normal childhood, she's popular in school, gets good grades etc.

And about the Karate, my name is Daniel so I'm already half way to becoming a Sensei. All I need is a Mr. Miyagi

[throwawayaccount91]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi throwawayaccount

I'd say that it could be hard to say what a "normal" person might do, and if she's trained in gymnastics there's a good chance the "average person" may not have been able to push her off.........
But the "average" person (without depression, as you said you think you suffer from), well, I'd hope they wouldn't feel ashamed............
And the depression could be a big part of this

The way I see it possibly is:
Getting her off you and what you said...........well some of the feelings that may come along with depression can be weariness, feelings of futility or hopelessness or powerlessness or lack of self-confidence or feeling "I'm nothing more than....."........and if they're not already in the forefront of how you're feeling, someone treating you like that can easily push them more into the forefront...........
So please don't "beat yourself up" over this
And before you see it as a weakness (!!), some of the strongest people can suffer with depression and equally some people suffering from depression are the strongest people.
And you can still have self respect........she was wrong not you.........you did all you possibly felt you could do under the circumstances..........and depression has that much to "blame" for........which is not your fault

And setting boundaries............well maybe rule out the playfighting?? But on a day-to-day basis sometimes that can be easier if you can try to learn and/or recognise signs where she might be edging on "unacceptable" behaviour/s and stepping in quickly with "No......." or walking away before her behaviours escalate...........
But yes, it would definatly be a good idea to tell your parents...........and you don't even have to tell them everything...........but both for your sake and for hers

And sorry I missed commenting on this in your first thread but:
"This is like the most pathetic thing I've ever typed out"
I honestly don't see it as pathetic in the slightest
My heart goes out to you in finding yourself in a situation like that..........to summarise, you're telling us that you feel you have depression, you have a sister who maybe has real problems, has behaved in a totally "unaccepable" manner and subjected you to an extremely upsetting experience..........that is not pathetic
In fact I'd say that you should feel proud of yourself in voicing all of that!!!
Now I don't know if we can help with your sister's problems..........we can certainly try..........but I'm sure we can offer you some support with the way you're feeling
Good on you for speaking out!!! Respect!!!

Alison

Thanks, you seem like you'd make a really good therapist.

That makes sense about the depression thing, I think she was preying on that and also on my physical weakness as she's done quite often.

I'm going to tell my parents, but I'm kind of scared that "real world" people won't have the same reaction as people on here lol.

[*Laurie*]

You really did behave as the better person in this. I'm sorry to say it, but your sister sounds like she has some serious issues. She's lucky, really fortunate, that you weren't the kind of person to go off on her. The whole thing could have been a tragedy. Your depression is telling you lies about yourself. Ease up on yourself

I agree with everyone else. Frankbtl, Jennifer, Pegasus, and Laurie all made some really valid points! it sounds like your sister has issues and is a bully. I hope you don't feel too bad or embarrassed. That IS the depression talking. Also the way society is set up, the messages we get, are not always correct or accurate, and can exacerbate depressive thinking. I think it shows strength that you wrote it out here. Do you think your parents would take any action if you told them? Try to stay away from her and take care of you. Hope you keep posting here. Starrysky

[throwawayaccount91]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

You really did behave as the better person in this. I'm sorry to say it, but your sister sounds like she has some serious issues. She's lucky, really fortunate, that you weren't the kind of person to go off on her. The whole thing could have been a tragedy. Your depression is telling you lies about yourself. Ease up on yourself

I don't know, everyone's acting like I went easy on her because I'm "nice". It's not true, I tried scratching, pinching, punching. If any of this was successful, I doubt everyone would see me as the "better person in this".

[throwawayaccount91]

Originally Posted by starrysky

I agree with everyone else. Frankbtl, Jennifer, Pegasus, and Laurie all made some really valid points! it sounds like your sister has issues and is a bully. I hope you don't feel too bad or embarrassed. That IS the depression talking. Also the way society is set up, the messages we get, are not always correct or accurate, and can exacerbate depressive thinking. I think it shows strength that you wrote it out here. Do you think your parents would take any action if you told them? Try to stay away from her and take care of you. Hope you keep posting here. Starrysky

This morning, I was eating an English breakfast type thing. I was about half way through when my sister came downstairs, took my plate and started eating from it. She told me to make her toast with it, I made it because I didn't want any trouble.

If I tell my parents now, I'm sure she'll try to beat me up again. I'm waiting 2 weeks when I go back to Uni. What should I do in the meantime when she does stuff like the above to me? Should I just do what she says?

[pegasus]

No, an eleven year child needs to learn that she cannot bully anyone. If you continue to do what she says, make the toast etc. What is she learning from that? So... next time, you need to firmly state that she is capable of making her own toast and not to steal yours.

I wonder if you could talk to the uni counselor about all this, you deserve support with this.

[throwawayaccount91]

Originally Posted by pegasus

No, an eleven year child needs to learn that she cannot bully anyone. If you continue to do what she says, make the toast etc. What is she learning from that? So... next time, you need to firmly state that she is capable of making her own toast and not to steal yours.

I wonder if you could talk to the uni counselor about all this, you deserve support with this.

What's the lesson if I don't do what she says, she beats me up and makes me do what she says? All excuses aside, she's a lot stronger than me. I don't want another fight with her.

I don't know about counselling, I've never thought about it. I'll consider it I guess.

[pegasus]

She has to learn that she cannot keep doing this to you or anyone else. Otherwise she will go through life thinking it is ok to hurt people.

I suggest you only use words, communicate that you will not give in to her demands. Record the evidence on your phone if you can so that you can show your parents what is going on. They need to know that their daughter is doing this so they can do something about it.

I also suggest that you look up on Google good parenting skills, she needs to know that you are an adult and her behavior is unacceptable.

Failing all that, simply stay out of her way as much as possible but talk to your parents about the violence.

Oh and the counselor service at Uni is confidential so please look into that also.